who am i and why am i confused.

scene: 9.38 pm, darkish, humid.
take us down but we keep trying/ forty thousand feet keep flying.
-a vibration from the phone/ a call-
M: it's so late already, are you coming back soon?
...
M: (concern) we thought something happened to you. daddy went out to look for you.
B: (spurted) huh??? i'm coming home soon. walking along opera estate there.
M: okay.

you finally cared. you finally called. you didn't know i'm bingeing. (why the hell am i bingeing). you take it as if singapore is the most dangerous city in the world. you take it as if singapore is not safe enough for me to run on a stretch of well-lit park connector.you don't know my problems. you take it as if i can never look after myself. you never let me try.
you never did ask about anything. i fuvkd it all up by not caring bfr this/ this looks unimaginably impossible to amend. never did ask how my day went. i never did manage to muster up the courage. i see a younger sibling  just two yrs my junior living the teenage life i had alws envisioned. a life where you didn't give two hoots about arriving at the doorstep near midnight. because the sibling is a he, not a she. b/c being a guy means being safe in the night.
you promised that i could talk to you whenever i had issues. and hell do i. it's a sick unsatiable dependency i have on others. almost 3/4 of my daily caloric intake in less than an hour. this binge cannot be stopped. i wouldn't dare to tell you this. this is such a perfect family. nothing ever goes wrong here.
just five pairs of deft fingers dancing on the iphone screen during meal times together. five physical bodies in close proximity, yet never have i been so distant from each of them. solemn faces, unwilling to open. does this happen to every household, idk.
me getting irritable that every sentence i say has to be repeated for my father. anti-climatic irritability just puts me off saying things anymore. nothing ever works.
welcome to my mind.

lord. i have lost you. this society is too porcelain-perfect for me and my mind to handle. the stresses to be a perfect little family- one that is so dependent on one another, just has the opposite effect on me. i can never be more grateful for the 'peace' in this household. a gratuitous peace. yet something is missing altogether. there is but a hollow shell here in op estate.
around me people have legit reasons to feel terrible about their lives, while i have none. it is only the battle against myself.

stormy.

probably the worst i've ever felt.
can't./

raise the flag. i hate writing titles boooo

time to clear up the dead stray papers and pack the files of the post-warzone era,
it's over (notice i held back from saying finally but okay now i typed it out---): nothing is over yet hehe
realised we're kinda trapped in a vicious vortex washing machine cycle of constant studying. the journey's that tough but i hope everyone pulls through it together.

more time now to focus on nat'ls. that ankle should be well because it must.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
huzzah for the hunger games!!!!!!!!!!! revved up because of the ratings and "pee-niss" heh i can't rly get over. of all names, and spellings, really. today i chanced upon a blog with good english and the prettiest pictures upon memory. because all girls from all girls schools keep blogs/diaries. heh til now there's still a hint of cedar pride in me. maybe because i was getting my hands all pricked up by holding the edge of those photos that i developed one too many from graduation day and haven't yet gave to my friends.

idk in this life i feel so hushed up and censored, is this really me????? i'm confused. anyhoo really grateful for whatever online time i have right now, especially now. now when i feel my life is defined by what i think of myself and that can be such a burden. ducks ducks harsh judgement is painful but harsh judgement is all-too-true. i actually hope bren wakes up early tomorw so we can head to the beach i need the beach in fact i just need any open space with oxygen that has not been used up and stuffed in the white-washed walls of torture.
ok that's life by far; waiting to catch up on lives i missed out on. (opportunity cost incurred)

bought 9.30$ worth of products and already feel maximum consumer utility (omg) what have i missed out on lyf.
and i guess, building up walls to shield myself from the explosion of truth that are the results of the mcts. how do people actly go about doing daily life things without overthinking????? pls enlighten me

my hair sucks cola. long also sucks, short even suckier,
SHAVING BALD.

what an impromptu catch up xmas sesh this was hahahaha  wouldn't expect anyone to be free birds on xmas day but so glad to talk to deonn on christmas morning, even if it was just the morning + looking at families eat kfc breakfast together. haha

happy, but i shouldn't be.

hi world, jo said she had a new wallpaper, so i got suddenly inspired, like hit by a rock kind of inspired and so these are the pictures of my life. idk, i feel like i'm not doing anything substantial enough to call it mugging. trying, but always falling asleep like no one's business. ok maybe it's my business, just that i don't seem to care much nowadays. that saddens me, cos i think i used up all my motivation for....

i'm not sure actually. i feel that its not yet in me, like it's supposed to be. like how everyone's already IN THE ZONE but like my figurative construction workers are digging up a great big moat around the zone and keeping me out of it. so i'm figuratively out of the zone. so much for everything. gaaaaaah.

 

so i'm just waiting for the end. but like there's nothing there.

the boobs are staying awake tonight, hopefully i'm up too.

idk this life is dreary. (ok maybe it's just the fact that i don't get math and it's tough. calculus you don't deserve your existence in the universe.)

what, september holidays of the 2011 are ending. what. (vowel spam here  ←)

^^ v ain't much, but.

i guess if i had the guts to tell you this i would. and it is that yeah, you're right the world is really cruel, everybody's got their head down and everybody's being selfish and uncaring. but life's like this; the most ironic thing is that it doesn't take into account how many people you've cared for, or how many man-hours you placed in wishing well for others and hoping that they'd be a better person. life's about priorities and having discipline and sticking to these priorities. knowing what you are fighting for, and challenging yourself into doing better, even if it is at the expense of others. i don't know why life acts this way, but it just is. it may seem like no one seems to care, when all that really is, probably, is just personal ongoing battles of the heart.
sorry for being the worst ever friend. and thank you for being understanding. i think it's probably the best thing anyone could ask for right now.
wait a second, i don't think what we are living now is even considered life. there are no emotions, only the sadness and stress of promos. there's like nothing to live for and i really hope this won't be what it's like in the future. if not, we aren't humans anymore. only blank respiring zombies with mitochondrion swimming in our blood, living out their independent lives with separate dna.
yeah, okay, don't really know what i'm saying.

i've been lying on my bed and being pensive amidst the occasional napping going on (sh*t) and if anything, i'm kinda grateful for my mom. like i know i'm acting the same way i was, and i've always found out it was not easy to say what i have to say, but ever since that night after titans, however sucky that night was- after everything, i'm glad she's treating me with a bit more sympathy. i guess that's how to put it. anyway my heart feels a lot less bitter and fidgety. maybe it's because i'm trying to change my mindset, which is a major achievement for me. i'm starting to appreciate her more, and it's wasted because i should've appreciated the every bit that mothers do that make them wonderful. but yeah, i'm starting out.-
there are lots of gaps in my thoughts right now. too distracted. pw. okay, lost my train of thought there.

but anyway, hello. it's sixteen days to promos. okay not too sure about the exact day, since the most important thing is that its less than twenty freaking days. i don't know what i'm doing, being a hobo i guess... :/

everyone will be in my prayers~~

aiya screw this. i want to slap my face in flour and idk, scare people or something. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. and scream hokkien vulgarities.