haha, scrolling through some previous posts, reminding myself that it is a new day every day. yesterday's worries should not be brought on to today, because we are reborn every time the sun rises. i am only going to write positive things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this space has no fcking room for negative vibes.

1. today i went to the beach to run. it has become almost a daily affair ever since i came back to sg and damn it's the best feeling in the world. i've been asking my dad to go to the beach so that he can clock in 6000 steps. 6k steps every day cures arthritis! the beach is always really beautiful, even at 11am in the afternoon. today there were many families who had pitched tents. i ran past them casually strolling at the beach. i think that the family that sweats together, sticks together. hehe that was the feeling i got through running today. there was a lot of love within the families and i was smiling through it all. there was one family with a physically disabled daughter and her dad was carrying her in his arms, with many family members around them. i felt the girl was extremely blessed to have a loving family beside her, providing her with new experiences, new places. i was thinking a lot about how to convert my family to plant-based and i would love to know about food psychology and how people determine what food they eat. i would start first by telling them that losing meat from your diet is not the point. the point is that you gain so much from plant foods. wealth of health, wellness, learning to appreciate nature, learning about real food, experimentation, knowledge that leads to better choice in the long run. oh, and the long run. all things good in the long run. nature heals all ills and dis-ease.

2. i saw my sister rummaging through the fridge, deciding on what to eat. i told her "i'm going to make some sushi okay, take some". in the end, she helped me shred the carrots and mash the avocado while i roasted broccoli and tomatoes, made the brown rice + vinegar mix and rolled and made the sushi (in vain). i felt like fireworks crackling and exploding as i see her eating the carrot strands with the salty flavoured coconut oil left over from the roast. we both can't eat raw avocadoes, but mashed avos complemented the sushi so well. i was so glad she actually had more sushi than i did. knowing i had stopped her from choosing a processed nutrientless snack made me feel incredible and ecstatic. knowing she liked it made me feel over the moon!!!!!! it was a perfect stay-in rainy evening and bonding over sushi making made this saturday really, really great. i've been making spinach pancakes for breakfast as often as possible and i luvvvvvv it. so do my parents. which makes me glad.
through this sem, practicing conscious eating has been a huge part of my life because i believe in its capabilities in healing the body. it has been a wonderful thing and honestly i've gained a lot from it.

3. my third gratitude bullet point goes to yiyin and our dinner conversation at seizeriya (siberia????). i really embraced it and there's not a lot i can say. except that i am grateful!!!!!

consciously;

“Perhaps in the back of our minds we already understand, without all the science I've discussed, that something terribly wrong is happening. Our sustenance now comes from misery. We know that if someone offers to show us a film on how our meat is produced, it will be a horror film. We perhaps know more than we care to admit, keeping it down in the dark places of our memory-- disavowed. When we eat factory-farmed meat we live, literally, on tortured flesh. Increasingly, that tortured flesh is becoming our own.”

― Jonathan Safran Foer, "Eating Animals"

1. no nasties yesterday. after i came back from a trip to ntuc, i invited bren and dee to my house and i had them some baked goods- potato thins and bananas for dessert (THOSE DIRTY GIRLSSsssSSSs they couldnt stop laughing) oh and apart from baked things, some stir-fried as well. coconut oil stir fry always satisfies my tummy

i was glad that i didnt opt for the usual singapore fare, its the more social thing to do but i think what i really really want is to cook all day all meals because i dont need to put other people in charge of my own nourishment 

（＾◇＾）

singapore is greatly greatly missed. 

"which one do you love most? singapore or sydney?" tbh they both have their strong suits. ive gotten used to the sydney lifestyle yet now that im in singapore i feel that it's time to stop lollygagging about/ brooding about how sydney is greatly missed. it's time to start making the best use of my time here and get these irrelevant unnecessary negative emotions out of my system. singapore is highly regarded in the eyes of millions of people (which is why it's so populated) and it's up to me to discover the beauty of where i am right now ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

2. im glowing with pride when i see bren/ deonn growing to be more of themselves, departing from the old 'self' that they were in TJ. and everyone agreeing how life is so different now but it's so much better (hands up for me bc i cant disgree) and telling bren about life thus far made my night a lot better.

being able to regard your thoughts as something significant does a lot better for coming to terms with certain things.

3. i was appalled at the state of my fridge at home ROTTING GARLIC ONIONS AND MYSTERIOUS LIQUID. usually i cant clean/ dislike cleaning bc it gets my hands dirty (...) BUT THIS, I HAVE TO CLEAN. i understand myself to be the person whos not the first person to step up and do house chores but ever since the final checkout and moving in to the new apartment, i realize that some things you just gotta get yo shit together and do the dirties. 

i got to store some newly bought vegs and fruit after that （≧∇≦）

i would so love to make bean stew or something from the forks over knives recipe list!!! it would be so perfect 

8 december

today was a busy day, interestingly one of the busiest i had in a while. studying doesn't come close to this!! i went to officeworks and ikea to get furniture for my new apartment together with pei and mag. they have been amazing and comfortable to be with. they were sweet and allowed me to choose what to have for lunch, and i HAD to choose lentil as anything because it was pay as much as you want! i felt it was something they would have liked because it was an interesting concept. i for one am an absolute fan of this place. today i had a set lunch menu that was far more satisfying than when i went previously. the food today??? TOTES AMAZING i had portions of mag's one because she chose a curry platter that wasnt to her liking. i told her i could eat anything veg/vegan. 

i was packing my stuff today and chanced upon the envelop from the national skin centre for allowance to bring my antibiotics to sydney. i opened it out of curiosity as to what it said and i saw the term acne vulgaris. i had acne vulgaris nine months ago and i needed to bring a pack of what was probably 20 aluminium packs of erythromycin with me. i remember the worry my mom and i shared in the clinic whilst discussing it with my dermatologist. i was worried my skin wouldnt react too well with the weather and would break out terribly. my mom placed an order for more erythromycin for me, although this antibiotic is not allowed to be prescribed for more than three months without consulting the derma. there was so much hurt and frustration at myself at that time. not knowing why my body acted like this, in such a terrible, painful way. i remember being so desperate for a solution. i remember i was a firm believer of science, not nature. i did not yet understand the holistic benefits of healthy wholefoods, i only understood that if you take xx product, you can see results sooner or later. it was only sometime later that i chanced upon the dodgy ad, proclaiming the benefits of a radical change in diet into the plant based diet. the results, if true however, were MIRACULOUS. people in the before pictures had acne worse than mine, but the after pictures were commendable, and one even added that his skin that never been better in his entire life. 

it has been a fucking hard journey to accept who i really am. (last time i swore off vulgarities but i believe that it really helps to emphasize the point and is hence useful in monologues / informal posts such as these). i cried so much, i aimed the hurt and the discomfort at myself instead of others bc i was moral. bc i was afraid of losing people. binge eating my troubles away only added fuel to the fire. this is so ironic. life is an awful irony, really!!!! 

somehow along the way though, positive changes happened. haha, i didnt really notice it at the point in time, but i changed what i put in my body. i made a conscious effort eg not to buy the pandan waffles at the cake shop after work. i packed lunch which consisted of steamed veggies. (i disliked steamed veg but soon grew accustomed to it. the body needed time to adjust from the heavy toxic processed food diet to a more natural one. in fact, liking vegetables took me a really long time! i trusted myself to cook tomatoes only in this semester)

acne vulgaris. it hurts me to see a passing stranger with this. feeling so horrible on the inside, being painfully self-conscious during social situations, thinking they dont deserve anything good that has happened to them. it hurts because i know they dont have to be like this. that there is a way out. i am so averse right now to processed / fried/ meat/ refined sugar/ wheat / dairy foods because i cannot torture myself by allowing my body to fight hard against countering these shitty poisons. there are ALWAYS other ways to socialize instead of "indulging" in "sinful" foods that crash the system shortly after. and now i feel that i absolutely cannot just sit there without saying something when i see my family doing harm to themselves. it's very hard to be passive when you know that being active can bring about some semblance of change.

a year ago, my blown-up self-made problems took over my life. now i feel i've made them diminish and life has been so fucking beautiful to me, i am actually amazed that i have missed out on all this shit for such a long time?!?!?! i appreciate and embrace my past self for leading me to where i am today.

1. the beach. so magnificently surreal. went there at an ungodly time of 3 pm (lunch) and cheryl and i stayed and talked til 5ish when we visited aboutlife (fav bondi food place along w earth to table) 

recently i've been talking a lot to myself and that really helps piece my thoughts together

2. i accessed some of my year-old videos and i noticed i talked a bit differently?? it was like a me yet it is not. 

3. let's always remember we have this empowering ability to think what we want to think. it's not other people's actions that repulse us, but how we think of them that does so. i realize (and this is so relatable in life) that everyone acts according to what they deem is right. honestly no one is wrong , it's just their actions in that moment in time might not have agreed with what we have expected of them to do. in the same moment though, that disagreeable person is doing something that he thinks is done out of good intention. 

and to think that in the earth's existence, somewhere in the timeline of life, maybe trillions or gazillions of years ago, this cave was once filled with ocean water. unimaginably, this cave is about a 1000m above sea level. but the earth is magnificent and we are but its small inhabitants. beautiful crystal structures take its time to grow from carbon dioxide and water and limestone and fffff this world is too beautiful. 

went to the jenolan caves at blue mountains today. breathtaking. it is at a constant temperature of 15 degs throughout the changing seasons!!! the cemented walkway was damp and slippery and claustrophobic. majestic to think that that is the only thing separating us and the vast unknown.