DearGod I rly don't know how to understand myself. Friday's coming (on the bright side!!!!!) but that kind of means another week of brain wars has resulted in yet another wk wasted bc I can't accomplish anything substantial like post June plans and what not?? Been trying out a healthy meal plan too before the vicious cycle of over-thinking then bingeing on crap sets me once again right back up to square One. Or maybe square negative seven idk.
Apart from loath-able lamentations, I am *finally* beginning to have good r/s with my co-workers (subjective) & beginning to empathize w their plight which is kind of an accomplishment for me!! For most of the internship I have shied away from such opportunities maybe bc of the nagging fear of interns being the less superior bunch? There are rly, some really dedicated interns that I know of who truly inspire me- being self-sacrificial and going all out for the kids. Maybe I'll be like that one day. Pluck out a morsel of courage and throw myself into the job.
Only one more month.
It's a terrifying thought.
Terrifying bc time once again has reared its unpleasant head at me. It seems so recent, the time when I once dreaded taking the bus over to the foreign district. Cursing my luck, not cooperating w anyone. I had read this in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; I fit squarely in the 'reactive' column. Reactive people take things in their stride. Too afraid to get out of the status quo, to make a change, take a risk.
It's the awareness that I have, of me being in this group yet not doing anything to change it, that makes me regret my actions. All of my actions.
Change is within myself. Hopefully I can find it soon and wedge it out. Meanwhile idk if I should be confiding in my momma about the pathetic food situation which I am tackling. It's taking a toll on me??????? I'm so confused.
"The reason why we got accepted is b/c we all have a little bit of A* in us." - quoted QX quoting somebody else.
(*A is for autism)
That served quite a punch to my hypothalamus. And a long-lasting, impressionable punch, at that. Each day of looking over the kids here makes me think how similar I am to them. Or maybe becoz of the constant exposure that leads me to believe I'm actually heavily influenced by their actions and responses. For instance, how we all long for a constant in our lives. How, to lead a comfortable life, nothing should ever change, and if they do, we'd get all upset and fidgety about it especially if the change is a negative one. Yup, that would be my relationship with change as well. Only difference being I show less outright emotion I guess? Sometimes I wish a wail or an outburst can get me what I want though ha ha ha
On a different note,
Each and every day I get constantly amused at how pure they are. In class, classmates actually cheer and clap for their peers if they have answered a class question well or if a kid scored well in his test// they'd whisper the answers to their partners if the latter gets stuck in answering a tough question from teacher// during recess, kids from all classes play together without much concern over the social status of their playmates, everyone just melds together and the scene just portrays childhood utopia// kids from classes I have never or rarely supported come up to me and thank me for helping them in their math questions or just strike up a conversation as if we'd been friends for years.
I also undeniably savour YFA time tgt w my tracksters. Discussing every lunchtime without fail the daily happenings and important highlights of our day, gushing (subjective) over the adorable actions of some kids, lamenting about tragedies that inadvertently fall upon our shoulders at other times. University & scholarship application discussions with some of the most dedicated people I've met. Secret surprises & special occasions. Excited-ness if we ever support the same class at the same time. Happy meal days
Although this takes up more than half of my day And almost idk, 70% of my week?? I'm grateful for the many opportunities it has shown me- the dedication of special Ed teachers and all the behind-the-scenes action of everyday life + so much gossip sometimes I think it's illegal or smth haha
And so much care and affection for the kids young or old.
Taking the vantage point of an outsider, I'd like to think of autism as a rly diverse (disorder?).... trait. I mean, the words they speak, the truthfulness in their sentences; they're starkly different from 'normal' dudes. It's not a bad thing. Just that it might be a different case from what their parent or caregiver might experience- it might be awfully taxing on them. Which is sad :< there are some moments, when I first started out, when I felt awkward or hapless when my words fall on deaf ears, or when my instructions do not get across to them. It's like a black hole in the galaxy of communication- your words gets sucked in to it, never to return again, probably mindlessly absorbed into their grey matter and that's the end of the story. I read this book that describes autistic kids being 'glassy eyed' and stuck in their own world, and for the extreme cases, being 'thought of as possessed', maybe bcoz of their unusual habits and what nots. These are frightening because the book is a recent one. I mean, I'd think people would be less superstitious and more rational in their thinking in modern times like these??
.....
My ten cents' worth bfr I wake up to Friday, wonderful beautiful Friday!!!
My kid takes every available opportunity to make sure I can hear him... passing gas. And the way he looks at me, as if trying to get a huge response out of me, is just ughhhh x millions infuriating.
I tackle him w reverse psych now
Good night and thx for listening
