today was a busy day, interestingly one of the busiest i had in a while. studying doesn't come close to this!! i went to officeworks and ikea to get furniture for my new apartment together with pei and mag. they have been amazing and comfortable to be with. they were sweet and allowed me to choose what to have for lunch, and i HAD to choose lentil as anything because it was pay as much as you want! i felt it was something they would have liked because it was an interesting concept. i for one am an absolute fan of this place. today i had a set lunch menu that was far more satisfying than when i went previously. the food today??? TOTES AMAZING i had portions of mag's one because she chose a curry platter that wasnt to her liking. i told her i could eat anything veg/vegan.
i was packing my stuff today and chanced upon the envelop from the national skin centre for allowance to bring my antibiotics to sydney. i opened it out of curiosity as to what it said and i saw the term acne vulgaris. i had acne vulgaris nine months ago and i needed to bring a pack of what was probably 20 aluminium packs of erythromycin with me. i remember the worry my mom and i shared in the clinic whilst discussing it with my dermatologist. i was worried my skin wouldnt react too well with the weather and would break out terribly. my mom placed an order for more erythromycin for me, although this antibiotic is not allowed to be prescribed for more than three months without consulting the derma. there was so much hurt and frustration at myself at that time. not knowing why my body acted like this, in such a terrible, painful way. i remember being so desperate for a solution. i remember i was a firm believer of science, not nature. i did not yet understand the holistic benefits of healthy wholefoods, i only understood that if you take xx product, you can see results sooner or later. it was only sometime later that i chanced upon the dodgy ad, proclaiming the benefits of a radical change in diet into the plant based diet. the results, if true however, were MIRACULOUS. people in the before pictures had acne worse than mine, but the after pictures were commendable, and one even added that his skin that never been better in his entire life.
it has been a fucking hard journey to accept who i really am. (last time i swore off vulgarities but i believe that it really helps to emphasize the point and is hence useful in monologues / informal posts such as these). i cried so much, i aimed the hurt and the discomfort at myself instead of others bc i was moral. bc i was afraid of losing people. binge eating my troubles away only added fuel to the fire. this is so ironic. life is an awful irony, really!!!!
somehow along the way though, positive changes happened. haha, i didnt really notice it at the point in time, but i changed what i put in my body. i made a conscious effort eg not to buy the pandan waffles at the cake shop after work. i packed lunch which consisted of steamed veggies. (i disliked steamed veg but soon grew accustomed to it. the body needed time to adjust from the heavy toxic processed food diet to a more natural one. in fact, liking vegetables took me a really long time! i trusted myself to cook tomatoes only in this semester)
acne vulgaris. it hurts me to see a passing stranger with this. feeling so horrible on the inside, being painfully self-conscious during social situations, thinking they dont deserve anything good that has happened to them. it hurts because i know they dont have to be like this. that there is a way out. i am so averse right now to processed / fried/ meat/ refined sugar/ wheat / dairy foods because i cannot torture myself by allowing my body to fight hard against countering these shitty poisons. there are ALWAYS other ways to socialize instead of "indulging" in "sinful" foods that crash the system shortly after. and now i feel that i absolutely cannot just sit there without saying something when i see my family doing harm to themselves. it's very hard to be passive when you know that being active can bring about some semblance of change.
a year ago, my blown-up self-made problems took over my life. now i feel i've made them diminish and life has been so fucking beautiful to me, i am actually amazed that i have missed out on all this shit for such a long time?!?!?! i appreciate and embrace my past self for leading me to where i am today.
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