food making today under the kitchen sunlight ❤️

sweet potatoes w sour cream and avocado-chocolate which is practically my fav thing atm ❤️❤️❤️

clean/

today i went driving for the first time in the family car: kallang leisure park carpark and my dad -who was my instructor for the day- reluctantly let me drive to chung cheng where sis and cuz were training. i think.... i'm not an adept driving human???

i take swing my head left n right several times bfr confirming it's clear (ultisafety101) and the cars only come into almost-crash me when i didn't look that one time. there's some force of the universe conspiring against me and driving..... if i do drive, <45 km/h is good for me, thx. 

this wk i managed a run w hweems and it was the first 12k in frkn AGES ❤️ there's always a motivation when running w her or just anyone else bc u cannot stop when you're tired and when u promised to meet up, it's a given to exercise 

which brings me to the ketchup w jo-ann n xy: "we should meet up more often, but not for foods' sake". i am in dire need of such ideas!!! all meet-ups revolve around food and it's not right that food should be the only social glue!! i love food and friends but why are we so hungry all da time ha ha ha 

blogilates: holy blanket sheets, hweem n i heaved and screamed in unison when we found that we do cassey's vids and w jo-ann n xy:

x "guys, i've something to tell you- i'm doing pilates"

r "omg ISSIT BLOGILATES"

after that it was all a blur bc i was so happy HAHAHAH EVERYONES DOING BLOGILATES and that makes me happy bc cassey's exercises make me happy and i srsly swear by that stuff. and her values. and her motivation. wooopeeee

and jo-ann brought a flask of detox juice (spinach, carrots, apples). wts srsly it's amazing how lives can be physically separate yet so creepy-similar; i'm not complaining ☺️☺️☺️☺️

going raw

theres a project called 365grateful and it is of a lady who had suffered frm depression but found great joy in taking a polaroid a day of all th3 things she is grateful for. seems so simple but it musthave taken a lot of willpower and perseverance to squeeze out happy moments even in the darkest of pmsy days.

anw what went down today was hardcore baking w my scholarly friends at home and it was great how we were all excited about healthy raw vegan baking in our own way, like the first taste of the avocado chocolate ganache (instant hit i swear upon it) or just the convenience of dumpin the ingredients into the food processor and waiting for the magic to befall upon us. raw food is an fresh new aspect to explore in the gastronomic realm but definitely worth exploring.
it is also exciting bc it makes me really happy that i'm getting sweet foods at the low price of minimal calories!!! it's my one new years wish that i want to keep at. and hopefully i can bring gems of recipe ideas to sydney.
sydney is this year!!! i have to read a really long contract from the student accomodation place -really impt info there- & the kids are talking about it while i am just..... idk. i'm waiting for a good time to properly open up the documents and read it carefully. woops that time'd better be soon

oh & properly plan and pack for hongkong which is this week *thoroughly excitessss*!!! talking to friends about it makes me scared of the canto-concentration but most of them reassures me that surviving on engrish and weak chinese is fine.

Stifled giggle ¤ Secret sanctum

Celebrated YY's birthday ytd and it was nice meeting up, having (somewhat comfortingly bitchy oops) post-final chats. Rly felt nice and nostalgic, like i get the privilege to relive those pockets of happy JC memories w them. That's basically the joy whenever old friends from past lives meet up and talk like we do not age. Actually really lucky for peng yous i have and i've said it so much since 2009 (urppz puberty) i've grown old n wrinkly just counting them but like rebecca v2.0 here really takes it up a notch when she said it this time.
When i was walking to bedok mall i stifled a giggle while thinking of my choice of friends bc i can't believe i'm so lucky *maybe this is happiness at work maybe i'm lucky*
& the cherry on top is that
1. popo thinks and worries abt me being sh1tty noobz in aussie and not being able to cook ginseng chicken soup (defntly a real cause 4 concern), even though she's hurting.
2. i got to buy dinner back for 3/5 of family today. like an almighty caveman hunting prey for his wife and kids except it's me using limbs to travel to bedok mall to get food- mummy entrusted me w a grown up thing to do and i'm appreciative of it
3. my cousin is in need of a speech therapist and ah yee says she'll wait for me to study my course so she can consult me. i think thats a major game changer for me in how i face my academics next year, hopefully my level of speechie-lovin' will skyrocket and take my grades along with it. but wow grades aside, i think to serve or do anything in fact, needs pure passion and dedication. & to those who have it in them, are absolutely remarkable and command a high level of respect.
i didn't have the maturity to recognize this before. i didn't know how hard people worked to get where there are right now- the sacrifices the heartache the turmoil wow it's amazing
and more amazing to think that everyone has it in them to make a difference in the world. theres so much potential in people and it matters so much what you do w it
i didnt have the maturity to recognize this before, bc it was such a big deal for me to stare at my inner demons and fear it. and that precious time wasted could have been used to notice all the great things in life and make it btr yknow??? a little part of me does not regret my stinky past though, bc w/o it i wouldnt have cme to this conclusion
i managed to handle my feelings such that i dont need to eat/exercise to feel better abt myself <- grrrrrrr messed up mind thoughts.

and huzzah for finding absolute gems in the city hall area and having nam nam phö noodles as a centrepiece for a comfy meet up w/ x. furevr appreciatin the sentences we exchange which somehow alw gets me rly excited to travel and see the world (& make it better yet not affect the unique cultural heritage of it) and like it's all really empowering?!?!?! insane to the membrane.

*trudges on imaginary airport runway en route to bkk* i badly wish for 2013 to end with me having btr relations w my fam n it's all on me now to make the change aughhh

my thoughts are stars i can't fathom into constellations.

caught the hobbit (desolation of smaug) w my family on friday night. i've always regarded it as sort of a tradition: all of us watching peter jackson movies since its inception a decade ago (!!!). one more great hobbit movie to go!! legolas still being amazing as ever. i clipped up newpaper articles of him and of a troy movie advert bc orlando bloom was in it. omh he's heaven even after a decade.
these few days were a blur, but i rmb visiting pops and seeing fam members i'd normally only see on weekends. i can never stop appreciating how our family bands together in a time of need like this.
met paige and time w her is always cherished (thank you). had 50c sushi and really proud of us not biting off more than we can chew ha ha preventing our fatty cravings from getting the best of us and what's pretty amazing is that when i would normally polish off junk when i reach home- i didn't!!!! i felt it was such an accomplishment at that particular moment, like my road to progress is being constructed really well. it's real it's happening and i will adopt it as my whole new way of life. my feelings since bhutan have lingered (in a good way). there was limited variety of food and i packed raisins, prunes and nuts for the road and also brought like 5 apples and persimmons. i felt at ease because my food choices were reduced to those few better choices. and i guess right now i am trying hella hard to condition my body not to fall easy victim to foods bad for me. i love drinking hot tea in bhutan too!!! *ribbon around finger* must do that here.
they serve tea in every meal, mostly black tea. it suits the weather and food perfectly. a truly harmonious amalgamation of flavours complementing one another. really amazing! green tea has an amazing nutty flavour which i'm extremely addicted to. <- gotta have more of that!!! <-

welps today was bedok mall visit number 2 w my uss gang. sampled tim ho wan and itacho sushi- crazy delectable hk n japan cuisine. really the variety of food here is unmatched. haven't seen those girls in ages esp yy and we laughed ha lot (geddit). at one point we reasoned w ourselves why we are trying on uniqlo winterwear in a noob attempt to prevent the staff from kicking us out. we tried 3 different winter jackets and all was well.
"eh this one not bad leh only 179.90$"
"omgosh it's so soft feel it"
"we need this for our korea trip right, how cold is it there ah"
and in the end:
"oh man our flight got cancelled"
"oh well too expensive, i'm putting it back on the rack"

why are we almost 20 y/o (?)

state: post-food-coma.

yesterday: a la thanksgiving meal-

1. d'good cafe's english breakfast set consisting of toasted brioche, sauerkraut, crispy bacon, perfectly milky scrambled eggs and baked beans. ($16) with 3 pots of twg's silver moon tea (amazing!!!!) t'was a hearty lunch
2. island creamery's mud pie. two (?) years since mud pie tasting. still the similar lovely taste i've known.
3. hatched's *spanish dish*. a really large fried omelette with roasted potatoes, tomatoes, sweetened caramelized onions and red n green peppers. a lone piece of toast was buried under this generous mound of protein heaven.

bottom-line: the cafes at holland v makes for a perfectly instagrammable day for the epicurean. i only wish iphone bc samsung phone--- smh. the awfully pixellated and pale coloured photos will do no justice to happy food like these.

celebrated jas goon's first day of post a's with a really productive round of hong kong itinerary planning! was at d'good for five hours first online-shopping from f21's black friday sales rack (REALLY EXHILARATING ONLINE SHOPPING WOOHOO) i was distressed, stressed, blinded by fear of items being oos (hehe). pity the longer i fumbled w the payments, more items went oos. i bid my 18$ shorts and hweem's hair pins and sis' muscle tops farewell. and jas introduced taobao and things go as cheap as a dollar like what what what?!?!?!?! rly in love w d'good's concept like they have swings and balconies and nice food smells. appreciation once i've gotten over how narrow the corridors are and the lift. the lift. scary heh.

aft blog surfing i think hong kong will be a food haven: dim sum for breakfast lunch dinner supper snack, cycle repeats. they sell some cosmetics and branded goods cheaper than sg prices too so more in-depth research coming up.

i have officially resigned from the clinic job and i think the holiday period will be happy as i have decided that it will be!!!!!!! the rain will make living here tons better! and the overseas trips are a highlight too

ok so jas is a super emotionless friend and i was amused and jelly ok i was jelly bc i think overthinking is a taxing job. it's a job i didn't ask for and i wish that i didn't have in the first place. (launching into essay time in 3.. 2..) thoughts really do shape one's perspective and perspective is a huge factor in the outlook on life and conversely how happy you are depends on your own perspective of your life. i mean people who have a really strong and admirable character- emitting positive and happy rays give me the impression that nothing fazes them. hurl them an obstacle and they can manipulate it in their favour. i didn't use to admire these people per se, i was over-the-top jealous of them. i hypothetically constructed a comparison table of my life and their's and made myself feel really bad. i wish people wouldn't do that for themselves because it's a tiring job; comparing. i felt it made me a lesser person yet i felt compelled to do it bc a part of me wanted to better my life. i was getting nowhere though. it has got much better now that i've realized the harsh error of my ways.

current read: dance dance dance

that frustrating book starring a peculiar sheep man. rn idk whether hes a man or a sheep (man in sheep?) sooo.....
want to go to hong kong so bad this feeling is real and ive gone to tripadvisor which means im going jodi mode which means this will happen!!!!11 idk what is it about hk; the dimsum thoughts have been clouding my ability to think rationally all i want is that and to immerse in their culture and go to theme parks and do a fair share of shopping!!!
tried my hand at online shopping ytd (40mins of browsing the f21 online shop) i concluded i cannot do it easily bc the models are in another realm that is not this reality i mean like humans dont look like that and every item looks amazing on them!!! and yea amazing clothes dont rly fit well here i think i just need basic things....
-i kennut go diving into sales items again i just kant- bc good price doesnt mean good vibes wearing them
and *general fact moment* i think its rly irrational for people to base their consumer choices on price especially food bc what the body needs isnt anything related to how cheap something is!!!! DONT DO IT!!! esp those processed food no no no a transient moment's satisfaction is not worth endangering your body's health. thats really a thought for me...

today i threw in a tiny piece of dark chocolate into my boiling cauldron of bubbly oatmeal and it's so gorgeous to see it melt when i fold it in woohoo and in a few seconds the entire batch of oatmeal gets a few shades darker. x10 better than cocoa powder!!

another satisfying moment worth holding on to is the smell of the air in the park (especially before the impending shower) - that was ytd n im glad i had the willpower to get up n running
:-) :-) :-)

am spposed to book my first flight out to syd but the agent hasnt got back to me sooo.... its a sign to wait a lil while more HEH

disclaimer: its that monthly inconvenience thing again

wow ive nevr gotten that mad since august, or smth. it was some screwed up shit over driving (i could only get 1 lesson prior to my next test and my mom ws pissed but dammit her getting loud all of a sudden just rly set me off this time and triggered all the hot tears n that sucks coz i nvr get to speak coherently like that. ok so it is crazy that abt the whole 1 lesson thing but i srsly could only get one lesson n t makes me mad too?!?!??!?! i am alw abhorrently confident w driving bc i feel if there r so many people who drive on the road so effortlessly then why cant i. and why wont i)
n the other thing is that im really angry with myself. my past self. my self all those secondary / jc years.the fact that i was writing for this invisible audience that always criticized me in whatever i did. faceless figures that judged me harshly whenver i chose the more socially less acceptable option.  g0dda#n it there were so many instances i hated myself. my self-worth was clearly negligible and i had clearly recognized it but instead of improving it, it only made a deeper gash into my self-esteem. i was emotionally hurting myself and i allowed myself to inflict that hurt.
the past consisted of so many self-deprecating (and tbh almost pathetic) habits

• scrolled thru endless tweets of friends' perfect moments and then beat myself over it by saying; you should make friends w her bc she is popular and her life is so perfect
• never studying alone. it was the worst when i was in cedar. i mean this whole imaginary popularity contest clearly polluted my mind and i was crazy to have actually put the social definition of 'fun' higher than my grades. studied in the public library and then posting on facebook afterwards of the alarmingly little content i had covered bc it was so fun catching up.
• never b seen alone in sch / pretend to be super exclusive n act accordingly. i was so obsessed with wanting to be in a group, i'd take every initiative to pull us together yet just the right amount held back bc i didn't want to seem too needy. in retrospect i think it was just bc i simply didn't have enough self-respect for myself. i didn't realize how important a little bit of self-respect can go.
• hate-reading. bc oftentimes i needed consolation for my miserable life, i mentally put down many people whose blogs i chance upon. i was so obsessed with social media why wasn't i diagnosed idek....... anw, the sole definition of internet for me was reading blogs in secret as if i did not have a life of my own. not to watch comedy series, not to blog-shop.

it's mental abuse and why hadn't i realized it, until now???? wirojeeigjakjgnseq.
i had toxic amounts of spite and envy and all those horrible things you wish would stay out of your life forever. i think as a result of it, i became more afraid to let any semblance of character in me show, bc i was afraid of being judged, like how i personified judgement.
typing this out actually made things more lucid, wow ok.
yeah so just now i was upset that i actually brought years of misery. upon myself. which is the most foolish thing you can ever ever do. i learn that self-love is essential and also, being humble doesn't mean to put yourself down (even if it says so in the bible). humble people love themselves too and everybody should know that. in fact, the best people love themselves bc they know that by doing so, they would have the heart to help empower others, which i think is a pretty marvellous realisation.
as much as i am upset that i have been completely obliterated by the hungry flames of self-deprecation circa 2009, i'm more determined

• to love myself more bc no freaking one can ever love this as much as the heart of this human and the beautiful organs that undergo processes that help it to survive
• n e v e r  to let anyone's opinions override mine; bc my opinion is important too and i should always know that. (i hadn't known that.)
• never to let the faceless humans in my brain take the reigns to what is known as my life.
• never be scalded too badly by actions of others which i always assume to be subtle signs of disinterest/disapproval/discouragement towards me. read: can u not overthink too much stop being a pathetic sad sod.
• to have a more positive opinion of myself.
• to be empowered by and proud of my clean eating lifestyle. in doing so i realize the positive changes that are stirring within my body (this is true)

• to be happy content with who i am. and be happy for others.

it's seriously much more enjoyable to be admirable of others than to be envious of long, lean legs or slim arms. i alw tell myself that everyone is on their own fitness journey. we're all at different stages in trying to get lean and actually, that is what shapes (pun) the world and gives it this wonderful diversity. everyone is different and that is something to embrace and savour.
ok so i am coming clean n saying that i sometimes dk why i am the way i am physically. sometimes i resign to the fact that i'll never be content w my body. looking at the body transformations on tumblr or instag rly inspires me though, that these people only headed towards one direction and overcame all those sick demons that put them down.

/end. everyday will be perfect bc i will make it so.

getting the hang of this clean eating thing...! *fingers crossed*

lunchies today!!! whipped up from my imagination ha ha sounds gay but whadevzx~

 

fun day on sunday at medszxzx at millennia walk w the family + 2 little cousins. finally super great food (octopus paella n i can never fall out of love with it). went to collect the great eastern women's run which is happening this sunday!! well 'never let perfect be the enemy of good', so as long as i do some form of exercise n not beat myself over the other times i am not doing exercise, i guess i'm alright. btw lovin that quote, trying to live by it everyday.

nowadays tumblr's fuelling me w word energy. lots and lots and lots of quotes, happy food essentially motivation to live life w/o the need to have calorie-intense things. more sensitive to changes in the body w all the positive vibes.

coolio saturday~

one sentence summary ok: watched cutie patootie cousins x 2 's perforkances at st stevens today one of them graduating and he did some shimmy limbo thing while my nursery boy had stage fright during his bollywood perf ha ha the parent audience lapped up like it's an imptthing but then again when do u get to see ur child doing dances w his chubby 4-6 y/o limbs
did a 1000 cal workout ytd by fitness blender n rly its a killer one i used my anat textbook as a weight n strength train haaaa but the bsst was the kickboxing n boyi wish u saw me --- or not, bc i was half spasmodically flailing my limbs about in an attempt to defend myself from my imaginary opponent n half being out of breath
i am sore this is my first youtube workout i was actually sore all over gah

highly recommended for every reader ♡●♡●♡

to not binge is to not binge like literally you cant tell urself uve eaten too much bc then youll be in this vicious cycle of depression/starvation and for me i'd wna eat eat eat more during depression mode so yeah
getting my shit together bc im the only one that can help myself if i dont nobody will im just gg to take deep breaths,
realize that im not hungry probably just need to find smth to do
go pee/drink some wataaa or herbal tea
not choose processed bc
♥♥♥ happy taste buds r not worth sad livers ♥♥♥
lol

the beach is a 5c4ry kind of g00d.

 

hello,

missed this space a lot, haven't been round here much, but

i think life so far has been swell. keeping positive really works wonders.

time 11.35 pm

i think the two minute anti-procrastination trick is holding up for me pretty well. and
ever since I've started thinking happier, things just fall into place much easier, I mean:

• if you look at it the positive way, i've been able to eat something sinful and not beat myself up about it vis a vis feeling like crap and stressing out over it and hence leading to more bingeing tendencies.
• i think the way we eat really reflects how we are as a person. the more you love yourself, the more you want to fuel yourself w/ the good stuff, the more the bad stuff appeals less and less for you- been seeing this all over fitblrs and I've finally seen the light too!!! (though this i've got to work on)
• but giving myself some slack has done good things for me. in fact, i dare say I've been eating better and it's definitely looking to be a good way of life for the future.
• while i was on my run, thinking about the future (ie when should i bathe when i return/ should i have more food to eat/ what can i blog about) makes me stressed up and slowed down my pace while focusing on my breathing and the goal definitely made the time pass faster. the distance also seemed shorter!! rly hoping for the 15km run by 15th oct goal to be a reality.
• i don't rly dig the underground tunnel to the beach bc it has a dreary haunted vibe to it and I feel claustrophobic in there but --- the beach!!!!!! fresh air, the wind, the clearly demarcated paths for cyclists and joggers..... definitely worth it guys. 
• p.s i was also afraid of kidnappers hiding out behind the secluded trees / somali pirates who arrive here by boat n do stuff but --- the beach.
• also cannot be more grateful to blogilates. a few months back I sucked and was in a srsly pathetic state my knees were wobbly during those thigh lifts, I paused the videos to roll around and cry a bit at this hard-core intensity, when she eight more I did four...... and now it's an accomplish I must recognize bc it's finally here, determination delivered to my doorstep. finding comfort in the discomfort. the focusing on the breathing and posture.

this post is a lot more than the two-minute rule,
but if I ever falter when i'm away, i think this is the post i want to rmb so that i can get back on my feet and still feel ok w it.

tl;dr-
it's a happy journey!!!!
i should never be too hard on myself- let minor slips happen bc life is too short to go into another bingeing episode
celebrate and cherish achievements bc no one else can do it for you
do things one at a time. think about things one at a time.

plop plop thoughts

think about it. your future self won't think back on the excuses you used for yourself, rather what you have done with your life. life cannot be just built on excuses like

"maybe i'll run later" *proceeds to not running*

"maybe i'll eat healthy"

*proceeds to making a homemade concoction of brownies and ice cream*- guys the biggest joke is that i did a 12k and also, the brownies thing. but nope i won't beat myself over it. i'm drinking more water now though. and um, yeah 

got my plan set out for today. developing some photos and possibly buying one roll of films to use.

right now i'm going to sleep u_u

Revival of running

☺ Pumped up for my kicks ☺

Back then (three hours ago), I swore to myself these would be my new best friends. Then they started giving me blisters and my knees and leg/ankle divide started hurting so I'm not sure whether it's the vibrams soles or my running method or just the minimalist design 

Ok but screw all that, running is still the ultimate pleasure esp exploring new routes and I'm grateful that these shoes are pretty light ☀ so it'll make running long distances better and less arduous!!

Running will be my perpetual pleasure *psycho* and hopefully this will last til the end of my Uni stint. 

Thank you reebok zig zags affectionately known as bubblegum shoes my previous love you've served me well throughout JC heh heh through road runs and the crazy lucky heights runs during mass PE

Entering week three of guilt free eating. Really excited and actually, quite amazed by this feat. I usually go nuts over portion control, bc I cannot portion control. But good good food and an equally good mindset keeps everything in control