if you want to see change you have to act out the change

it comes from within << easy to say but hard to do. always a work in progress.

today's life came out spontaneous unlike the other days. eg; i gotten round to watching glee s5e3 the tribute to cory monteith extremely heart wrenching yet beautiful how beautifully the show was scripted. i love how the writers weave in the story of finn's quarterback jacket being the object of desire by his friends and everyone wanting a piece of finn after his passing and it was mr schue who had the jacket all along he took it for himself and it was just really sad..
^ watched that w rugaiyah and
me: ok i'm going to get tissues, do you need?
r: yes.
haw haw and I didn't think she'd be one to cry over this bc she seemed fine watching it

i downloaded pokemon emerald and fml it is addictive to the ulti max okay i totally regret playing it from 8 pm to 4.50 am
(this rly happened)
i'm so not one to get this crazy but i think once i start smth i like i can't stop... tbh i don't even know how i'd gotten round to stop playing.... idk i think pokemon is so so so nostalgic even the newer versions like emerald have some hints of the original plot like how the first gym leaders are always rock-types and bicycles only come around later in the game and there's alw that one jealous rival from the town u r from- pokenerds u feel me????
it takes me back to the sweeter days of aaron and i being an invincible team getting our fav pokemon up to level 80 somethings to beat the elite four and gary the rival, getting the best combination for battle, trading eevees so we could have the three evolution forms, battling over the game boy adapter via double pokemon battles

i think pokemon is sooooooper awesome but not exactly the change i'd favour right now in my life although it rly does tie closely w one compartment of good childhood memories.

Cory Monteith

Idk I still can't get over it. Maybe it was the influence of Finn's real squeaky clean image, but I cannot fathom Cory fighting and losing a battle against drugs and alcohol. And him w Lea they're so perfect

Fueled with raw emotion right now bc I just watched YouTube videos of Cory. His Ellen ones were... :'( It's hard to imagine all this happening

Ahhhhhh

Ok ok ok ok ok



i don't even watch glee much now, but this tragedy got me youtube-ing cory monteith interviews and moments and video diaries and songs. it's as if he hasn't left yet.
idk why it strikes a chord in my heart. i'm not ever one that pathetically mourns the loss of superstars. b/c they are stars which means they're far too distant for me to feel anything about them. amy winehouse had a tumultuous childhood which forebode her death. her previously publicized abusive use of drugs and alcohol made her passing somewhat unsurprising.
maybe i was unaware of cory's relation with drugs and alcohol. but this news hit me so hard. addiction is a problem and no one saw it coming (lea was caught off-guard). addiction is the problem and he succumbed to it, even though he had such a promising life and career ahead. my heart bleeds for him and all who knew him.
most of the fans knew him mostly by his onscreen character finn hudson who was sweet and pure and the guy that we all were rooting for. so many would have judged him based on their impressions of finn. it's quite hard to accept that he led a contrastingly different life from that he portrayed on the media. and maybe that's why i'm still not quite over this yet.
i think he doesn't deserve this at all. and big font articles that state "cory monteith dead at 31 at vancouver's fairmont pacific rim hotel on july 13" "intoxication of heroin and alcohol" seem mad unreal.
it was going to be so perfect if him and lea actually wed.
it has been three years that i've shipped finchel even when they weren't an actual couple. they weren't the most beautiful couple who graced planet earth, but they seemed the most genuine couple which made it 10 x more enduring.



there will still be a whole load of glee songs for me to cry to. ha ha ha
maybe i'm taking this all too harshly but i still feel unjustified that he gave it to his addictions too easily.

it's time to work on myself now.