I look at the mirror and always, always so much dissatisfaction. My thyroids seem so much puffier but I guess it ain't really a problem until my mom points it out that I should go back to see Dr Lee. But I'm thankful that I'm able to get back to running without being lethargic so fast. In retrospect, thyroid (and probably the onslaught of adolescent emotions and perpetual insecurity) hasn't made my life a bed of roses rather, that tangle of thorns beneath it. I feel them more. (for lack of better phrasing). Digressing, the dawn of maturity has really made me realise how in youth we discover so so many things, and tame all those emotions and try to set back our ultimate priorities, to each his own. And I'm admittedly a feminist so I'll say that girls' minds are so much more mature and complex than any other male mind can ever be. (fact)
The Sunday Times story of the paraplegic man really helped put things into perspective. And how it weaves in with what Father said today. About inner strength- given the same circumstances, the same situation , you'll always find that the man with faith will see things in a better light. He will face his obstacles with excitement and hope rather than pessimism and lethargy. I think inner strength is the one and only way to ever accomplish something. And another professor from NUS says report cards don't matter but how you deal with setbacks and try to overcome it. Report cards don't matter at all in the real world. I think it's so true.
I've always yearned to have inner strength, guess we all do. I find that I am constantly bruised by my insecurities. I realise how extreme my sentiments towards a person can get with even a slight action or gesture. I abhor how I can find it in my thinking to be ignorant towards a person, despite everything that she has done for me, completely disregard it just because of a small action that I'm disagreeable to. The story of my life. I can't believe that this is me. And Murphy's Law and shit happens to me all the time because I will always be the character I don't want to be. I don't want to be like my brother, completely ignorant and so overly-obsessed with the iPhone, muting himself even at mealtimes. I don't want to mirror his image and yet now, I find myself doing the same. I've always wanted to be the caring sister. Asking the siblings how their school work has been, chatting endlessly without the realisation of the onset of awkwardness- which makes things even more awkward and intolerable. Have talks that just roll of the tongue that easy. Confiding in my parents without the fear of putting a burden on them. They've done a swell job in raising us. We have the right everythings, like the perfect, most optimal environment for potential oak trees kind of setting. They've nurtured and loved and taught us all they can. I don't know if this is adolescence, but I don't feel like I'm in a family who cares. It's mostly just nagging that comes out of one's lips. What you should do, what's best for you. God, I really think that it is me. How can you love others if you cannot first love yourself? I can't love myself no matter how hard I try. Looking at other people will be through the eyes of envy. I can't love myself I don't know how to and it doesn't feel right. I've always wondered how I would cope if I was a paraplegic. How can my inner strength ever tide me through any of the difficulties abound? How can I go ad serve the Lord whole heartedly on mission trips if all I ever care about was superficiality. Time to time I always ask myself how my family and friends ever care for someone like me. Is this because I cannot love myself and therefore I am unresponsive to the love shed by others? Why does night after night pass by, me praying for something positive to happen to this household when day by day everything just remains the same?
I cannot translate the (relative) positive spirit into this house, even though it's a lovely home. I think there's some weird mishmash of stuff going on in my brain cells. Maybe the pills I swallowed for thyroid or wtv did some alterations to my emotional make-up.
My interest in psychology has been harboured in the docks of my mind of late and I kinda question whether it's because I'm discreetly telling myself I want to be my own remedy, solve my own problems and stuff like that. Then that'd be kind of selfish because I won't be able to help other people..?
Thinking is such a chore. I will stop doing so.
I enthusiastically and gratefully salute you if you've reached the full stop at the end of this sentence, <3 .
