forever is a long time.

ranted.
i hate it how other peoples' thoughts govern the way i think and the way i act of myself. i hate the fact that i get so easily affected and over-sensitive and how i can't think properly for myself. i want to block stuff out, just like how i did in the past.
i hate it how i'm never going to achieve anything in life because everything weighs me down just because i let them. currently i'm angry with myself because i let your actions affect me although they aren't supposed to. i hate being over-sensitive. it doesn't seem like it!!!!!!!!!! i hate it that whenever i'm alone and i'm not focused and everything just hits me and then i get tired over nothing, just because of my thoughts. how can thoughts be so taxing? or is it just because i let them govern me and actions like a puppet on strings?

i'm supposed to be strong. everyone has their own demons in their heads. why does mine seem so huge. tomorrow's chinese As and i can't focus. it's just going to be another disappointment all over again. because of my mind. what a stupid reason. my heart's so easily swayed. so disappointed with myself. and that's not even taking into account how much lao shi actually put in for me. like she sacrificed so much even though an A/B grade is unattainable with my standards. she made an effort to have extra lessons with me until the evenings and every single time i never learn. that gratitude gets washed away and ignored, only to become convoluted and guilt-saturated now. the paper's tomorrow, but i think i already know the outcome.

ffff it. from tomorrow onwards, i don't want to be the person i am today. i need to make an effort, like i'm actually worth something in this world.
ever since cat class stopped, i've forgotten how to pray and listen during mass, even though the priest may get boring sometimes. ever since childhood, i've become a bitter wuss and forgotten how to treat family. it's a hard ongoing battle. still. it's only a silent movie around the house nowadays. even on weekends with my relatives. and i forgot how to talk to my cousin. my sister is being more mature and accepting than i am even though she's way younger.

i don't want to change for people. :( right now, i don't want to disappoint people. not when they've put in more effort than i have. time to wipe the tears and figgggggght. steadfast and strong like a soldier. i don't even know. i just need to be worth something. i gotta stop giving in. i gotta work for myself. i don't have to care what others think. i just have to care for those who matter to me. :/