it gets to us.

"When you're tired of aiming your arrows,
Still you never hit the mark
And even if your aims are shadows
Still we're never gonna part
Come on baby don't let it break your heart"
Don't Let It Break Your Heart, Coldplay.

Apt quote/
Last day of term 3, and the sept holidays are here I can smell it. Maybe I'm not hitting the mark, I don't feel like much has been diffused into my brain. Where's the drive when you most yearn for it.
Satisfying and yummy dinner at a circular family table at Nando's today w Hazel Jasmine Esther and Chunarn, rewarding ourselves for idk, being in tuition!!! Glad to be able to splurge like pigs on food food food meals and many many meals w the money we got hehe. Cutting chicken into communist style equal pieces is tough but the spices are still lingering in my taste buds, long time since a good dinner w fun people :-) and day one of being parentless haaa~
I guess it's a really liberating feeling like whee no restrictions but the burden chains of A levels is perpetually wrung around my neck so there is virtually no happiness (yet)
No more late nights.

hi thursday prelims is nigh

I implore you not to do this to me anymore. Maybe my mind is a malfunctioning wreck, but just. Not now. :'( ROAR and hence I find this quote extremely relevant and I promise to myself properly that I'd use it. It's this: don't worry about things that you're not going to do anything about. (Which is so true because worrying only makes you over think, drains your energy which you could have used to do something more beneficial for yourself. And at a time like this, you can really afford to do stuff that is more beneficial to yourself. You should, anyway. So instead of feeling down in the doldrums, shout to yourself SCREW THIS MAN, THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME ME ME ME MENIAL STUFF LIKE THIS DON'T MATTER ONE BIT and just trudge on like the little soldiers that we are.)

"Be a cartoon heart,
Light a fire, light a spark,
Light a fire, a flame in my heart."
I'm so in love w Coldplay it's really my lifeline. This part of the song in Charlie Brown in Mylo Xyloto is truly madly deeply sung in the most beautiful tune in the world and it's so nice I couldn't concentrate hence I am here again just like I was ytd although I promised I wouldn't..... Sigh.

Anw just wanna mention my favourite mad buddy LIM YIYIN who sometimes gets called Luo Yiyin and whom I thought was Luo YY at first but nope it's not!! I was almost fooled, keyword being almost yea. Hehe you're so fun to be around and maybe one day I will be a professional hair braider and you will alw want me to braid your fringe for you and not ask Jasmine to do it.

xxx

Hi X I read your blog and just wanna let you know you're doing terribly fine and I support you all the way coz you're on the right track girl!!!!!!
Need this stuff that motivates me and shouldn't keep getting pelted down by other things.
We'll chase our dreams and catch its tails and in the end we will reach the clouds (cos yknow, you're a cloud heehee)
Luvvvvv and we'll meet properly soon I say this w much conviction.

there is so much more

omg omg there really is so much more to life after As I have to keep telling myself this. just put my butt down and get down to business for a while then I can finally and proudly say that I have achieved what i wanted and I can finally do stuff that makes me happy for the rest of my life this is it this is forking it. Ive really been quite a failure all this while actually, and I've let people affect me and govern my thoughts and actions, BUT NO MOREEEEEEE. Work for yourself work for what you want just work for what you've been fighting for for so long
Stop letting others affect you. WHAT IS EMPOWERMENT IF YOU DON'T EMPLOY IT? It'll just be an unused speck of dust floating around w people acknowledging its presence yet not making use of it. To be honest this has got to be something I really regret the most. Worrying about things yet not getting anything done about it and basically not trying my hardest. If only I realised this sooner.

Just
Keep
Fighting.

/edit. Whoa nelly today has been an entire day of soul searching and setting my life straight again. I probably needed that. Now I just really really need to run so something can be right about my life again. Thinking so unnecessarily about everything that has happened in my life so far. Those moments where you have to be pensive over every little intricacy that has occurred. Omg why now man. Finding my values is... Quite hard esp amidst the greater goal. Hmm Greater Goal w the caps sounds more important like it should be, although it stands for GG hahaaa
Oookz thanks Loks for being retarded as ever typing on your mac to send texts like it's ultra easy, thanks HaXel for paying for prom for me temporarily thanks class for making class seem more homely & the whatsapps forever abuzz. Alrighty. :-)

So cold so cold~~~~

RANDOM CONVOS R RANDOM
and late convos are crazy yay!!!!!!1 prelims are so not coming. >:-(

hurts like heaven~~~~~

radio telepathy satellite dish fish
listened to mylo xyloto on youtube and the radio played hurts like heaven AND BEST FEEL GOOD SONG RIGHT NOW
omg if coldplay ever came down to sg. /cartwheels and rolls/ go listen to it everyone please please please
and to home by phillip phillips. ^^

getting all grossed out by narcissism required to write personal qualities...... i guess the class is pretty lost tgt as to what to exactly to do for it. i will go wash off the pride by bathing!!!

keep it going.

Will be in charge of my sibs when my mom's away in Bhutan for a week. The first time we will be left alone in the house but it's like an adventure so I guess it's okay.
Hmm I prolly don't dare to say this but we've got the same feelings and it's frightening? Because I know where feelings are involved, then everything just tumbles. Idk it's been affecting me more arghhhh and idk what to do. I don't know how to deal w this all la.
That day I went home and plugged in for what seemed like ages. I listened to Hosanna. That familiar song we alw sang during catechism camps and everywhere else and it's safe to say that it's my all time favourite song. I really miss catechism even though was kinda almost socially awkward almost all the time, but time w God seemed just right and homely. Like goldilocks tasting the mama bear porridge which felt right. Tears but we've got to press on guys. It's not a battle until we give it our all. Sometimes it really does seem like it, but then it gets a lil bit discouraging but wtv. I hope I make smth out of nothing. I'm just quite afraid to lose.
I don't take home-made dinners for granted and my mom constantly checks up on me and gets all concerned despite that time last week where I guess I sorta broke down and I was so furious w her but she shows all this concern and I'm lost for words. Whatever it is right now, thanks mummy for showing that you care. And that means a lot.
Hahah okay I'm not a soddy person I'm not imma keep it going.

there's that feeling you once knew

Maybe I'm constantly hurting myself by placing expectations over reality and reality is just too, too low. Feeling like a wreck because things might not have been so bad after all, if it weren't for my over thinking. I could've focused on so much more productive things than to be stuck in this vicious cycle of my thoughts. Blame it all on pride I will. And these few weeks have just been kind of enlightening for me. How I see things, see everything. It has made me a happier person, like how stuff can be solved if only I tried a lil harder, so okay, things will be okay if I try. And today's whole confession thing makes me feel like I've been in this reality tv show where we didn't know anything about this class, until today. Still cannot get over the mindblowing facts, and stuff just reminded me of the first CG bonding we ever had and how the years have alr flown past. I will really miss CG16 and not trying to be overly sentimental but just like how we all graduate from the comforts of secondary school we must also do the same for JC. This class has been one I always wanted, where people treat friends like friends and not see themselves as the most impt and those who dare to be crazy once in a while and not be overly conscious about losing their reputation. We do weird stuff everyday and disgust each other knowing at the end of the day, we still luv each other for what we've got, and w all our magnanimous hearts. And maybe 4M hasn't really brought me that *amazeballs* (insert glitter and neon lights here) experience. Things get so comfortable here I don't think I ever want to leave.
We had Astons after ending at 12:30 and went to sing after that. Glad I met the boob and we went to church where I saw familiar faces again oh my. Haha I really miss the familiarity there too. A levels is really taking a lot out of me. I just have to do my best then get everything sorted into my life again, please be kind God. I just felt my emotions have been set straight at sea ave, haha, or maybe they kind of tumbled off track and made me tired. Idk. Idk. Idk.
Edit/ sheets I know why I alw fail econs essays alr. I realised I hold on to new trains of thoughts and develop them real easy haha dayum. So my mind is a long squiggly line when it's supposed to be a ruler-straight one >:/

a rarity called public hol

Stupid frappe stupid food terrible self discipline terrible terrible
Ok promise after tmr's meal, no more fooooooood heck feeling hungry constant running
Irks me that my jaws are now one slope down to my neck and ugnggg idk control.
First world problems aside, happy face for tomorrow and :-) face today, first time at sigs kfc!

it's so weird how every moment seems to be just directed at one thought just one thought :-/ screw this, focus focus

the end goal

Those who forget are the happiest.
Ok no more recurrent dreams anymore. None of this and a whole lot of focus (please).
We were riding the lift, Hazel Marcus and I, and we told Lok to join us and in the middle portion he started sticking his hands out like spiderman and did the motion of climbing the wall omg omg omg it was epic and made my day!!!!! And the part when Mgeoy stumbled on a crutch and yelped and she was like "omg did I just yell in class" and RuiXiang said "no" immediately + Hazel had her first ever bimbo mo so I can use it against her in the future hahahaha okay. Anything to neutralise the lethargy that school usually brings. Beginning to treasure time here more, wishing to find soon what I want -___-

Pictures: HAD A FIRST CLASSLUNCH/ CHARMAY'S BIRTHDAY/ HUMU NON-PONNER ahm Jas!! ;-;

Quote

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
JRR Tolkien.

forgetting

Forgetting how it was like in Patts, until I had the opportunity to listen to Fr Simon preach once again at the pulpit at OL. About the Eucharist being a miracle and it really is so. Maybe it's just how he articulates his words but everything he said struck me deep and I know it because I started tearing a lil bit. I know I haven't been really in touch w God or any other human life form lately, too absorbed in self-improvement and worry. Today's homily was a miracle like every other homily that he has done.
I think it was my deteriorating sight but the candle that was in front of him from my angle, seemed like they were lighted from his heart. It sounds totally absurd but I was kinda captivated by it. It was really so amazing that time because he truly spoke from his heart and his words were powerful. I just know there's so much more this world can provide than what I'm living now
;- ;
And dinner was aglio olio, salad w cheese and salmon with lemon zest made by my mom. Sunday was satisfying.

Love remains the same

(Half the time the world is ending
Truth is that I'm done pretending.)

Dreaded econs test today and then day w humuhazel yay house-crashing & double yay coz she touched my blanket which I have alw claimed is one of the softest ever and her face just melted like MELTED. She keeps denying it but I guess the fact of the matter is that I am the only one who can attest to her initial reaction. Cheap thrills cheap thrills. Sunflower seeds in a bowl and we were ready to go (rhyme unintentional)
Talked and judged judged judged roarrrr when can I ever learn when when when???
Saturdays.
Haha, and of all people, of all times! Didn't know what to feel. It ain't a bad thing, it was super neutral and I truly truly regret the judgemental stuff I did last time omg. Highscore today!!!

appreciation

Diverging a tad too much, but hmmm. Humu power FTW man, 113 whatsapp texts within the hour about economic theories and old men with beards and how it's an opportunity cost of stroking three segments of hair and what nots. Things I don't think I can ever survive without. Each day I'm most grateful that I've friends who get through JC together without ever showing the competitive smart kiasu pushy spirit that I envision many to display. Okay many assumptions right there, but I'm too lethargic to proofread (haha/) anymore.
Anyhoo, Deonn's post really tugged at my heartstrings, (Hi D!) just that pride has consumed us, or maybe most of me, I'm forehead-deep in gooey pride and I'm secretly unwilling to change because it just seems so much easier to head in this one direction, no? Last week I saw my kong kong and had the usual greeting like hello kong kong and in that ephemeral moment I saw that he had aged, like I didn't realise his skin had grown more wrinkly and his smile looked almost faded. The health that once radiated within him seemed to have gone and it's really really a scary thought because ofc I don't want to see him age so quickly? And this time is just a horrible time, idek the extent of a horrib family member I am. Okay I really played out conversations in my head like I'd ask him to tell me a story so he can recollect his thoughts and maybe improve his memory and that would be super perfect but I'm forever and always caught in this barrier of pride and for lack of a better word, Fear? I have my Instax and I have great ideas I really do. I want to take pictures of all my Saturdays w my fam and have genuine conversations that I play out in my head all the time. Not wishing that time would pass by quickly because of the awkwardness that we're feeling then. Idek how it's possible but I might have fell out with my cousin. Like how do people fall out w their cousins?! Only happens to me, just because I didn't do anything. Yeah I didn't do anything and hence relationships fade away and that kinda sucks big time because oftentimes we are just so consumed with pride and fear we don't do anything. Ha ha, I really think it's only just me. I don't really understand myself sometimes. I find it mega tons easier to communicate with friends and I find I am more of myself with friends than family and it just doesn't really make sense. All the time. I think I got it too imbued in my dense little mind of the image of a perfect daughter and sister and perfect daughters/sisters do not act this way that I do around with friends. It's just completely different levels.
I guess I wandered off topic again from my title, which says appreciation. Rant rant rant rant. Alrighty, unloaded a pile of junk from my brain cells. Praying that I don't fall asleep spontaneously again tonight.

Happy wallpaper

(Y)
Ulti Jew here ha ha

Muses on National Day

Fat cat walks on the mashed tree trail.
(I cannot cannot cannot will not let my guard down I must not be disappointed/ I'd wish to believe that all roads will lead to Rome, even if the road means on this path called TJ. I cannot bear to make anyone disappointed I don't wanna make myself disappointed. I wish I wasn't so affected I wish I didn't have to compare to make myself feel even worse than before. My inherent behaviour is really TMTH sometimes and I really do abhor myself by overreacting so darned badly in my head.
Chanced upon some quite inspiring blogs to put my mind where it should be. I promised Jodi that I'd go research on what I want to do in future. And yeah, it's not just a promise to her but also a promise to myself? Just that I tried and cannot picture myself being an accountant or engineer or a businesswoman or competing at the top with the doctors and in the end getting treated like dirt and disrespected according to some seniors... My abstinence from failure irks me sometimes coz there's no way life is good w/o bits and pieces of failure in there. Ok I will accept failure as it comes to me and be strong and courageous about it.
Quite grateful for my class girls because they're like a source of happiness and I cannot like cannot ever envision school w/o them. Not one day goes by without laughter and in comparison to 4M.... Well hehe okay. Just that I'd much prefer 16/11 any day because the environment seems more surreal in some way. The former is more real, akin to some super competitive, intense place I guess? But to see them all achieving amazing things inspires me to no end.
I hope we can somehow achieve things too, and not be the class that always gets the teachers disappointed. I'm just happy and grateful that we are all genuine people at heart and we can laugh during lessons and A levels seems like a dream~~ /ok no/ I guess things are really quite tough nowadays but don't falter, hopefully the rewards will assuage the temporary pain by a million times. I guess this is some dangerously idealistic thinking right there, but... AHH HECK IT. No more words :-(
Gonna run my ass off and ps I heard something that probably wasn't meant for me, yet I'm still quite unsure....? Help please. I don't know what to think. It's prolly a laughable matter in retrospect but I'm super uncertain. :-(

Thought

Well I wish I was a little bit stronger, ? Like just a little bit. And not get worked up ever so often.
/ head desk /