i swear i wrote this rather passionate post about my life right now.... and it is wiped out 

。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。

for now i have new gratitudes to jot down:

1. learning that meditation is a way to make your big thoughts seem like just a speck. it clears your mind and makes your problems seem less than what they really are. what are worries? look how small they are compared to things in life. you dont remember the time you slogged your guts out for a levels. all you took away were the friends that stayed with you throughout this time. you dont remember how terrible you felt when you thought the world was against you. because over time, worries dissolve into nothing. and what other way to rid it from your life quickly than to meditate 

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

2. how has living with five other girls changed me?

we thought we wouldnt last through all the months without a single fight, but we did. 

living. it's different from meeting briefly in school. when you live with someone other than your family, you will no doubt feel exhausted. you'll need space away from them some times and they accomodate that. each of them expresses their love in a completely different way. some show it outwardly and give generously. hugs are free and concerns and cares for you are endless. others show it through quiet actions. they will not show it but once you notice it, it's really a good kind of love to receive. me being me... i had to adjust my mind to slight frictions i have. to put it bluntly, i had my own perspectives and i couldnt see what perspectives others had. i was egocentric because who i was before this was a completely broken person who was afraid to put herself and her opinions out there. she had no self-worth, she couldnt defend herself even if she'd tried. she would give in.

but in this very apartment, i learnt how the other girls loved. it was a great kind of love. i see everyday how important family is to them. i see the hierarchy of priorities that they have. and they stand firm with what they believe in. most importantly, through them, i learn how to put more trust in what i believe in and to stand by my own ground.

bethea is self-sacrificial. seeing her give so much to others makes my heart ache because i never do put my whole heart out like that. she buys things for people for no reason at all. she spends time with the people she treasures most with her life and the risk of loss doesnt affect her one bit. she really gives her everything.

stacy's relationship with her family is so so admirable. being unworthy and broken was the only thing i did throughout my teenage years. i was foolishly caught up with my own problems. i intentionally distanced myself away from aaron and ericca because i was just really unhappy with myself as a person. and thinking back, i ask myself why tf.... anyway, it's a beautiful relationship stacy has with her family. she would use up 100gb of internet (literally) to skype with them everyday. she loves her sisters to the depths of her soul. she looks out for her parents and they in turn look out for her too. she guards her loved ones fiercely and would gladly sacrifice all that she has to them. i love to listen to her talk about her family because you just know they take up such a huge proportion of her life. she loves and loves to the best she can. just check out her instagram and shes adamant about only following a very exclusive group of close close friends. (i'm glad to be one of them because stacy idk how i'd live without you)!! shes the girl who has set priorities and sets them extremely well. i remember a conversation i had with her, when i asked her "stacy, being so disciplined and taking care of everyone- do you feel like you ever lose your self-control, every once in a while" and she replies "no i dont have to, i've been doing this all my life" 

peiying- she is one of the real-est people i have ever known. she has been through hardships in life and has emerged unbroken after every fight. she has learnt something from whatever obstacle life brings her. instead of wallowing in any form of self-pity, she takes every thing as a learning opportunity (if i were to put it clichely). looking deeper, you will know she is a girl who knows her values and keeps to it. one thing i love about her is that shes honest. honesty is a value hard to find. even i know i'm not very honest because honestly clashes with politically correctness. i say things to please because i am insecure and need the acceptance of others, but peiying is honest to you which makes her opinions valuable. she has always got something interesting to bring to the table. and 

on a side note, shes dayum punny and cheapo. 

shes mad crazy generous and bakes cakes like nobody's business and gives it to us and i appreciate her gesture. her selflessness is admirable. and recently, i also enjoy discussing some points about christianity with her. i felt i was able to get my opinions out about it and it was interesting to know what she also thought. and if she likes someone, she is not afraid to say it. it's really brave props to her omg. 

both peiying and zhiting run. and they run like freaking gazelles. i think they have gazelle limbs.

i am not a gazelle-limbed human and knowing what gives them motivation to run also gets me on my toes. if i were to see things positively, i would say that running was not my forte at the beginning, but after zhiting said how it burns lots of calories and it gives you a runner's high, i knew that as a gesture of contributing to my self-worth, that i had to give it a go. to help me de-stress from my life, get some fresh air and just explore this city that i will not be experiencing for that long. oh and embracing this gloriously fine weather. i do feel happier and at ease with myself. i do feel more accepting of my body. i definitely feel i packed a lot in a day if one of my check list includes running.