disclaimer: its that monthly inconvenience thing again

wow ive nevr gotten that mad since august, or smth. it was some screwed up shit over driving (i could only get 1 lesson prior to my next test and my mom ws pissed but dammit her getting loud all of a sudden just rly set me off this time and triggered all the hot tears n that sucks coz i nvr get to speak coherently like that. ok so it is crazy that abt the whole 1 lesson thing but i srsly could only get one lesson n t makes me mad too?!?!??!?! i am alw abhorrently confident w driving bc i feel if there r so many people who drive on the road so effortlessly then why cant i. and why wont i)
n the other thing is that im really angry with myself. my past self. my self all those secondary / jc years.the fact that i was writing for this invisible audience that always criticized me in whatever i did. faceless figures that judged me harshly whenver i chose the more socially less acceptable option.  g0dda#n it there were so many instances i hated myself. my self-worth was clearly negligible and i had clearly recognized it but instead of improving it, it only made a deeper gash into my self-esteem. i was emotionally hurting myself and i allowed myself to inflict that hurt.
the past consisted of so many self-deprecating (and tbh almost pathetic) habits

• scrolled thru endless tweets of friends' perfect moments and then beat myself over it by saying; you should make friends w her bc she is popular and her life is so perfect
• never studying alone. it was the worst when i was in cedar. i mean this whole imaginary popularity contest clearly polluted my mind and i was crazy to have actually put the social definition of 'fun' higher than my grades. studied in the public library and then posting on facebook afterwards of the alarmingly little content i had covered bc it was so fun catching up.
• never b seen alone in sch / pretend to be super exclusive n act accordingly. i was so obsessed with wanting to be in a group, i'd take every initiative to pull us together yet just the right amount held back bc i didn't want to seem too needy. in retrospect i think it was just bc i simply didn't have enough self-respect for myself. i didn't realize how important a little bit of self-respect can go.
• hate-reading. bc oftentimes i needed consolation for my miserable life, i mentally put down many people whose blogs i chance upon. i was so obsessed with social media why wasn't i diagnosed idek....... anw, the sole definition of internet for me was reading blogs in secret as if i did not have a life of my own. not to watch comedy series, not to blog-shop.

it's mental abuse and why hadn't i realized it, until now???? wirojeeigjakjgnseq.
i had toxic amounts of spite and envy and all those horrible things you wish would stay out of your life forever. i think as a result of it, i became more afraid to let any semblance of character in me show, bc i was afraid of being judged, like how i personified judgement.
typing this out actually made things more lucid, wow ok.
yeah so just now i was upset that i actually brought years of misery. upon myself. which is the most foolish thing you can ever ever do. i learn that self-love is essential and also, being humble doesn't mean to put yourself down (even if it says so in the bible). humble people love themselves too and everybody should know that. in fact, the best people love themselves bc they know that by doing so, they would have the heart to help empower others, which i think is a pretty marvellous realisation.
as much as i am upset that i have been completely obliterated by the hungry flames of self-deprecation circa 2009, i'm more determined

• to love myself more bc no freaking one can ever love this as much as the heart of this human and the beautiful organs that undergo processes that help it to survive
• n e v e r  to let anyone's opinions override mine; bc my opinion is important too and i should always know that. (i hadn't known that.)
• never to let the faceless humans in my brain take the reigns to what is known as my life.
• never be scalded too badly by actions of others which i always assume to be subtle signs of disinterest/disapproval/discouragement towards me. read: can u not overthink too much stop being a pathetic sad sod.
• to have a more positive opinion of myself.
• to be empowered by and proud of my clean eating lifestyle. in doing so i realize the positive changes that are stirring within my body (this is true)

• to be happy content with who i am. and be happy for others.

it's seriously much more enjoyable to be admirable of others than to be envious of long, lean legs or slim arms. i alw tell myself that everyone is on their own fitness journey. we're all at different stages in trying to get lean and actually, that is what shapes (pun) the world and gives it this wonderful diversity. everyone is different and that is something to embrace and savour.
ok so i am coming clean n saying that i sometimes dk why i am the way i am physically. sometimes i resign to the fact that i'll never be content w my body. looking at the body transformations on tumblr or instag rly inspires me though, that these people only headed towards one direction and overcame all those sick demons that put them down.

/end. everyday will be perfect bc i will make it so.