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that day seems to have kinda come. it's road run today!!! and the weather is as bleak as the future. to be honest, i just feel like giving up sometimes. if people's heart and passion aren't present, then really how come we should be bothering and getting all flustered about it?
were we really just a team with ambitious dreams? i haven't felt positive in a while. and the team, the team is really all i could ask for. these people can be great friends even outside the sport. i love everyone of them, and now that more people have entered with the welcoming of the new year, our determination seems to have grown ever more fantastically radiant, just. they try so hard and ket's pushing herself again and sh is always there and mighty.

and today's her birthday.

i'm the worst ever friend, my life is kinda screwed up and over and i actually forgot about it omg i hate myself for it. this girl, although she's busy like half the time like she should, and she deserves it, has been having my back for the longest time, tolerating all the annoying that has piled on her and the happy times winning random matches, esp the time at tennis camp where i really thought i couldn't but did so in the end, all the complaints and worries she has taken and we have lived through the shiz and the smiles and just life. i couldn't find a better friend and doubz girl. thank you so much, even if it's only been like what, less than a year, or maybe a lil more- about there. times have been crazy and demanding but we've already passed through half of jc life. happy eighteenth. thank you for alw caring.

and then there's again the boobs that i forever cherish. and always remember to write here, for some reason or another. blogging is more of a past time that has lived through the years with me.

to be honest, i don't really know what to focus on. i want to be strong for my team, but this road run. i don't wanna think of how bad my run is. i know everyone's disappointed, and i, with myself too. you guys had really high hopes right? i don't even know how the knee thing got to me. i feel really, really. like an invalid right now. it's as if my best will never ever be enough to pull us through.

and in this time and age, when everyone seems to be preoccupied and i'm only like a wandering thread of dust that has no real aim... i don't really know how to react to that.
and everyone asks me if i'm okay but sometimes you just know that they aren't really the ones feeling fine. i feel terrible that others have it worst than me but yet can keep it all together.
i really need people to read these shet chunks of words, but i'm afraid to.

a few months ago the hype was all about pattaya. the impact was really big, but i guess it kinda faded off. flames to dust. missing that impact in my life again. missionary work, just throwing yourself and sacrificing yourself to god and the orphans seem really mandatory right now.

og12, thanks for being together. thanks for having all these crazy times, as if time can be wasted like running water. but this. is the best, most cherished time ever. cherish your time together og12. there's always this hope i have for them, that they would never burn out. kinda making me miss my og12. we were so averagely great, and the friends i got out of there, were the greatest benefit. (hello, dee.)

it's nearing comp and i don't feel so good. there would always be this gnawing feeling but. my reflexes haphazardly dismiss it. i'm worried as shit. sometimes you don't really want to hold responsibilities and then other times you just have to do stuff.

in other news, i feel so bad for you. i'm sorry i've been a terrible terrible friend, made it awkward and made every time unbearable and tough to swallow. the fact dawned on me today. and i'm so sorry. but you're probably okay with it. just that i feel bad. so i will say i'm madly apologetic. the feeling gets even worse when i feel i can talk to almost everyone, yeah. f la, fml. i screw up everything, like a tractor squishing grass beneath it.