burpburp

watched jamie's food revolution; jamie oliver's plight to radically alter the way americans get their nutrition. so amazingly inspiring. i don't know- is it personal choice of each american individual that has landed them in a diabetic epidemic or their culture of food + propensity to magnify their food to gargantuan proportions all the time?
sometimes i feel a little american within myself. like an inability to control what i eat. i've managed, i think, to properly straighten myself out (after being amazed at the ge women's run late this year)
this topic of food and the human relationship with food interests me to no end. there is a great neurological factor at play here, that makes people desire to consume high-caloric foods for a transient moment's satisfaction, it's real bc i felt it.
then moving on to the great control tower that is the brain of the homosapien. (and this is a totally different topic but i've really been thinking this through a lot)
self-worth. i have taken this long to realize that great self-worth comes when you yourself decide that you are worth more than you thought you were. you decide whether you want to take care of yourself better or not- splurge on better quality foods for your own well-being, don't ingest poisonous synthetic food with ingredients your 5-year-old self cannot understand (thx jamie oliver), sleep earlier sleep better, make it a point to wake up in time for the sunset- or more preferably, be at the beach just for it. make yourself satisfied and don't do things just for the sake of others. be selfish sometimes b/c sometimes it is for the better. it really is true that if you have more self-worth, you have greater power to positively affect the others around ya.
the root of all these wonderful things; the mind.
it is also a great agent for change in any situation and circumstance. set your mind to change the status quo and let your body follow it.
i'm not sure how i was last time. i remember i was acutely self-conscious of what i did because i feared, ever so often, that my actions would garner dissatisfaction from others around me. if only i knew how to hold my ground. if only i wasn't too harsh on myself on needing to please other people. if i was less passive i think my jc life would be crazy different haaa.

dailies of my life circa '07

i think that was my entire adolescent life. (emotionally in isolation) i finally can say today that i am not self-conscious of this moment anymore!!! embracing this horrible period of mine (2007 - 2011 probz) as it has shaped me into who i am n will be in future. 

can't change it anymore so credit it for making you who you are on this very day.

luckiest

if i had it my way, i'd probably be spending my time editing pictures. filters, texts, stickers- the works. just downloaded some mad good photo apps which i will be using to make the #upperpri some stuff before we part ways. our daily adventures with the students are what coalesces us. like eight candles standing erect beside each other, its wax blending into one another, irregardless of anything and everything else.
*channeling my haruki murakami*: currently entranced by the world of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. that book is nothing short of amazing. his descriptions were so vivid- there was that time when i read about general yamamoto being gruesomely skinned alive and i truly did feel like my breakfast was rising up my throat. horridly descriptive yet surprised that mere words strung in a sentence can actually invoke such radical actions from the reader. plus i'm the type who is usually not the barf-y kind. (proof that y'all should check his masterpieces out, he's rly one amazing dude)

drk whether to consider myself lucky. maybe i am just that i wasn't able to see it still am not able to see it. right now i feel blessed as always, but i still can not shake off those times when i feel the world is against me. maybe going for chat will be able to solve things. i'm actually getting my hopes up that all will be ok once tmrw comes around. the parents have yet again paid for those extremely insane high prices of driving lessons, groceries- that are always always adding up to hundreds per visit, and of which i consume almost half or all of it, and my bicycle with an apple bell and all those other accessories that come with it... yet my nets runs out of cash like precious water. and once again, money has proven to make the world go round.

my weekends are pretty meaningless/ i will keep hoping that there can be more time after pl ends/ there's yet another part of me that wishes it does not end, bc there will be more free time.
does this make sense?

nts: exercise mao.

who am i and why am i confused.

scene: 9.38 pm, darkish, humid.
take us down but we keep trying/ forty thousand feet keep flying.
-a vibration from the phone/ a call-
M: it's so late already, are you coming back soon?
...
M: (concern) we thought something happened to you. daddy went out to look for you.
B: (spurted) huh??? i'm coming home soon. walking along opera estate there.
M: okay.

you finally cared. you finally called. you didn't know i'm bingeing. (why the hell am i bingeing). you take it as if singapore is the most dangerous city in the world. you take it as if singapore is not safe enough for me to run on a stretch of well-lit park connector.you don't know my problems. you take it as if i can never look after myself. you never let me try.
you never did ask about anything. i fuvkd it all up by not caring bfr this/ this looks unimaginably impossible to amend. never did ask how my day went. i never did manage to muster up the courage. i see a younger sibling  just two yrs my junior living the teenage life i had alws envisioned. a life where you didn't give two hoots about arriving at the doorstep near midnight. because the sibling is a he, not a she. b/c being a guy means being safe in the night.
you promised that i could talk to you whenever i had issues. and hell do i. it's a sick unsatiable dependency i have on others. almost 3/4 of my daily caloric intake in less than an hour. this binge cannot be stopped. i wouldn't dare to tell you this. this is such a perfect family. nothing ever goes wrong here.
just five pairs of deft fingers dancing on the iphone screen during meal times together. five physical bodies in close proximity, yet never have i been so distant from each of them. solemn faces, unwilling to open. does this happen to every household, idk.
me getting irritable that every sentence i say has to be repeated for my father. anti-climatic irritability just puts me off saying things anymore. nothing ever works.
welcome to my mind.

lord. i have lost you. this society is too porcelain-perfect for me and my mind to handle. the stresses to be a perfect little family- one that is so dependent on one another, just has the opposite effect on me. i can never be more grateful for the 'peace' in this household. a gratuitous peace. yet something is missing altogether. there is but a hollow shell here in op estate.
around me people have legit reasons to feel terrible about their lives, while i have none. it is only the battle against myself.

run the night

i was hoping how the cat class would sort of rekindle my faith a bit. the teacher talked about the ten commandments; how we should be happy with what we have and "not be filled with envy, or choose to steal.
nobody is perfect. even though people might have more things than you, or be more good looking, everyone has their own set of challenges."
the string of words seem more hard-hitting than if i just read it. it was like she spoke with wisdom and that was prolly why it resonated within me. other than that, i feel myself barely holding on proper on the word. idek. i always can't concentrate!!!!
the kids are so so sweet though. there was one girl who asked me what 'sabbath' was. if it were the eleven year old me, i'd wither up in awkwardness and melt into an awkward puddle in the middle of the class in my awkward hairband, rhinoceros hair and pastel coloured converse sneakers.

felt rejuvenated after class, then happy birthday to sis and football w the cute cousinssss where the tiny meatball was tripping over himself and not kicking the ball and turned tomato faced. i wish the toddlers' earnesty (?) is never lost in man.

so this is the transition from kid life to adult life. i find myself hardly being able to tolerate different personalities. scares me actually!! or maybe i'm just really unlucky.
but kind of lucky in the sense that i finally got to see a better side of someone! huiling even popped up above the dividers to show me this 'wow-i-can't-believe-she-said-that--wink-wink' face.

been jogging then splurging on food as if my life depended on it. fish.

oh and smosh. i told Kid S not to watch so many smosh videos (he said he was banned from watching it temporarily). he mouthed me all the vulgarities he learned while sniggering and said "i wanna sex u up"
omg. that's so hardcore?!?!?! i drew him a diagram of him and smosh and putting a cross between them in retaliation and told him not to delete his history so his momma can check. he said he doesn't, so er ok then.

i find many problems that i have are self-inflicted. i really should stop being a lewzer

&&& the bliss of online shopping.......
has still yet to be revealed to me. hopefully gna make my first online purchase soon.........

how are your lives. ;(
honestly i feel fiercely obliged to keep up with people's lives but my brain usually wins the fight in the end. maybe letting things take its natural course is the right thing. idk idk

2701: jodi's house with jasmine, hazel, esther and chunarn. cards and i are ultibesties now
2801: bugis/ joboob & qq noodle house / jo and bren
3001: saladstop/ matilda!!
stupidly gymmed the other days but no results shown still :<<<

all the sad feels

talking to deonn makes me feel like i'm talking to a potential legend in the arts scene, really. (ahem!!) there must surely be talent hidden within when you can memorise casual conversations/ tv show lines like you're memorizing a script without much effort.
do not doubt your skills people

"you should talk to us more okay, we need to know more about these stuff"
"yeah, ok"

i rly appreciate daddy + mummy's efforts in trying, just. that.... like any other incident i can't really speak to them without choking up like a shit idek how to stop doing it because it just starts. i don't think it's even that morose or anything, can't really see it from a third person pov. maybe this will be funny when i grow up. my current muteness.
it's shocking how parents or any other older adult humans in fact, can get to the wise words and sentences and say it out before you have time to even figure it out in your own mind, because they are that wise. it's such a blessing to have adults in your life (i violently deny that i am one) ((omg i'm not))
they say they'll always support me/ they say money is not an urgent issue now/ they say young people must have more chances to try out different things/ they say there are so many things out there, why get bogged down by one woman/
them telling me this really makes me want to terminate this contract honestly and now i really don't know. i've been thinking about taking driving? on a whole new note which is a completely out of place thought.
six more months how the hell can i even think of quitting now. i'm scared that maybe i'm just hallucinating and things ain't as bad as it seems??? then again idk. maybe i just cannot have fear + sense in my brain at one time.
i would miss the kids so so much because i've never seen them genuinely happy laughing i don't want to be strict.
mum says to keep to my principles and that i don't deserve this.
kinda makes me wna xxx more because that's what i'm feeling??? and this constant fear every morning that i get, and my dad actually knows it without my pointing it out.

maybe i will just survive the week.
survive tomorrow
thanks so much jasmine, dee, trackies if yall went through this you'd really be thankful for friends like yourself hehehe
can't fathom what i'd do without such a blessing of parental love

check it out

"doing some math" on the computer now. genius method!!!!! thankful i got to know ha ha ha makes me happy. so it's actually like basically referring to answers in document form. just wanted to say that..... i always printed out my answers and changed them all to font size 8 times new roman because times new roman is my all-time favourite since sec 2 hehe. even those stupid wretched equations you have no idea.
1. changed my background cos it makes me happy /vintage rabbits woooo/
2. changed my interface cos it makes me happy /woooo rose pink/
3. spontaneous sleeping in the aftnn has led me to late late nights......

anw, picked up a book and it was a self-help book called being happy and i just got this whole enlightenment thing going on. i guess you really got to believe in happy thoughts in order to be happy and to enjoy what you do and not expect anything in return because you know you had this awesome journey to take with you. (yeh anything anything to make me motivated, even if it's just an inch.)

4. people are nicer when you are being nice to yourself.
i think it's something i will try to adopt.
5. the self-fulfilling prophecy exists!!!!!

period.

daggers in the dark

i wonder if too much thoughts and time for contemplation will make me worse rather than motivated. up til now i have no idea what to be. too dumb for the medicine stream, too science-y for the psychology stream, too inadequate for scholarships, too unwilling to be a lab technician or a biomedical engineer or a chemist or an accountant (compound taxes no thx) maybe i'd be something like my cartoon superhero and save the world in a particular way maybe i will climb tibetan mountains or travel the world by sail or invent something.
i don't know. reality. a rock and a hard place.
no anyway, this year is a hard year for us, like all of us and sometimes fighting is all you want and need to do throw away those sh1t though it's hard it's friggin tough to let the mind think up thoughts of others that become a burden and then being replete with mindless senseless false thoughts that make you self-combust and makes you bob in and out of melancholy. what. really, whattttt.
saw deonn perform again today second time in my life in tj, so proud to say that i know the girl who brought tj drama up to the ranks of gold with honours. honours. and inge and they surely must have put a mad amount of effort which fortunately paid off. so glad for them. so here's reassurance, d, that you've made your mark the way you've wanted to even though you thought you couldn't at times. but you did and it's amaaaaaazing. come to think of it, i guess we've all had a relatively good year, improved in one way or another. glad to know ket and vik will lead the team to attain the stage of faster, higher, stronger. and bren and jas played good matches and floorball is up at the semis and i'm so heartened to hear that.
i will miss all this.

stormy.

probably the worst i've ever felt.
can't./

hard times.

these days

greyskies

what a terrible day. thank god for delivering some good news too.

dislike discovering myself. hate how i make myself feel worse.
easter's coming already and i have not yet fulfilled my lenten promises gaaaaaaaah.

raise the flag. i hate writing titles boooo

time to clear up the dead stray papers and pack the files of the post-warzone era,
it's over (notice i held back from saying finally but okay now i typed it out---): nothing is over yet hehe
realised we're kinda trapped in a vicious vortex washing machine cycle of constant studying. the journey's that tough but i hope everyone pulls through it together.

more time now to focus on nat'ls. that ankle should be well because it must.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
huzzah for the hunger games!!!!!!!!!!! revved up because of the ratings and "pee-niss" heh i can't rly get over. of all names, and spellings, really. today i chanced upon a blog with good english and the prettiest pictures upon memory. because all girls from all girls schools keep blogs/diaries. heh til now there's still a hint of cedar pride in me. maybe because i was getting my hands all pricked up by holding the edge of those photos that i developed one too many from graduation day and haven't yet gave to my friends.

idk in this life i feel so hushed up and censored, is this really me????? i'm confused. anyhoo really grateful for whatever online time i have right now, especially now. now when i feel my life is defined by what i think of myself and that can be such a burden. ducks ducks harsh judgement is painful but harsh judgement is all-too-true. i actually hope bren wakes up early tomorw so we can head to the beach i need the beach in fact i just need any open space with oxygen that has not been used up and stuffed in the white-washed walls of torture.
ok that's life by far; waiting to catch up on lives i missed out on. (opportunity cost incurred)

bought 9.30$ worth of products and already feel maximum consumer utility (omg) what have i missed out on lyf.
and i guess, building up walls to shield myself from the explosion of truth that are the results of the mcts. how do people actly go about doing daily life things without overthinking????? pls enlighten me

my hair sucks cola. long also sucks, short even suckier,
SHAVING BALD.

what an impromptu catch up xmas sesh this was hahahaha  wouldn't expect anyone to be free birds on xmas day but so glad to talk to deonn on christmas morning, even if it was just the morning + looking at families eat kfc breakfast together. haha

random rainy day

life is cool; in a blessed kinda way.
so many stuff going on, the thoughts come resurfaced then go away in a blink, it's so hard to catch them and paste them here.

my thoughts destroy me, kinda like:

idk, kinda.
it's just me being a sulky old twat.
yay, i secretly hope everything goes well tomorrow!! guess who's being awesome and playing tennis with me tomorrow :')

gotta get my life in place then move on again/

i can skip now! i hope it stays that way; trainings have consisted of... lots of h2o lately. it's the weather, it's malfunctioning like it shouldn't be!!

yesterday was coach elwyn's birthday, happy birthday coach!! i really appreciate you, your advice and your patience. i really hope we can get something next year, we will work hard!

had a nice talk w/ sinhui that day after cancelled training and it was nice. hey sin hui, if you're reading this, then hi!! i don't think i will revive twitter any time soon, only if i remember. stay strong, this will resolve itself with time. (pray we survive trainings)!!


& today at macs we concocted a curry solution from coffee creamer, tons of corn syrup, two packets of grape jam, a few clumps of margarine, pepper, salt, chilli and ketchup. basically everything we could get our hands on. and huiting tasted it and i hope she's not constipating, cuz it kinda was bubbling and everything!!!!

only eleven months in this school and my english has already deteriorated at an exponential rate. ggggah.

yeah, sometimes you think you're trying to hard and then you stop thinking it's rational but to others it might not be and the world then ends up confused and your feet starts hurting and so does your throbbing head.
nightttttt

OK HAPPY DAY!!

forever is a long time.

ranted.

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