you sure as hell are not the prisoner of your own thoughts, nor are you letting your happiness depend on another person. not anymore!!!!!!!!!!ffffffffffff

i was just talking to jieshi about veganism and she asked me about how i did it/ what i ate/ how did i feel as a vegan. this is a lifestyle that truly saved me and whilst im wary of trying not to impose myself too harshly on to others, i figured that if i manage to piece my story properly then people will know that im not just a crazy old veggie lady obsessed over anti-inflammatory foods (although that is actually pretty legit)....

ive never wanted to say this but throughout my teenage life, i was inferior to others. at least, i thought i was because my thoughts had governed my life and the way i looked at it. so i was diagnosed w thyroidism at 14. that wasnt a huge problem. the huge problem was the relationship i had with food after the diagnosis. the doctor put me on hypothyroidism treatment- basically slowing down my metabolism and in other words, i could gain weight easily. after a few thoughts about my diet, i was convinced that i would never get fat because i exercised and trained like hek. i broke out quite a lot and believe you me, but the effects of white/blackheads was emotionally scathing for a 15 year old teenage girl where everyone else was all about ~superficiality and cool kids and skinny~ 

fast food, snacks, chocolate -> bad skin -> inferiority -> dependency on friends -> eternal discontent

i thrusted my happiness onto the shoulders of my close friends. in retrospect i realized i was never happy because i had placed expectations on people w/o actually telling them what i wanted???? i think i must have caused hurt. i was hurting and that was hurting others. i remembered i wanted friends to be integral to my life that i neglected my family. i got into this huge argument with my brother and he called me the worst ugly sister and that honestly killed my soul but that was 15 year old me who had an ego as fragile as an eggshell and yknow puberty, hormones and the like. i had arguments with my family, i had cold wars. i dont talk about my problems bc being the eldest, i reasoned out that mature siblings cant have problems bc that showed weakness. this vicious cycle of self-hurt -> hurting others -> placing expectations.... goddarnit i was so so tired last time. 

my relationship with food was an outward reaction stemmed from what i thought of myself... i think the worst bits were augmented after i did my a levels. maybe it was because my thoughts manifested like wildfire. overthinking, imaginary irrational circumstances play in your head, thinking people hated me for being me, thinking people hated me because of the things i did not do, me wanting to 'prove people wrong' because isnt that what people thought to get that driving force to succeed? 

i had a desire in mind, which was to prove to people that i could lose weight. i was unhappy with what i had, i hated how my thighs rubbed against each other when i ran, i hated how bulky my arms were. i think, everyday, of how anyone could love/appreciate me becos loving myself was impossible in that moment. i was like an empty outer shell of a living body. my soul neglected my body. my soul was desiring what other people had, my soul was wishing to be in the shoes of other people, my soul believed that i would never be happy. thats how i really felt. and i thought that being skinny was the answer. i used the most sensible way to lose the weight- i cut down on my food intake. i rmb how when i was interning, i compared my meal intake w the rest of the others, secretly happy that i was eating the least rice, the least meat or veg. sometimes i had processed cereal and milk for breakfast, some packed biscuits and cheese for lunch, then after school, i'd force myself to work out by running and at dinnertime, - i dont even recall -. i thought i was helping myself but what the hell my life just got worst. i wasnt getting enough nutrients for sure. i felt weak and lethargic which led to my binge eating. that was the start of a tumultuous period of self-discovery, honestly.

it was painful. i remembered stuffing myself with tim tams, downing glasses of milk with oreos, raiding the freezer for chocolates. eating bad foods hurriedly while no one was at home. i had cheese i had reeses i had twisties i ate dead food with zero nutrients and tons of calories because

i was starving 

i was emotionally empty- i wanted people's attention. i wanted my parents to walk in on me and see me causing harm to myself. i wanted to tell them my problems and the hurt i have been feeling all these years. i yearned to tell them the anguish i felt in myself. my parents didnt walk in on me at all. you could see i really was placing irrational unrealistic expectation on others to help me because i felt unable to help myself. this whole episode did not just pile me with a lot more weight than i had started- it caused me to have insane, insane acne which pretty much set me up for a tougher time. i had never felt more disgusted with my life. i wouldnt and couldnt accept myself. whenever i ran at the park, i could sense people looking at me. i cried to myself for a couple nights because i thought that the world cant accept me, the girl with the acne. i unknowingly added fuel to fire by comparing myself to other girls. the girls who were once my friends i saw them as competitors. the girls who started uni and had something to do, events to attend. i worked at a clinic for a period of time and was attending to a patient over the counter and he leaned over the counter wanting to speak to me, then he asked me in a hushed tone whether i had hand foot and mouth disease as he touched his face with his hands. i was so flustered and speechless that i shook my head vigorously and retreated to the dispensary booth where i pretended to be busy because i felt my true fears had been realized. yea working at the clinic was tough. pasted on the walls of the doctor's office were posters of acne treatments and you couldnt believe how many times i compared myself to those. my mom started to get worried for my skin and she did wonderful things for me like bringing me to the skin centre to get antibiotics and signing me up for some thousand dollar laser treatment. at that time i shunned away from the world and was reluctant to see anyone i knew. my life consisted of clinic and home. i cried after everytime my mom helped my place a hot towel to my face in hopes of cleaning the skin. i felt like i was a completely helpless person. my own image of myself had paralysed me into doing anything for myself nor for others. at those times i tried to meet up w my friends i think i was truly forcing myself to put on a facade. i didnt feel like it bc i was truly hurting. it was the feeling of not being able to love yourself which extended on to not being able to be there for others. i remember one night of water works where i was desperate for a solution and this advert started playing automatically. it was about this doctor who claimed that he could cure people with acne without medication whatsoever. the video was believable for me. i felt at that time i needed to clutch at straws in order to survive. in that desperate situation, any solution seemed like a viable solution. i bought that ebook for 37$us and thought to myself, ok i'd better make this ebook worth it for me. it was totally bogus but youd be surprised to know that it kinda opened up a whole new world for me. the doctor was named mike walden and he advocated a diet change to cure acne. it was radical. according to that diet i had to drink lemon water every morning, eat garlic because of its anti inflammatory properties, keep of dairy and wheat products and quite a few other things. 

to put it simply, my life after buying that ebook changed course. i felt it headed in the right direction. that was last year at this time, actually. from oct to dec, i felt ljke i was very much on a roller coaster. i had good days with clean food and i had bad days because i lose confidence of my abilities to pull through. 

i must share that i was prescribed like 4??? tablets of antibiotics a day at my worst period of acne. my mom flustered over asking my dermatologist to provide me more tablets because i was going to australia she constantly reminded me to go for the laser treatments. 

i came to australia with 

this much medication (i am surprised i cleared customs)- it has been a long seven months and i still have *the abovementioned* amount of tablets with me. 

i stopped my antibiotics because despite going against my mom's beliefs, i was fixated with the plant based diet to cure my ills. it was a few months after i motivated myself to have steamed vegetables and raw desserts that i started to see this hint of change. i didnt see it as much but i was thrilled that it seemed to be working. coming to australia, i decided to set my diet in stone. i feel more confident now in the second sem, about what im doing. i feel i have a greater agency to effect change in myself and in others. i dont really know where to start but... after i changed my diet, things started to get a lot better for me. i found a nice spot in my room for clean looking instagram photos to motivate myself and others to sticking to this diet. sometimes i let situations of my life get the better of me, i would stress myself and i must admit that there were a couple of trip-ups last sem with bingeing to make myself fill me up emotionally. i learn each and every day about how to treat my body right with each obstacle and learnt from mistakes. i could now understand that for every binge, there had to be an underlying reason and i set myself to rectify it so that it didnt return. i felt that i could be in control of myself better as i eased into living here. heh, at first i was abashed about sharing my story with others because i was embarrassed of my past and was afraid that others would see me as ->> the disgusting girl who couldnt take care of her body, who was pudgy and inferior <<- but i soon recognized that these were just irrational unhelpful thoughts that did absolutely nothing to benefit me. i shed all my expectations for others so that i could be happier with myself. that meant not hoping that friend A would reply me without me actually asking for it / not being upset ever again if things didnt reach my high expectations. 

i felt that rebuilding my relationship with food somehow weaved in beautifully with how i saw myself as a person. in consuming food that was nourishing, i saw a need for myself to be responsible for my own self. i realize that all throughout my teenage life, i have made far far too much comparisons with my life. i put my opinions below others because often i was afraid of losing them. i gave in to people easily even if it meant that compromised my preferences. honestly i cant even remember having a preference for anything??? but this lifestyle has done a hell lot for me at the point of my life that i thought was a cul-de-sac. sometimes when i binged, i was filled up with emotion and wished my arteries would clog up/ i would be diabetic so it could give me a more legit reason to be healthy. that was one of my moments that i thought i'd reached a dead end. being vegan got me out of that dark period and showed me that i didnt have to starve to be thin. being vegan lifted my restraints on food- i could have any thing i wanted and i wasnt comprimising on my happiness nor my health. being vegan is like being on a lifelong happiness project that i had always wanted to achieve!!!! it has done me so much good that i yearn now for my family to be vegan too so that we can live long and happy. i have so many plans and meal ideas to make for them and isnt this what ive wanted to do all my life?? to make a change in the lives of others. starting first from my family. i decided to fill my mind and being with only positive thoughts. i try to calm myself down when im met with a situation where i felt uncomfortable by looking at the situation from a different perspective. (that helps, a lot!!)

being vegan has rewarded me with something that i have worked hard on. regaining my health. every food documentary i've watched has only cemented my trust i have with natural healing by plants. (read: forks over knives, food inc.) sometimes i feel uncomfortable around my housemates because they offer me something made with sugar/ dairy/ eggs/ wheat- well, i'd just have to handle that better!!!! but i thank them for the acceptance for me and the tolerance towards me lol as i make my morning oats lol or have some vegan thing baking in the oven lol or as i sit at the dining table eating from a container full of peanut butter lolol.

sometimes i look back on the not so smooth experiences i had with my life. i accept all the past selves that i was. in fact, im grateful for them because if not, i wouldnt have stumbled upon my life changing moment. i realize the wonders that not comparing your quality of life to others brings to my quality of life. i honestly have never been more content with where i am right now. my body is not an empty neglected shell anymore because of this. every time i stay true to my values (like sticking to a clean meal/ staying home when going out seemed like a good idea), i feel that there is a lot more respect for myself which is smtg that i never truly did experience before. and i want to just add how integral my housemates have played a part in my journey. we brought to australia something that was uniquely us. stacy and bethea and zhiting really taught me the importance of family and having values that you can stick to. zhiying taught me the importance of a positive being; she is such a surreal-ly cheerful person in every darn situation and it should be respected bcoz i think shes like the 95% percentile on the chart of how happy people can be. peiying has taught me that you yourself can create your own happiness. she can take matters into her own hands and is not afraid of hurting her ego, like i always am. she singlehandedly went down to the fish market to get fresh seafood because she wanted a sushi night for our apartment. (she also skipped lecture that day) i mean, she could have stayed home to study but she chose what she wanted over everything else. i thought it was noteworthy. 

ive started running again and now its not because i want to be thin, but becoz i shouldnt suppress my freedom to experience sydney just bc i "need" to study. i realize now the importance of taking time for myself because thats more beneficial. i was a victim of time as in i was really stingy with it- "i must finish this chapter by this time/ i will study from 12-5 today"

i feel i am a better person because i treat myself better now. i treat myself as a friend not as an enemy/ competitor. i do break out sometimes and i understand that its not because my body rebels against me, but because there is something that needs to be cared for. dis-ease, not disease. 

this picture is awful but that was me like a year ago < i had wanted picture progress to note my journey and im quite glad that noticeable results came with it 

i guess being extremely averse towards inflammatory foods is partly because i cannot bear to be the (left) picture ever again? veganism is something that works

so well for me and thats what my life needs right now (and hopefully forever) 

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

camera roll-in

the wonderful slosh that was today, brilliant in all ways. the cinnamon in these buckwheat/rice flour pancakes complemented the nut butter so well, the meld of flavours made my heart sing

and those caramelized bananas. no wonder bananas taste soooo good glazed. the sweetness just melts out of hot bananas 

a crazy 3.5 hour clean-up resulting in onset of stress and heart palpitations led to this moment: me being in the heart fluttery celebratory mood that lasted for about 10 mins before i headed back to neurophysiology （＾_＾） so thankful for the kind inspector guy and MY HOUSEMATES WERE SUCH ASSHOLES LA THINK I CANNOT PASS RIGHT!!!!?!?! (yall were right bc i was freaking out, i imagined myself being the 1/6 in the house who got the fail grade and got extremely scared. i used copious amounts of disposable cloth to clean my ledge, my table, my mirrors and bathroom *things*)

this is one of my favourite humans in the world, my kind of friend that i know we can talk about from where we left off at any time of our lives. time lags are no problemoez ( ^ω^ ) im so happy for you i could cry sometimes i miss your sarcasm and people might not find you funny but i think its freaking hilarious when you say some sht in a serious tone when its actually humorous thats like sarcasm at a highest level?!!?!! ive been saying hi to you since 2009-2012 cuz youre alw in the same sch w me and thats an awful lot comforting. you deal w my shit bcoz i couldnt handle it on my own and our recent quickie whatsapp convo made me realize how much control we have over our emotions and our lives now. its a huge leap of achievement from the times when we were so closed up with our own emotions. thank you jolene, and aiya you wont see this but i will, in future. the white arrow pokes your nose and thats wut id like to do all my life. i mean i wna annoy you all the time, not just poke your nose mm k

1. my run was amazing. fish market and back

despite the piling stresses, i did not conform to my negative thoughts- i thought i should skip dinner but no i had sweet potato coins and chocolate thereafter (coconut oil, seeds, cacao powder, rice malt syrup)

i thought i wouldnt run bc... "for the sake of time". but f dizzzzzzxzxzx 

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

being fearful of time has never made me more productive!!! now i have listened to some lectures i ought to ketchup on, and im tuning in for the day bc i look fwd to another productive day. 

2. househunting (yet again) stresses me like creeeey but if i do my best, i know i need not worry about anything!!! i have singled out several potential hses w pei. lemme just take it in stride and focus on the now, not the future!!!!! ˊ_>ˋ

3. unintentionally made some fried 'rice' barley for lunch bfr school today. stirred it up w caramelized onions, asparagus, kale and some nori seaweed!!! mmmm, like a deconstructed sushi bowl w coconut oil aftertaste （＾∇＾）

lolcats

hi stacy youre a rocking partner for the proj!!!!! cant ever feel more thankful. let us just win at cscd pls pls pls our 19 hours spent toiling should not go to waste （≧∇≦）

i donut appreciate this photo though 

i read the traffic light choices on what to eat and i got really really worried about my food choices. i love peanut butter to death but i think my housemates were right i am consuming excessive amounts of it. 

fat vegans. i thought choosing a cleaner lifestyle could make me get away from the fat. but even vegans can be fat because of nuts.

i guess it was the phrasing of the book, that made it so terrible that nuts should be shunned. and during lunch i was srsly considering to rid all nuts from my diet. 

part of me says i should eat with intention. if i was stressed avoiding nuts, then my intention of eating them would be to binge and hve a forbidden food. damn it rebecca, just have anything you want. avoiding food will only make your body crave for it, because thats how it works. you should accept it. eat intentionally. dont let yourself be conformed to follow someone else's diet strictly. if you feel happy w where you are then heck, no one should take that away from you. you are your own being and you should treat yourself as how you would treat others. 

these are the few slides that broke me 

i think i might have ate one to many things for lunch today as a result. 

kale chips

veg stir fry

2 ripened pears

2 handfuls of frozen mangoes 

polished my jar of peanut butter

with that, i have succumbed to the temptation of the peanut butter. see, isnt the body ironic! that thing that you want to work against is the same thing that you crave most. think about it. 

my final judgement is to f everything and to eat such that i eat intentionally and safely. 

i was so affected because i was thinking how much of a fat vegan i was; that doing exercise and cardio was all for nought because i love nuts and avocadoes. i forgot to realize that my love for these things was exactly what starting my clean eating in the first place. it led me to the acceptance of cooking stir fry for meals because my taste buds prefer less rich tasting foods. i see change. i sincerely and utterly do. 

i just need to believe in myself more often. believe that i am doing the right thing which im most definitely am. (⌒▽⌒)

1. i usually wouldve beaten myself over not going out w the friends for brunch, so this is a bold step for me- choosing to stay home bc i felt drained of energy from ytd, and making myself a srsly amazing big glass cup of beautimous TEA PARFAIT 

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

i felt terrible about not going to be a good host, but then i realized i cant be a prisoner of my own thoughts and my own expectations. i dont need to force myself to do something i dont want, instead, i have the agency to choose my own path and this morning, it includes staying home for this ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

everyone acts in their own best interest and there's nothing wrong with that. i have acted in my own interest, and theres nothing wrong with that. 

i have to slowly accept and be really, really happy with the choices i make and this is it!!!!!

2. it was nice seeing everyone dress up to the nines yesterday at the dnd; and i got to eat vegetarian thanks to zhits,

and the familiar company made it very much enjoyable （＾ω＾）

i am grateful for the people that stick by me, and the warmness everyone exudes

3. my whatsapp to my aunty made me realize how much love ive yet to give to my family, and the extent to which i held back giving this love. in it, she told me how my cutie 10y/o cousin loved to hang out w his other cousins but doesnt want to say it. this made me think of how much ive missed in all of my cousins' lives. not just him, all 7 of them

but being here in oz, this whole experience has given me life lessons i never had. eg i've learnt to accept myself for my imperfections and to support myself in wtv decisions i make for myself. i made myself go through with my intended plans instead of sabotaging myself, i have learnt to read the labels and avoid foods that harm me- all for self-acceptance. i direly needed this experience and thank god i've finally learned to move on from my past self, bc idk what would happen if i kept hurting myself like that. 

1. it was iglu's evac drill today at 4pm. we intentionally left around 3.30pm because we were evacuating too. evacuating to royal botanic gardens. bethea came along today and the picnic mat was sit-worthy. glad she had room to chill. i ran!!! it was a beautiful route and i felt safe along the water. it is an affluent part of town, like the big houses at coogee beach! it was a quiet path, but calming and serene. i took the kind of breaths that make you know you are alive and living at that moment. the one that sort of fills your lungs up and not before first triggering your olfactory receptors. it detects every mm^3 of air that enters my lungs for unique scents. 

i was aiming for that natural casual picnic mat vibe. this needs to go out more often!!!! 

bethea and i talked about real things, like the future, and what we wanted. it was time well spent with this girl who is driven and strong!! 

2. and with this picture, comes the hashtag: eat with intention. 

how often i eat mindlessly and hurriedly. i notice i get my breaths are light and frantic. eat like you love yourself.

although i am more than blessed to have found something that works for me. something that will last me for the rest of my life. <- i was always afraid of committing to anything long term, but this, i can do!! going veg is ma jammmmm

3.

i figured that stuttering assignment was what i needed to do, and instead of the mindless self-sabotage i put myself through, i shed my fears of time away and got down to business. yes today was good. i had hot tea by my side and my nalgene bottle of water for hydration.

1. my aunt saw my instagram and on an unrelated (or related) note, she sent me a picture of banana bread my cousins and her baked!!!! 

which reminds me- cannot wait for dec and post exams. cafe hopping, going vegan, sydney living with family. my dad cannot wait to try kale chips and i cant wait to see his reaction!!

2. with thanks to stacy, i managed to fit in a run today. "think about it, 5 days from now you wont be feeling the same way you do now." IDK BUT THAT JUST RESONATED IN ME. it was a timely boost of encouragement. and according to her dad, he hates running but feels it's necessary. im trying to psycho myself into loving running.... i guess i do see the beauty of it. i know the main barrier is still the fear of time. nonetheless i'm thankful for my progress so far, it has been well. i know i cannot force myself to run if the purpose of it is torture/punishment for whatever wrong things i eat, or the need to get skinny. i will build my wall as my defence to these things. no wait i think i will boldly confront them. it is only when you confront things head on that the fears fear you. so ive got a stuttering assignment to properly vet and neaten up. i know this is important to me so i cannot let my side thoughts run. i have to do it asap!!! （＾∇＾）

3. it's interesting because today i had a teratology lecture- birth defects caused by taking drugs. i found myself unable to concentrate on the content because i felt (very) riled up about the hurt that pharma drugs do to people. drugs obliterate the one symptom you are suffering, and ironically take away the rest of the health that you have. i watched "forks over knives" and patients that were thought to be uncurable, who went through 5 coronary bypasses saw their tumours stop growing. one patient was even told that since nothing could be done, she should just wait for death. but the power of sticking to a plant-based diet- that renewed her, and all of the other patients. the walls of the arteries had healed. contrast this to first the cruelty caused to animals to create evidence for drug production, and then people's trust that drugs will help them because they trust science too...

idk. i think some good came out on this lecture. the knowledge of birth defects caused by drugs reinforced the fact that 

GOOD JOB REB you didnt hate on yourself for not doing 20 minutes of yoga today because you understood your body's needs and if you were feeling tired, then you would need to sleep earlier. 

if the whole body is in unanimous agreement with what you are currently doing, then it is definitely a good thing and you wont feel terrible and it helps you respect your decisions better and makes you have less regrets and be less harsh on yourself. 

i confess, im very much into outrightly talking to myself right now.!!! it helps me rationalize out my thoughts and restrain it from veering towards the critical side. helps me keep in check and makes sure i am talking to myself as if i am a friend not an enemy. (⌒-⌒ )

i feel this is really important for me. im shedding off whatever competitive thoughts i have with the world. all the stresses. and just focus on my needs. on what i have to do in the current moment.

the result is pretty amazing actually. despite not touching my stuttering assignment as i would have liked, i did get my head around embryology which had a lecture that mind-boggled me. i found time to watch 'forks over knives', a documentary that advocates a plant-based whole foods diet. a truly life-changing show. 

and i also had a lot of raw carrot cakes!! in fact i polished an entire batch, i had it with organic roasted almond butter the taste was aaaaaaaamzng 

1. abandoned my worthless negative thoughts which do nothing but suppress me. i let myself go.

i took a bus down to coogee beach, and took in this amazing sight. 

(^o^)/

i ve had love / hate r/s with running but after knowing the greatness that it brings, ive decided to prioritize that instead of my fears that it is time wasted. bc its most definitely not!! it has opened up my world. i can breathe fresh air, feel the salt water wind in my face, feel the ground beneath my thin soled shoes. 

it's all good, all good. 

2. 

running gave me a reason to come back home, melt some coconut oil, mix it with cacao powder and drizzle it over the popsicles that i stashed in the freezer 2 hours before.

3. i am focusing more on my present self. not my past. not what i should be doing like 4 hours from now. last sem, it was just a crazy burden rly. comparisons weighed me down but now i feel that doing things according to what i really need makes me even more productive.

productivity was what i sought last semester, but the stresses on making sure i was up to par with my expectations made me so exhausted. i slept a lot and i would get upset. and i would 'punish' by pushing myself to study even harder. if i was hungry, i punished myself by not eating and the result of that was mindless noshing on whatever things i had in my room. i now know that hunger is a natural feeling. it is your body's way of telling you it has used up its nutrients and needs nourishment. i need to listen to that more, because my body is what i must take care of- no one else can do it for me.

i was hungry just now, despite- or because i slept for 4 hours (wasnt intended, sh*t!!!!!). i would've either continued sleeping even if i didnt need to so i could wake up at a weird time to study again, or ate mindlessly the rice cakes and pb i had in my room. 

BUT I DIDNT THIS TIME. I DIDNT!!!!!!! bc screw punishment, i made myself some roasted kale, asparagus and avocados and had myself a happy meal despite the fact i didnt meet my expectations. more often than not, i havent been treating my body as a friend. i have always learnt to train it as if it were an animal. but if you take a step back and think, then wonder to yourself- what are you training for? what is it doing to your primal body in the process?

your mind is the master which either works to sustain and nourish what strength your body has, or tear it down bit by bit. i would forget that modern day stresses are really burdensome for the body to handle. focusing your orbital muscles on small handheld screens. repetitive motions of your fingers against a keyboard.

motion sickness because of the vehicle you are in. -i digress-

my psych lecturer has told us smtg that has stuck with me throughout 2 semesters- the stresses in our world is doing that onto us what big scary human hands do to rats. we think we are the masters of the world but i think we need to be taken care of not by technology but by the super simplistic life of our ancestors, that life without technology

i am prolly anti-tech now and furevz 

i swear i wrote this rather passionate post about my life right now.... and it is wiped out 

。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。

for now i have new gratitudes to jot down:

1. learning that meditation is a way to make your big thoughts seem like just a speck. it clears your mind and makes your problems seem less than what they really are. what are worries? look how small they are compared to things in life. you dont remember the time you slogged your guts out for a levels. all you took away were the friends that stayed with you throughout this time. you dont remember how terrible you felt when you thought the world was against you. because over time, worries dissolve into nothing. and what other way to rid it from your life quickly than to meditate 

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

2. how has living with five other girls changed me?

we thought we wouldnt last through all the months without a single fight, but we did. 

living. it's different from meeting briefly in school. when you live with someone other than your family, you will no doubt feel exhausted. you'll need space away from them some times and they accomodate that. each of them expresses their love in a completely different way. some show it outwardly and give generously. hugs are free and concerns and cares for you are endless. others show it through quiet actions. they will not show it but once you notice it, it's really a good kind of love to receive. me being me... i had to adjust my mind to slight frictions i have. to put it bluntly, i had my own perspectives and i couldnt see what perspectives others had. i was egocentric because who i was before this was a completely broken person who was afraid to put herself and her opinions out there. she had no self-worth, she couldnt defend herself even if she'd tried. she would give in.

but in this very apartment, i learnt how the other girls loved. it was a great kind of love. i see everyday how important family is to them. i see the hierarchy of priorities that they have. and they stand firm with what they believe in. most importantly, through them, i learn how to put more trust in what i believe in and to stand by my own ground.

bethea is self-sacrificial. seeing her give so much to others makes my heart ache because i never do put my whole heart out like that. she buys things for people for no reason at all. she spends time with the people she treasures most with her life and the risk of loss doesnt affect her one bit. she really gives her everything.

stacy's relationship with her family is so so admirable. being unworthy and broken was the only thing i did throughout my teenage years. i was foolishly caught up with my own problems. i intentionally distanced myself away from aaron and ericca because i was just really unhappy with myself as a person. and thinking back, i ask myself why tf.... anyway, it's a beautiful relationship stacy has with her family. she would use up 100gb of internet (literally) to skype with them everyday. she loves her sisters to the depths of her soul. she looks out for her parents and they in turn look out for her too. she guards her loved ones fiercely and would gladly sacrifice all that she has to them. i love to listen to her talk about her family because you just know they take up such a huge proportion of her life. she loves and loves to the best she can. just check out her instagram and shes adamant about only following a very exclusive group of close close friends. (i'm glad to be one of them because stacy idk how i'd live without you)!! shes the girl who has set priorities and sets them extremely well. i remember a conversation i had with her, when i asked her "stacy, being so disciplined and taking care of everyone- do you feel like you ever lose your self-control, every once in a while" and she replies "no i dont have to, i've been doing this all my life" 

peiying- she is one of the real-est people i have ever known. she has been through hardships in life and has emerged unbroken after every fight. she has learnt something from whatever obstacle life brings her. instead of wallowing in any form of self-pity, she takes every thing as a learning opportunity (if i were to put it clichely). looking deeper, you will know she is a girl who knows her values and keeps to it. one thing i love about her is that shes honest. honesty is a value hard to find. even i know i'm not very honest because honestly clashes with politically correctness. i say things to please because i am insecure and need the acceptance of others, but peiying is honest to you which makes her opinions valuable. she has always got something interesting to bring to the table. and 

on a side note, shes dayum punny and cheapo. 

shes mad crazy generous and bakes cakes like nobody's business and gives it to us and i appreciate her gesture. her selflessness is admirable. and recently, i also enjoy discussing some points about christianity with her. i felt i was able to get my opinions out about it and it was interesting to know what she also thought. and if she likes someone, she is not afraid to say it. it's really brave props to her omg. 

both peiying and zhiting run. and they run like freaking gazelles. i think they have gazelle limbs.

i am not a gazelle-limbed human and knowing what gives them motivation to run also gets me on my toes. if i were to see things positively, i would say that running was not my forte at the beginning, but after zhiting said how it burns lots of calories and it gives you a runner's high, i knew that as a gesture of contributing to my self-worth, that i had to give it a go. to help me de-stress from my life, get some fresh air and just explore this city that i will not be experiencing for that long. oh and embracing this gloriously fine weather. i do feel happier and at ease with myself. i do feel more accepting of my body. i definitely feel i packed a lot in a day if one of my check list includes running. 

1. against all negative thoughts and worries of wasting time / i woke up late, i cant jog anymore / i have tons of things to complete <-;

i ran. i ran and breathed in the fresh botanical gardens air (and now i'm on a quick bus home)

i ran past wynyard where we stayed in the spring of sept2013

i ran up that steep slope i walked on last year. we were so hungry and we were scouraging for a food source but there wasnt any open for the weekend because it's in the cbd 

i ran.!!! (￣▽￣)

2. 

1. my printer performed great today, without a single hiccup when i needed it most. i proclaimed my love for it because if you talk to inanimate objects it somehow receives the positive vibes (i'm just thinking of the green bean experiment whereby encouragement helps it grow more) ya idrkrn

2. started out thinking i overslept for school (i had not cooked my packed lunch) but found out a few minutes later that i didn't need to pack lunch bcos of the cancelled afternoon lecture. AAAAAAAAAYYYYYY happiness

3. slept in the afternoon with swirls of bad clouds and thoughts of neglect and abandonment and wilted friendships but woke up again doing what i set out to do for today. if you look from a third person point of view at yourself having bad thoughts, what do you actually see? nothing much really. nothing ever gets out, just, on the inside, you're breaking yourself up bit by bit. you're letting your unfounded fears disintegrate the very core of you.
what is supposed to be a home for your soul is now a battleground of emotions. which is not going to be good for yourself one bit.
drop the thoughts
drop the worries
literally, live in the moment
set up a plan
talk yourself through it
do what you can with what you have, where you are.

1. i was hoping today would be a fun day, and it was ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

fweeet hot housemates aflyin' with mesmerizing art pieces (with more mesmerizing appetizers) 

do what you want to do and the universe conspires to produce what you want.

i think that is true of stacy and her works. getting featured for an art exhibition is no mean feat. yknow im proud of you stacy!!!

2. failed one of those stuttering barrier tasks but passed it along with zhits peiy and bethea but we passed it and it was a great experience overall rly （＾ω＾）

3. ate some cake i know my body doesnt handle refined sugar much

but i managed to climb back up and just start again. its no point getting stuck in the bottomless pit. 

i always feel compelled to do tests on myself, to see how long i can handle it. i got back up this time and am more resolved

the moments of giving in to the foods that i have been trying to avoid have been really really sparse now. and im grateful for that. that ive come this far. that for me it shouldnt be a game anymore. no one plays around with their health. my throat hurt and my stomach felt bloated and i felt extremely lethargic and anxious. sh*t it feels sh*t to treat yourself like a waste dump. 

it feels bad to let your mind water down your good thoughts 

(ive been trying to plant my thoughts with better ones. ones worthy to be put in a vase; slow and steady though. bit by bit. it helps.)

1. post run/ walk + yoga stretchies feelzzZZZzzz paired with a smashing dinner roast again. fresh raw avocado goes dang well with hot veg, but AVOCADO FRIES ♥️ ayyyyy my first batch ever and its just the best thing (they harden on the outside but still is soft n creamy on the inside) 

veggie serial killer but for the sake of the animals of the wurld!!! 

2. found yet another perf quote; 

（＾∇＾） "two broken halves dont make a complete whole" and realizing that makes everything great

3. today i woke up realizing i have a shizload to do but i felt strangely calm| 

focusing on one thing at a time helps a ton. i learn that time does wait for you. i have all the time in the world and its up to me to spend it wisely to tackle things a little at a time. time is interesting. 

1. a two hour lecture on embryology got cancelled and lemme tell you we waited in the lecture for 15 mins; when the lady broke the good news there were literally papers and pens flying up and unanimous cheers （＾∇＾）

this is a really good bolster for the agony of day 1 post-spring-break and good vibes were flaaaaain'!!! we promised to play more cranium the board game and that will happen tomorrow or the day after 

2. did yoga amidst the tiredness and worry. the slow breathing helped a ton and now i feel good. havent completed my tutorial yet for tomorrow which is my big worry, not have i read through the notes of the first lecture. but i feel okay. nothing stifles me nothing is a stress factor that invades my immunity. thats something to be grateful of considering how much of an ol' worry wort i am 

3. i cant share my food bcos i am a selfish shiatsu but i left 2 vegan banana dessert cups for the housemates hahahaha im grateful bcos food used to be my top priority and i always put my hunger over all else but now i learnt to let go. making others happy to make yourself happy. i could have been sneaky and ate all the dang cups myself and *forget* to leave some for em, but in what seems like the first in ages, i did what i wanted to do. (^ー゜)

treat yourself like you would others. like a friend

love yourself because no one can do it for you if you dont do it yourself first. 

"the grass is always greener on the other side". how about not caring about the other side and

start to make your own grass greener?

1. nice smelling blanket (est 2010) err night + cat pants + early mornings 

2. inspiring quotes hurhurhurhur everyday i will open insta in the morning for a quick scroll through

3. the ache in the sides of my legs are always impinging on my ability to run esp up-slope. but that happiness with endorphin release and just the positive vibes of the wind, sun and my problems dissipating kinda makes running worth it. and i vow to keep it a regularity in my life (bc it burns more cals than yoga woops woops) (still luv yoga tho)

springy cadences

1. to be able to get my vit Ds in an astoundingly beautiful place. beaches are all i ever want to spend my days in rn (plus having the most gorg brownie i have ever tasted in my young life from bondi wholefoods for a steal $4.50!!!)

2. 

makes me excited to detox and drink oolong and brew myself a pot x 3 a day. all that makes me feel like i am in control of something important in my life, health. :-)

3. 

i'm hella excited i have something as exciting as *Spring Break* to spend my time on and ^ time on manly beach in our bikinis with these kickass girlies made us braver and er ya just braver but colder. what an experience thoooooOOOooo 

three gratitudez

1. to be able to treat myself right to a steaming hot bowl of veggies for breakfast instead of going the overly sweet route of banana oats. throughout my health journey i have always depended on oats for sustenance. i thought that veggies were ick and that i wud have to reach a pretty high level of healthiness to actually be having veg AND TODAY I DID!!!!!!!111 and most importantly, i liked it and it kept me full for three hours which is insane cus oats keep me satiated for ~two

kale chips for crisp, quinoa for crunch and brocs and caulis for the green tastiness

2. 

more crazy lovely clean things for my soul and little talks with cheryl which i havent done for ages 

3. not being stressed about finishing work yet managing to accomplish a few worksheets on audiology after a literal week's hiatus. 

yikes, so much has happened since i last posted. 

yesterday i saw bren's pm, she shared a link about happiness (which is just abt my favrit topic of ALL TIME im insanely fascinated by it) and writing down 3 things you are grateful for each day keeps your mind focused on te good things. happiness deserves to be brought upon yourself and you shouldnt depend on any other!!! -me right now-