pre-nats 1.1

suck it up rebecca suck it up stop letting stupid stuff get to you and infect the mood and who you are. hate this hate this hate this. hate social etiquette and the constant need to stay within the social sanity limit. hate getting involved with stuff that doesn't concern me. urghhhhhhhaghhhthghriojoqg okay calming the fork down. ___

boy, the lord has a way to humor life. all the setbacks...

my day was brightened up by them amusing kids hazel, lok, zk, phone tapping and sending guailan messages like free texts. (literally) thank you, if you see this. first soccer girls match today. our time will be soon. take care everyone take care team you guys must pull through.

good luck (pre-nat'ls)

motto for everything forever.

hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for everyone. hopefully we'll finally be realizing that the hypothetical end is near (i love the team because they're more than i ever wanted and i feel like we're friends without being ever so formal and that's good. all in favour of the upcoming season. the jersey's done and the skirts are in and everything is transiently blissful. ever so relieved.)

of course then there are the other things at the back of the mind that are deemed insignificant but are always a bitch and seem to get at me quite often when i'm alone with my thoughts, and sometimes my bed. but meh. all for the season. i can only try to conjure up positive thoughts and have no other expectations except playing a good game, but i'm not so sure. anyway it's quite funny how me and abi aren't really talking to each other because we are on different teams, like i feel quite awkward if i ask her about the state of her team, and her if she asks about mine. we are so formal, it irks me!!!! but i only have good wishes for her, i think things at cedar were rosier, idk. i definitely have no regrets for where i am now. and on the same token, the soccer girls' first match tomorrow and idk why i feel it's significant. they all worked hard. it's the freaking season. it's here. the reason we played for so many months, and our last moment of glory in honour of the school and everyone who fought for us, actually. and sports is amazing in this way, just because it's so universal and everyone can say "i feel you, bro" to every other person. sigh. i just need to hold my breath and not think about anything else but the team and press on until the end.

oh, and the reason. i feel relieved. like all the crying was not in vain. praise god for the prayers answered. things are finally looking up and my heart has been relieved of its numbing burden. finally visited mum today and i had all these bad dreams. but screw that, things are okay. enough to worry. it is and will hopefully all be a bad memory when i think of it in the distant future. and b's been a great help she really has. gaah. okay this post is worth remembering. despite all the other shortcomings, this day is actually meaningfully a happy one.

"age is not an option but maturity is a choice."

IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS PICTURE DESERVE SO. MUCH. WIN.??? i'm saving this for future generations, period.

greyskies

what a terrible day. thank god for delivering some good news too.

dislike discovering myself. hate how i make myself feel worse.
easter's coming already and i have not yet fulfilled my lenten promises gaaaaaaaah.

raise the flag. i hate writing titles boooo

time to clear up the dead stray papers and pack the files of the post-warzone era,
it's over (notice i held back from saying finally but okay now i typed it out---): nothing is over yet hehe
realised we're kinda trapped in a vicious vortex washing machine cycle of constant studying. the journey's that tough but i hope everyone pulls through it together.

more time now to focus on nat'ls. that ankle should be well because it must.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
huzzah for the hunger games!!!!!!!!!!! revved up because of the ratings and "pee-niss" heh i can't rly get over. of all names, and spellings, really. today i chanced upon a blog with good english and the prettiest pictures upon memory. because all girls from all girls schools keep blogs/diaries. heh til now there's still a hint of cedar pride in me. maybe because i was getting my hands all pricked up by holding the edge of those photos that i developed one too many from graduation day and haven't yet gave to my friends.

idk in this life i feel so hushed up and censored, is this really me????? i'm confused. anyhoo really grateful for whatever online time i have right now, especially now. now when i feel my life is defined by what i think of myself and that can be such a burden. ducks ducks harsh judgement is painful but harsh judgement is all-too-true. i actually hope bren wakes up early tomorw so we can head to the beach i need the beach in fact i just need any open space with oxygen that has not been used up and stuffed in the white-washed walls of torture.
ok that's life by far; waiting to catch up on lives i missed out on. (opportunity cost incurred)

bought 9.30$ worth of products and already feel maximum consumer utility (omg) what have i missed out on lyf.
and i guess, building up walls to shield myself from the explosion of truth that are the results of the mcts. how do people actly go about doing daily life things without overthinking????? pls enlighten me

my hair sucks cola. long also sucks, short even suckier,
SHAVING BALD.

what an impromptu catch up xmas sesh this was hahahaha  wouldn't expect anyone to be free birds on xmas day but so glad to talk to deonn on christmas morning, even if it was just the morning + looking at families eat kfc breakfast together. haha

muse #352

Me when I go out: I should've stayed home

Me when I stay home: I should've gone out

Me when i'm around people: I want to be alone

Me when i'm alone: I want to be around people

once again.

all of those things above. like really, whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut's the use of trying if nothing good is going to come your way? i'm close to done with trying. curling-up and burying myself wake me when this shts over.

so emotionally drained, esther couldn't find a better time and way of saying it after today's paper. gahh.

the most terrifying thing in these times is how i haven't had proper conversations with a human being. being anti-social. mmmmmmmh.

summer sweet

this picture is so amusing *note the giant shadowy finger. how the imperfect things make this picture perfect~ two years ago

feeling like a fumbly stumbly bear just without the beatbox and the cool hipster shades.

thank you x.

amidst this mad rush of studying, taking a little bit of time off just to marvel at pictures on threadless and read your posts. it actually means a whole lot to me, thank you so much, i can't even-. can't wait to get over with the mcts and just catch up on life again, you owe me a great big one ♥. cries of generalizations aside, i have concluded that i am such a girl that it irks me because i think too much. and eat too much during this time.

thanks to everyone for their concerns, you're all very awesome/ 

it would be kinda amazing to have kickass adventures with people.

comp's starting, my ankle's good (the bamboo suction cups were cool), the team's well (n.)

couldn't ask for anything more. 

f00lish

heavenly.

this almost looks like god parting the skies to see us.

the a level results really stirred up some semblance of motivation in me, hopefully i'll take it as an important call to persevere. hopefully everyone does so too. only one can shape his own destiny, right?

the weekends were.. restless. so much thoughts and empty promises and my grandfather fell down and now he wears a sling on his right arm and there are bruises on his face.

but what hurts me the most is that he always has to ask my aunt what happened to him because he cannot remember and during our dinner to celebrate luke and daniel's birthday he lost his balance and fell again.

i hate not being able to show care towards him, i hate not knowing what to do. i hate not knowing how to talk to him and ask him if he's okay. i hate that time has already flipped this chapter to the end page, when i'm still holding on to the first. i hate how old people have to suffer and i know that it's time's fault, it waits for no man and shit, but it's hard to deal with its repercussions sometimes.

i know my grandfather is so damn strong and a tad stubborn because he yearns to be independent, at this age. i just wish he doesn't have to suffer this much. i'm so afraid what comes after this can only be more spiralling downwards, pain and remorse and all. i just pray that it's not so soon. how untimely all these would be.

at least he still remembers who we all are.

i can't give up yet. i admire those who are so focused on what they want. glen is a true inspiration, he kinda has always been, but the results further drive in the point.

we're all so tired, but let's press on. 

"Remember, if you're not playing your heart out, someone else is. And when you meet him, he will win."