In retrospect, Rebecca in the past and present wanted different things ie getting As over and done w and battling rly dumb insignificant bouts of self-inflicted emotional turmoil and presently, after seeing the world through the window that is the blessed internship exp, getting desperate to find what I want to do int eh future for hopefully year(sssss) to come.
//
Prior to the release of O level results, I rmb Stella's text msg which said of the atmosphere of actual results day. Yup facing that same shit all over again. And makes me wonder why I didn't heed her advice way earlier.
What I posted pre results day befr Os, was this:
" So they made my day happy and worry-free, as promised. I chose to remain to live in denial for the fact that results are ominous and looming; it's like the anti-Christmas- though not in that satanic sense, because that would be freaky and tote uncalled for-. Wowza, in fact, it is right on this very day. Too much sadness, I can't really express how much melancholy's welled up inside. Anyway, I have enjoyed my days of denial and not caring about my future. As there really nothing is to do. Regrets are not worth the thought, so.
I am also scared for the fourteenth of Jan. Boo.
I am resigned to the fact that my results will not be as wonderful as it seems. I just know it, plus the uncertainty in the air shared by other people just further shows that I can be scared like heck. I'll bring tissues tomorrow- TODAY. And if I don't get it, then I'll just hope it's an inception.
I remember telling myself I had tried my utmost best but my best could not have been enough. Anyway, it's really true that if you don't expect anything (which is what I'm doing), then you won't be sad about anything. I prefer to keep an open mind.
Fingers crossed."
γ½(｀Π´)οΎ
It was more of a mad sense of denial, like I knew I wouldn't do as well as I'd expected, which was true.
I don't know what to make of this one. Expecting the worst yet hoping for the best is a shizzzzxxx painful thing.
Today got my mind off this, because we celebrated Ivy the feline's birthday today w a gorgeously sinful as usual Pine Gardens cake by Qiu Xuan's sister who is omg-awesome.
1 the cakes are amazing
2 good bits of chocolate in the cake
3 mega easy to customize
4 good location near pathlight
5 she's QX's blood relative
And we lied like the amazing Oscar worthy people that we are. It was a happy day in a surreal way, when everyone's just resigned to the fact that smth great is coming up tmr to hit us hard in the faces like that first steep dip of the roller coaster.
I finally got to process and string into words the long and srs food battle I have with my food. Explained it to hweems and she says I have a disorder though I don't wna face it bcuz idek what a disorder rly is anw. But she gave me good advice and I'm glad I finally can open up about it hopefully it'll just give me the push. I'm living an excuse of not wanting to exercise because of my tooth
Which oh yay is feeling much better thanks for everyone's care bcuz it rly made a difference. For allaying my fears and telling me worse experiences to make mine sound a tad more tolerable like whoo for humus and
Paid thirty for a buffet ytd which was surprisingly yet naturally lovely b/c I haven't seen most of them in two years; one year at the least- and Shujia being a buffy makes me more excited to learn from her in terms of losing love handles. ¥yi is still one helluva shameless crazy hilarious and oh yeah shameless girl who peels prawns and throws it on people's plates, bursts into maniacal laughter at the mention of certain people's names, and flings Chichee in every direction. Glad there was never a dull moment at the table, not like every single moment in the classroom three/4 years ago omg haha
Met Kaur bfr this and acted like working adults oh crud + embarrassing mo at the toilet teehee. But yah all is well. Saw a friend and dashed out hurriedly. That girl has some mad employer discounts at almost every restaurant at plaza sing extension!!!
In the spirit of nostalgia, fear etc, I shall say I don't look fwd to tmr I hate results I don't wna think I'm grateful for relatives who say they'll be proud of me no matter what which is indeed heartening + guilt inducing b/c 'hardworking' is subjective I seem to be getting ok w life so why do I have to get slapped with the ticket which would alr dictate a destination route planned for me
What if I want to live in denial ok I admit ignorance is total bliss esp right now
This is a whole bunch of cliche shiz I rly wna get a move on. Just without the unnecessary painful suspense. As well as maybe stop posting here ever so often.
I know where to go.
