appreciation

Diverging a tad too much, but hmmm. Humu power FTW man, 113 whatsapp texts within the hour about economic theories and old men with beards and how it's an opportunity cost of stroking three segments of hair and what nots. Things I don't think I can ever survive without. Each day I'm most grateful that I've friends who get through JC together without ever showing the competitive smart kiasu pushy spirit that I envision many to display. Okay many assumptions right there, but I'm too lethargic to proofread (haha/) anymore.
Anyhoo, Deonn's post really tugged at my heartstrings, (Hi D!) just that pride has consumed us, or maybe most of me, I'm forehead-deep in gooey pride and I'm secretly unwilling to change because it just seems so much easier to head in this one direction, no? Last week I saw my kong kong and had the usual greeting like hello kong kong and in that ephemeral moment I saw that he had aged, like I didn't realise his skin had grown more wrinkly and his smile looked almost faded. The health that once radiated within him seemed to have gone and it's really really a scary thought because ofc I don't want to see him age so quickly? And this time is just a horrible time, idek the extent of a horrib family member I am. Okay I really played out conversations in my head like I'd ask him to tell me a story so he can recollect his thoughts and maybe improve his memory and that would be super perfect but I'm forever and always caught in this barrier of pride and for lack of a better word, Fear? I have my Instax and I have great ideas I really do. I want to take pictures of all my Saturdays w my fam and have genuine conversations that I play out in my head all the time. Not wishing that time would pass by quickly because of the awkwardness that we're feeling then. Idek how it's possible but I might have fell out with my cousin. Like how do people fall out w their cousins?! Only happens to me, just because I didn't do anything. Yeah I didn't do anything and hence relationships fade away and that kinda sucks big time because oftentimes we are just so consumed with pride and fear we don't do anything. Ha ha, I really think it's only just me. I don't really understand myself sometimes. I find it mega tons easier to communicate with friends and I find I am more of myself with friends than family and it just doesn't really make sense. All the time. I think I got it too imbued in my dense little mind of the image of a perfect daughter and sister and perfect daughters/sisters do not act this way that I do around with friends. It's just completely different levels.
I guess I wandered off topic again from my title, which says appreciation. Rant rant rant rant. Alrighty, unloaded a pile of junk from my brain cells. Praying that I don't fall asleep spontaneously again tonight.

dark hours

I find myself weaning off faith. God's light is shining so brightly yet I shut my eyes unwilling to let Him in. Maybe it's because I worry about worldly things so much, don't really know how to handle it, I guess. I want to do something to make my life -> :-) , but it's like being on the grocery list of six impossible things before breakfast; impossible and impossible. These days haven't been good in terms of productivity what am I making of myself. Dad's back and it's supposed to be kind of a happy occasion I guess. It's quite unlike me but I built up a wall then I find it hard to break
That's tough. On the bright side his food belly seems to have been reduced hehe thank you happy land and your quite revolting or just different, way of preparing meat. The pigs eat marijuana there. That's really really wrong; think hippy pigs getting hallucinations while trotting in the fields and the dudes going carnivorous on them while getting high themselves. Though I wouldn't mind living and meditating in the mountain ranges, so surreal.
Hazel's got her wisdom tooth fixed. / and I probably do seek solace in social media although I'm a slight opponent of accessing media during meal times
///// spiritual catharsis please come to me /////
Humu sisters are always good and I always got weeps' back.
And if you ask me to pick sides, I won't know where to go

There's a little something called protected time and I'm really dreading school because of it. 5 more weeks til prels hahahahaha shet the time in TJC is actually already limited. Even in this dreadful school there are politics and I choose to mangle myself in it like a dummy. Don't like being affected my life will just be about running and homework running and homework running and homework

Hmm yknow the relationship between the size of your dream/ passion and the extent of your success in life. That's making my head throb because honestly I have no idea and scholarships make it worse because it's an impossible reach, given my ease to succumbing to thoughts in my head okay that's just my greatest downfall; I can still never manage to focus for long stretches of time although it's the most scholarly thing to do.
I'll laugh when this is over, :-/

Ignite your bones

I look at the mirror and always, always so much dissatisfaction. My thyroids seem so much puffier but I guess it ain't really a problem until my mom points it out that I should go back to see Dr Lee. But I'm thankful that I'm able to get back to running without being lethargic so fast. In retrospect, thyroid (and probably the onslaught of adolescent emotions and perpetual insecurity) hasn't made my life a bed of roses rather, that tangle of thorns beneath it. I feel them more. (for lack of better phrasing). Digressing, the dawn of maturity has really made me realise how in youth we discover so so many things, and tame all those emotions and try to set back our ultimate priorities, to each his own. And I'm admittedly a feminist so I'll say that girls' minds are so much more mature and complex than any other male mind can ever be. (fact)
The Sunday Times story of the paraplegic man really helped put things into perspective. And how it weaves in with what Father said today. About inner strength- given the same circumstances, the same situation , you'll always find that the man with faith will see things in a better light. He will face his obstacles with excitement and hope rather than pessimism and lethargy. I think inner strength is the one and only way to ever accomplish something. And another professor from NUS says report cards don't matter but how you deal with setbacks and try to overcome it. Report cards don't matter at all in the real world. I think it's so true.
I've always yearned to have inner strength, guess we all do. I find that I am constantly bruised by my insecurities. I realise how extreme my sentiments towards a person can get with even a slight action or gesture. I abhor how I can find it in my thinking to be ignorant towards a person, despite everything that she has done for me, completely disregard it just because of a small action that I'm disagreeable to. The story of my life. I can't believe that this is me. And Murphy's Law and shit happens to me all the time because I will always be the character I don't want to be. I don't want to be like my brother, completely ignorant and so overly-obsessed with the iPhone, muting himself even at mealtimes. I don't want to mirror his image and yet now, I find myself doing the same. I've always wanted to be the caring sister. Asking the siblings how their school work has been, chatting endlessly without the realisation of the onset of awkwardness- which makes things even more awkward and intolerable. Have talks that just roll of the tongue that easy. Confiding in my parents without the fear of putting a burden on them. They've done a swell job in raising us. We have the right everythings, like the perfect, most optimal environment for potential oak trees kind of setting. They've nurtured and loved and taught us all they can. I don't know if this is adolescence, but I don't feel like I'm in a family who cares. It's mostly just nagging that comes out of one's lips. What you should do, what's best for you. God, I really think that it is me. How can you love others if you cannot first love yourself? I can't love myself no matter how hard I try. Looking at other people will be through the eyes of envy. I can't love myself I don't know how to and it doesn't feel right. I've always wondered how I would cope if I was a paraplegic. How can my inner strength ever tide me through any of the difficulties abound? How can I go ad serve the Lord whole heartedly on mission trips if all I ever care about was superficiality. Time to time I always ask myself how my family and friends ever care for someone like me. Is this because I cannot love myself and therefore I am unresponsive to the love shed by others? Why does night after night pass by, me praying for something positive to happen to this household when day by day everything just remains the same?
I cannot translate the (relative) positive spirit into this house, even though it's a lovely home. I think there's some weird mishmash of stuff going on in my brain cells. Maybe the pills I swallowed for thyroid or wtv did some alterations to my emotional make-up.
My interest in psychology has been harboured in the docks of my mind of late and I kinda question whether it's because I'm discreetly telling myself I want to be my own remedy, solve my own problems and stuff like that. Then that'd be kind of selfish because I won't be able to help other people..?
Thinking is such a chore. I will stop doing so.
I enthusiastically and gratefully salute you if you've reached the full stop at the end of this sentence, <3 .