this is real crayyy

so i was reading an article on life yesterday, how we would rather capture the moments on camera rather than with our own hearts and be in moment to experience that feel.

i could somehow automatically relate to it because capturing seems so much more accessible now and it's just something so instinctive in this day and age that we really do often forget that pictures don't just contain the image itself but the thousand words behind it. i think this instinct will stick to us for a while, though it's not often that we look back on past pictures, like every single one of them. it's more like hoarding all the images and then promising yourself that when you grow old into a wobbly adult you'll log on to facebook, scroll through your thousand tagged photos and be like 'oh yeahhhhhh good times'. i really do look forward to that day. these days seem so foolish- though not foolish enough to be considered foolish, (you get it).
on another page, these holidays make me really mechanical. though it really provided me with the abundance of time of being alone, with my thoughts which are always bigger than i am. i am always comparing myself to every single person, like virtually everyone. and i guess it's really unhealthy for myself. somewhat like a social sin? i also seem overly judgmental and that's really an ultimate downfall. i must admit laying off from twitter has made me a tad better on the inside. idk, twitter has this negative effect on me and it always keeps morphing me into someone i'm not. i'm a little glad and relieved i decided to place my studies as first priorities this holidays but then there's the opportunity cost on not being there for friends whom you know will alws be there for you. and that kinda sucks a lot too. maybe that's why it's always sleep/ social/ studies for the avg kid. so for rebecca it will somewhat be a lose-lose situation no matter the circumstances because i focus on the black stain on that perfectly white piece of canvas, yea that's me. i hate how this teenage years where it's supposed to be all mad crazy and fun and wild and not giving a shizzle about anything has turned out to be more of too-much-thinking-before-acting kind of movement for me. life is too short for that, really. i'm really certain that my interest in psychology is merely for my own selfish sake because i just want to know how and why my mind perceives stuff as its doing so, currently and hence my interest in psychology is just a superficial type of interest??? i'm not sure. on a side note, i feel weird displaying all this random poop in my head out in the mysterious dark audience of the internet. it's like exposing my bare heart to people i barely know /srsly, but #yolo, this doesn't deserve second thoughts right.
i'm really hoping that this is a normal occurrence right now, but there also seems to be a certain amount of pride within me that restricts myself from doing anything beneficial to society. there's always a nagging thought that my actions will be judged and hated upon the world realizing its existence like really wths wrong with me i'm entangled by my own issues idrk how to live properly anymore??? and phasing out the social network has really made me shift to the socially awkward/antisocial side of the spectrum of social behavior. i'm actually just really superficial and easily annoyed at everything and even that's kinda annoying to me haha so it's technically one of those annoying cycles. like a vicious cycle of being constantly annoyed by my brains. yeah that's it. nowadays it's tough b/c even prayer time is occupied by these bitter things that hog the spare capacity of thought-free brain cells. even god is neglected. okay i'm sorry friends who read this that i can't really mention this in any f2f convos like how it's usually supposed to happen. it's not a real issue just a recurring one so i guess it's already integrated into the fibres of my psychological being? then yesterday night i thought of how i can't live this way any more. and thus i'm trying to shift my mindset. shift shift shift it like how it's done during the early parts of last year where i thought was my ideal way of life. albeit it being really imperfect.
i try to believe that life will start to pick up after 2012 ends. and i really do hope so. now just really is not the time hahahaha idk what i am saying. okay, now's not the time to settle my sanity because that would be a wrong placement of priorities, is what i actually mean. hehe.