appreciation

Diverging a tad too much, but hmmm. Humu power FTW man, 113 whatsapp texts within the hour about economic theories and old men with beards and how it's an opportunity cost of stroking three segments of hair and what nots. Things I don't think I can ever survive without. Each day I'm most grateful that I've friends who get through JC together without ever showing the competitive smart kiasu pushy spirit that I envision many to display. Okay many assumptions right there, but I'm too lethargic to proofread (haha/) anymore.
Anyhoo, Deonn's post really tugged at my heartstrings, (Hi D!) just that pride has consumed us, or maybe most of me, I'm forehead-deep in gooey pride and I'm secretly unwilling to change because it just seems so much easier to head in this one direction, no? Last week I saw my kong kong and had the usual greeting like hello kong kong and in that ephemeral moment I saw that he had aged, like I didn't realise his skin had grown more wrinkly and his smile looked almost faded. The health that once radiated within him seemed to have gone and it's really really a scary thought because ofc I don't want to see him age so quickly? And this time is just a horrible time, idek the extent of a horrib family member I am. Okay I really played out conversations in my head like I'd ask him to tell me a story so he can recollect his thoughts and maybe improve his memory and that would be super perfect but I'm forever and always caught in this barrier of pride and for lack of a better word, Fear? I have my Instax and I have great ideas I really do. I want to take pictures of all my Saturdays w my fam and have genuine conversations that I play out in my head all the time. Not wishing that time would pass by quickly because of the awkwardness that we're feeling then. Idek how it's possible but I might have fell out with my cousin. Like how do people fall out w their cousins?! Only happens to me, just because I didn't do anything. Yeah I didn't do anything and hence relationships fade away and that kinda sucks big time because oftentimes we are just so consumed with pride and fear we don't do anything. Ha ha, I really think it's only just me. I don't really understand myself sometimes. I find it mega tons easier to communicate with friends and I find I am more of myself with friends than family and it just doesn't really make sense. All the time. I think I got it too imbued in my dense little mind of the image of a perfect daughter and sister and perfect daughters/sisters do not act this way that I do around with friends. It's just completely different levels.
I guess I wandered off topic again from my title, which says appreciation. Rant rant rant rant. Alrighty, unloaded a pile of junk from my brain cells. Praying that I don't fall asleep spontaneously again tonight.