Eating okay-ly then offsetting all the healthiness by bingeing on junk food displayed publicly on the coffee table. Idk what to call it; impulse or abuse or both but either way it really irks me
I don't feel like I'm doing/ have done anything right today honestly. I felt like I shouldn't have gone to school today
Like I shouldn't think about the team if I didn't meet Ket, but-.
Shouldn't have known about a distant someone's passing. & if it would soon hit hard at me which I can't bear to deal with now. And I stupidly wore the half u, just being rly glad I'm seriously out of it
Tues • Thurs
I need time but doesn't everybody
And hweems was hurt again
So I think our lives are somewhat receiving a common signal from the parallel world
Same emotions and all
My feet hurt when I walk about in class then I'd be such a slacker if I sit down during lesson time
Tired of answering tough qns from kids sorry
(Idk what they learn in secondary sch history lessons) (idk what is radioactivity) (idk about outer space but I'll try to search for you)
And having a good impression of person A being completely and utterly shattered like you're living an illusion your whole entire life is super duperrrrrrr shockinggggggggg
But poor thing Jo bought two denim jackets and bren has to wear sexy Chinese oriental outfit for work
I wna be flying all day everyday so I can visit her ✈✈✈✈✈
Bad move Rebecca you got off early from work for one day and look what an emotional tangle you're in now
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Growing up
School really doesn't prepare us for the life up ahead. In school there's only one criterion; ace everything. But in life, to build strong unfailing relationships, perseverance to rise after a fall, lots of tolerance, social responsibility.
Mainly a heck load of responsibilities.
Ok but true that to ace everything, there's always the little pocket of good traits that we must have, like perseverance.
Idk the point to this post but hi
Mainly a heck load of responsibilities.
Ok but true that to ace everything, there's always the little pocket of good traits that we must have, like perseverance.
Idk the point to this post but hi
Friday, January 25, 2013
You're fired
Thankfully these few days / weeks have passed by such that I worry more about my students than anything else. I can finally wake up with a lighter heart and not dread stepping into bishan int at exactly 6.45. I would rather this than anything else right now
Today I learnt of a slightly disappointing nugget of info; social status is ubiquitous wherever there are human beings and it happens no matter how many days have passed on this earth. I didn't know the class would deliberately taunt Boy A, saying things that are not directly hurtful, but chanting things that would make him personally upset. I know I have in my possession the authority to stop this, but the ironic thing is that the others are perfect model students in class, and just so happens that Boy A is the opposite of that. He can't help himself
I was having my dried and wrinkly food when Boy A sat beside me and said he wanted to 'fire' Boy B from being a friend because B didn't show his drawings to A. He said it with anger and hatred at first, his voice reflected the pent up frustrations in the depths of his heart and I understood. I didn't take it seriously because I had a feeling this was merely a phase of his and it would pass.
Then he punched his fists against the table and buried his face in his arms, exclaiming some words I couldn't pick out. He teared and said he was lonely because nobody wanted to sit with him and that really shattered me.
I think I had the old immature way of thinking, but it didn't strike me at all that someone whom I've never seen having a close group of friends would lament that they were lonely and needed somebody to be there for them. I told him I was there with him, sitting with him now. And before his eyes could lose it's shine from the tears, he said he was going to sit with Boy C, a random classmate who had been sitting alone at another table.
My class kids still intrigue me w their idiosyncrasies. Every one of them is just so vastly different in their personality and mannerisms. I cannot channel anger at them if they're not focusing in class because they won't pull up their socks and resolve to work harder next time. And a little part of me withers when I try to strike up a conversation w them but they don't give off the same level of enthusiasm as I, etc. I shouldn't feel that way. Always making the same mental note; don't be inflamed w emotions with Sandalwood.
I love all of them in my class, regrettably some more than others. I talk to the naughtier, more restless ones more because of the copious amounts of prompting that happen within the classroom and I must say they really make my day there a whole lot more challenging yet wholesome.
Back to the topic; I've tried reassuring Boy A to tell me if the others are bullying him again or making him uncomfortable and that I'd do something about it. But my words fall on uninterested ears once again.
Today I learnt of a slightly disappointing nugget of info; social status is ubiquitous wherever there are human beings and it happens no matter how many days have passed on this earth. I didn't know the class would deliberately taunt Boy A, saying things that are not directly hurtful, but chanting things that would make him personally upset. I know I have in my possession the authority to stop this, but the ironic thing is that the others are perfect model students in class, and just so happens that Boy A is the opposite of that. He can't help himself
I was having my dried and wrinkly food when Boy A sat beside me and said he wanted to 'fire' Boy B from being a friend because B didn't show his drawings to A. He said it with anger and hatred at first, his voice reflected the pent up frustrations in the depths of his heart and I understood. I didn't take it seriously because I had a feeling this was merely a phase of his and it would pass.
Then he punched his fists against the table and buried his face in his arms, exclaiming some words I couldn't pick out. He teared and said he was lonely because nobody wanted to sit with him and that really shattered me.
I think I had the old immature way of thinking, but it didn't strike me at all that someone whom I've never seen having a close group of friends would lament that they were lonely and needed somebody to be there for them. I told him I was there with him, sitting with him now. And before his eyes could lose it's shine from the tears, he said he was going to sit with Boy C, a random classmate who had been sitting alone at another table.
My class kids still intrigue me w their idiosyncrasies. Every one of them is just so vastly different in their personality and mannerisms. I cannot channel anger at them if they're not focusing in class because they won't pull up their socks and resolve to work harder next time. And a little part of me withers when I try to strike up a conversation w them but they don't give off the same level of enthusiasm as I, etc. I shouldn't feel that way. Always making the same mental note; don't be inflamed w emotions with Sandalwood.
I love all of them in my class, regrettably some more than others. I talk to the naughtier, more restless ones more because of the copious amounts of prompting that happen within the classroom and I must say they really make my day there a whole lot more challenging yet wholesome.
Back to the topic; I've tried reassuring Boy A to tell me if the others are bullying him again or making him uncomfortable and that I'd do something about it. But my words fall on uninterested ears once again.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
anew
It feels humbling to know that people humble themselves and care not so much for their self worth but of their friendships instead. Luckily I happen to know one of those people; hopefully throughout the course of this life, things will get better..?
Happy birthday Paige!!
• table manners was really cute and we were talking about timbre when I heard live music playing from outside the cafe when we walked out; amazing how changi city point manages to fit cool things into one accessible area
• best unhealthy food ever for the week, hands down (and a hefty price but it was worth everything), brownie + ice cream being the most gorgeous sinful thing ever
Was it last year that we last met up? But whatever it is, you've been really great friend be it in primary school, noobish sec 2 days or the transient JC period
Nineteen ; here's to determination, no procrastination, reduced k dramas and reduced weight gain, and for dreams to turn into reality
xx
Happy birthday Paige!!
• table manners was really cute and we were talking about timbre when I heard live music playing from outside the cafe when we walked out; amazing how changi city point manages to fit cool things into one accessible area
• best unhealthy food ever for the week, hands down (and a hefty price but it was worth everything), brownie + ice cream being the most gorgeous sinful thing ever
Was it last year that we last met up? But whatever it is, you've been really great friend be it in primary school, noobish sec 2 days or the transient JC period
Nineteen ; here's to determination, no procrastination, reduced k dramas and reduced weight gain, and for dreams to turn into reality
xx
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Healthy food starts here / late nights stop
Cheap tricks amused us today;
21 Jan Happy Birthday Paige
22 Jan Happy Birthday Aerilynn
Ok latest I've ever slept!!!
Today Student A spontaneously went in front of the class to do his cha-cha when the English teacher asked them what rock and roll was; and the smile and good-natured, young enthusiasm really placed a smile on my face
Student B figured out place values for Math and when he found out he had the right answer, so did the rest of the class who cheered for him. He too pumped his fist into the air and might I add he has a china accent so +10 for cuteness
One moment I feel like I'm spending lots and the next moment it seems like I'm really not
21 Jan Happy Birthday Paige
22 Jan Happy Birthday Aerilynn
Ok latest I've ever slept!!!
Today Student A spontaneously went in front of the class to do his cha-cha when the English teacher asked them what rock and roll was; and the smile and good-natured, young enthusiasm really placed a smile on my face
Student B figured out place values for Math and when he found out he had the right answer, so did the rest of the class who cheered for him. He too pumped his fist into the air and might I add he has a china accent so +10 for cuteness
One moment I feel like I'm spending lots and the next moment it seems like I'm really not
Friday, January 18, 2013
/another friday/
It's like I'm shunning all opportunities to be happy. Or is that just me all the time?
So in an climatic turn of events, teacher becomes nice and unexaggeratedly life takes a turn for the better, nothing like what I'd felt just a week ago. Thanks though for everyone who cared. ❤
I feel like now I can see what I wake up for even though it's crazy early. Ellie Goulding and Coldplay keep my mind off the stressful things, though. And hopefully hopefully gym sessions w hweem works out!! (Pun intended)
I'm going to figure some shit out. And get some shut eye ASAP. To go for huge risk of specializing or go to the safer road of taking general degree?? All I know is that I want to help people haha as if that isn't vague enough. Then again it's true what H said, that life would suck if you spent it all researching and at the end of it all you've discovered nothing. I need to help the kids. Yet I don't want my heart to be hardened by many many years of conformity and begin to get impatient with them and treating them like they're rid of their mental disabilities. I think they deserve more??? There must be somethingggggggg
Other than dreaming of becoming an American Idol judge or setting up a YouTube account, getting discovered and then be whisked away to Hollywood to open up an act for someone famous. Wtv it is success ain't gonna come easy
......
So in an climatic turn of events, teacher becomes nice and unexaggeratedly life takes a turn for the better, nothing like what I'd felt just a week ago. Thanks though for everyone who cared. ❤
I feel like now I can see what I wake up for even though it's crazy early. Ellie Goulding and Coldplay keep my mind off the stressful things, though. And hopefully hopefully gym sessions w hweem works out!! (Pun intended)
I'm going to figure some shit out. And get some shut eye ASAP. To go for huge risk of specializing or go to the safer road of taking general degree?? All I know is that I want to help people haha as if that isn't vague enough. Then again it's true what H said, that life would suck if you spent it all researching and at the end of it all you've discovered nothing. I need to help the kids. Yet I don't want my heart to be hardened by many many years of conformity and begin to get impatient with them and treating them like they're rid of their mental disabilities. I think they deserve more??? There must be somethingggggggg
Other than dreaming of becoming an American Idol judge or setting up a YouTube account, getting discovered and then be whisked away to Hollywood to open up an act for someone famous. Wtv it is success ain't gonna come easy
......
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Phew
Super relieving to see an almost (key word being almost) 180deg change in personality and it makes the experience 45deg better ☺☺☺
Spontaneous visit to Goon's turf Serangoon and unlocked lotsa memories of JC last night!! And 20% sale at Guardian heeh
Spontaneous visit to Goon's turf Serangoon and unlocked lotsa memories of JC last night!! And 20% sale at Guardian heeh
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Forever food
Marmalade toast with Jes and bren good food saw bio teacher so bad experience hehe oops!!!! Forgotten how to react towards ms Ho coz there's the mix of condescension wink wink and niceness so the result is ambivalence. Typing w/o internal punctuations so remember to breathe ☺
Gotten some good advice from trustworthy people telling me the same thing..... I rly wna just go ahead w it but there's like tons of stuff weighing me down YET I just can't deal w travelling for six months everything feels awful stifling but ahhh idrk.
Upper primary trackies had gotten hold of the entire campus two to ourselves so we were debating what we can do @ an empty campus. We were good and did nothing much except snap shots shots shots. Free lunch, few scoldings constitute a relatively good day I guess. Got to meet Claire briefly as well! /what my life could be hahahaha x many.
Past bed time happy Tuesday
Gotten some good advice from trustworthy people telling me the same thing..... I rly wna just go ahead w it but there's like tons of stuff weighing me down YET I just can't deal w travelling for six months everything feels awful stifling but ahhh idrk.
Upper primary trackies had gotten hold of the entire campus two to ourselves so we were debating what we can do @ an empty campus. We were good and did nothing much except snap shots shots shots. Free lunch, few scoldings constitute a relatively good day I guess. Got to meet Claire briefly as well! /what my life could be hahahaha x many.
Past bed time happy Tuesday
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Onward.
Happy that Aaron has managed to do so much better than me. Admittedly, my mom and I had doubts of his academic ability from the start, thinking he can only qualify for the not Top 5s 'cos he didn't take HMT but he did, in his own way. All roads lead to Rome and I'm so glad he still has many many options. Plus he debuted as a jumper on the SJI website. Sister is also receiving the character award tomorrow. In a family of achievers, I really am driven to make mummy and daddy proud. No more getting bogged down by insecurities, no more faltering faith. I must try my best no matter how shiz the As results turn out. I sorely regret how not studying for Os and (probably) the As turned out for me.
In the Asian family, academics certainly do reign (haha).
Had a celebratory dinner yesterday and I like family meals I think.
Here's to a good 2013 for everyone.
If something good works out at the job, I'll be sure to post. As for now, I really feel like a trapped mouse, but the trackies have really made the hours there much bearable, trying to cheer me up before lunch by seeing me at my worst and telling me cute incidences about their day. And for all those I confided into about my not- so- pleasant experiences. Big grateful thanks to you guys. Unexpectedly, more conversations have been generated between parents and I too as they share their share (heh pun +1) of office politics with this noob child, so thank goodness
In the Asian family, academics certainly do reign (haha).
Had a celebratory dinner yesterday and I like family meals I think.
Here's to a good 2013 for everyone.
If something good works out at the job, I'll be sure to post. As for now, I really feel like a trapped mouse, but the trackies have really made the hours there much bearable, trying to cheer me up before lunch by seeing me at my worst and telling me cute incidences about their day. And for all those I confided into about my not- so- pleasant experiences. Big grateful thanks to you guys. Unexpectedly, more conversations have been generated between parents and I too as they share their share (heh pun +1) of office politics with this noob child, so thank goodness
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
all the sad feels
talking to deonn makes me feel like i'm talking to a potential legend in the arts scene, really. (ahem!!) there must surely be talent hidden within when you can memorise casual conversations/ tv show lines like you're memorizing a script without much effort.
do not doubt your skills people
i rly appreciate daddy + mummy's efforts in trying, just. that.... like any other incident i can't really speak to them without choking up like a shit idek how to stop doing it because it just starts. i don't think it's even that morose or anything, can't really see it from a third person pov. maybe this will be funny when i grow up. my current muteness.
it's shocking how parents or any other older adult humans in fact, can get to the wise words and sentences and say it out before you have time to even figure it out in your own mind, because they are that wise. it's such a blessing to have adults in your life (i violently deny that i am one) ((omg i'm not))
they say they'll always support me/ they say money is not an urgent issue now/ they say young people must have more chances to try out different things/ they say there are so many things out there, why get bogged down by one woman/
them telling me this really makes me want to terminate this contract honestly and now i really don't know. i've been thinking about taking driving? on a whole new note which is a completely out of place thought.
six more months how the hell can i even think of quitting now. i'm scared that maybe i'm just hallucinating and things ain't as bad as it seems??? then again idk. maybe i just cannot have fear + sense in my brain at one time.
i would miss the kids so so much because i've never seen them genuinely happy laughing i don't want to be strict.
mum says to keep to my principles and that i don't deserve this.
kinda makes me wna xxx more because that's what i'm feeling??? and this constant fear every morning that i get, and my dad actually knows it without my pointing it out.
maybe i will just survive the week.
survive tomorrow
thanks so much jasmine, dee, trackies if yall went through this you'd really be thankful for friends like yourself hehehe
can't fathom what i'd do without such a blessing of parental love
do not doubt your skills people
"you should talk to us more okay, we need to know more about these stuff"
"yeah, ok"
i rly appreciate daddy + mummy's efforts in trying, just. that.... like any other incident i can't really speak to them without choking up like a shit idek how to stop doing it because it just starts. i don't think it's even that morose or anything, can't really see it from a third person pov. maybe this will be funny when i grow up. my current muteness.
it's shocking how parents or any other older adult humans in fact, can get to the wise words and sentences and say it out before you have time to even figure it out in your own mind, because they are that wise. it's such a blessing to have adults in your life (i violently deny that i am one) ((omg i'm not))
they say they'll always support me/ they say money is not an urgent issue now/ they say young people must have more chances to try out different things/ they say there are so many things out there, why get bogged down by one woman/
them telling me this really makes me want to terminate this contract honestly and now i really don't know. i've been thinking about taking driving? on a whole new note which is a completely out of place thought.
six more months how the hell can i even think of quitting now. i'm scared that maybe i'm just hallucinating and things ain't as bad as it seems??? then again idk. maybe i just cannot have fear + sense in my brain at one time.
i would miss the kids so so much because i've never seen them genuinely happy laughing i don't want to be strict.
mum says to keep to my principles and that i don't deserve this.
kinda makes me wna xxx more because that's what i'm feeling??? and this constant fear every morning that i get, and my dad actually knows it without my pointing it out.
maybe i will just survive the week.
survive tomorrow
thanks so much jasmine, dee, trackies if yall went through this you'd really be thankful for friends like yourself hehehe
can't fathom what i'd do without such a blessing of parental love
Monday, January 7, 2013
reverting to the memory bank for just a tinge of happiness.
there's the good memory of j2 life, way back before the pains of a levels really strikes a chord in our hearts with terror and alarm. friends, inside jokes and most importantly, zero responsibilities to bear. omg i really love love love that. no one whom you owe your knowledge and abilities to; no one to depend on you because you are the lone fighter who is fighting for your future. and no adult fare. i miss all of that. even though tj was a downright hell hole in the middle of the bushes. everything was kinda dreary but then there is the walking to the sports complex every morning before pe, laughing at inside jokes with jas or hazel, getting inspired by jodi, the works. gp class at the third level sometimes when i know it was the peak of slack, scuffling to the back row because you know you can do other stuff without worries.
j2 without the responsibilities would actually have been a dream. although i really hope uni would be a whole different ball game.
anyway, i was a lil bit wimpy today at the toilet hahah. maybe i will look back and um, be glad that this will soon pass. i don't know when exactly i will wake up again, without that constant fear in me....? can't help but.
thanks dee for your really encouraging messages during lunch and beyond. and hweemin fion ivy qiuxuan audrey huiling sam for the listening ear and laughing with me so i can at least be happy a lil bit, too.
sleeping at 10pm daily just because.//
thank god also for the comfort of family, like how my dad's always got my back since 1994 when i always have some impossible situation which he will always help me magically pull through like this morning when i needed timetables urgently, and how i know my mom will always be encouraging whenever i want to quit something i haven't quite yet finished. which will inevitably make me feel worse hah
j2 without the responsibilities would actually have been a dream. although i really hope uni would be a whole different ball game.
anyway, i was a lil bit wimpy today at the toilet hahah. maybe i will look back and um, be glad that this will soon pass. i don't know when exactly i will wake up again, without that constant fear in me....? can't help but.
thanks dee for your really encouraging messages during lunch and beyond. and hweemin fion ivy qiuxuan audrey huiling sam for the listening ear and laughing with me so i can at least be happy a lil bit, too.
sleeping at 10pm daily just because.//
thank god also for the comfort of family, like how my dad's always got my back since 1994 when i always have some impossible situation which he will always help me magically pull through like this morning when i needed timetables urgently, and how i know my mom will always be encouraging whenever i want to quit something i haven't quite yet finished. which will inevitably make me feel worse hah
Friday, January 4, 2013
Bright and early
My mantra for life these days. Saturday and I'm up, albeit unwillingly waiting for Qiu Xuan, being excited to learn!!!
Ytd was mad fun: Furt Dan Karen Shaun and Nat whom I feel quite bad for, for constantly mocking his accent, it's just that I rly don't understand him!! But he's cool with it. I rmb two years ago when things were pretty bad within myself. It's fine now and I'm glad I can appreciate their company and dinner together at Simpang first time and I love the sights
Ytd was mad fun: Furt Dan Karen Shaun and Nat whom I feel quite bad for, for constantly mocking his accent, it's just that I rly don't understand him!! But he's cool with it. I rmb two years ago when things were pretty bad within myself. It's fine now and I'm glad I can appreciate their company and dinner together at Simpang first time and I love the sights
Thursday, January 3, 2013
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