no more damage

studied for HSBH1003 sociology and teared a bit. i ruminated a bit too much; on facebook, then in my head. chanced upon one of my secondary school teacher's family life on facebook and all the picture perfect family shots and i just got directed to my own. family. how it's all going to be better once i come back. sydney has honestly changed me, i say this with conviction and crazed ecstasy. no more am i a prisoner of my negative self-thoughts. no more do i assume the worst of others in every situation. no more am i afraid of judgement as i choose to stand by my own and do things that i actually like to do. no more am i afraid anymore.
housemates- they've been an integral part of my life throughout this emotional joyride.
they taught me how to love selflessly; meal times and everyone cooks and let's all the others have a bit out of their own meal. i've tasted wonderful things like tom yum soup, teriyaki chicken, spicy spaghetti, smoked salmon, roasted chicken, stir-fried kangkong with onions. everyone helps each other out and genuinely cares. and i wish i learnt to see that before i left singapore. the beauty was there, just that i wasn't, to appreciate it. when i was feeling terrible with my sudden bout of feverish flu, bethea made me a hot glass of honey and lemon, and wrote me a note attached with a packet of chinese herbal tea leaves. i could sense my parents concern a continent away; my dad telling me to make some manuka honey with a +20 or more "it's more nutritious". "make yourself some soup with meat bones, have something hot". ah yee maria cares nuf to text me occasionally asking me about my weekend, her casually mentioning things that happen in the house, or her pedicures with mum, etc.
back again, at housemates, where everyone's just fiercely protective over each other. no one wants anyone to get hurt, physically or emotionally. peiying's rough patch and stacy mentions that "her heart broke when she heard about it" and all talks of violence breaks lose which is amusing and amazing because- the lengths we would go through.
them talking about their lives and their desired projections into the future helps push me in the direction of how i should shape mine. and just their actions of kindness that i experience puts me in a good mood everytime.
their trust in God is encouraging and heartening and hopefully i will learn one day to do the same.

being here, isolated from home has made me more self-dependent emotionally. motivation to exercise is self-dependent, motivation to eat well is self-dependent and does not require approval from anyone else anymore. discovering little cruelty-free, vegan shops along glebe st and newtown has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. sometimes i go a little overboard in stocking up on healthfoods in the house and hoard glass jars which i stash under my bed (just in case). and i'm glad that i get an additional bonus gift of having a vegan friend whom i can talk to (LOLOL).
tbh i was just extremely afraid of walking the vegan path when i was starting out!!!!! ugh the perceived pressures and judgements i thought i would receive was just. overwhelming and extremely deterring. but

it seems impossible until it's done

and once i did it, the path was almost radiantly clear. it was one that i want to base my own adventures on. it's one that i definitely want to share with my family and am excited to do.
all the judgements that i thought friends would have are shoved under the carpet. I'M DOING IT GUYS THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!!!!!
this is my happiness path
after all these dark, broken teenage years of self-inflicted pain and having an inferiority complex....... i feel i have reached the end of the stupid dark tunnel. i don't regret it because i learn from my experiences, anyway, i'm just glad i feel liberated from the chains that once held me down and restricted me.
the binge period that happened last year i promise to myself, is never again going to happen because i can control it. i can never let myself see food as the enemy. i am never going to treat it as an outlet of my pent-up emotions. rather, it's going to be my source of joy everyday.
like :) breakfasts :) of pancakes, oatmeal, mini-springform cakes and muffins.
and blended juices :)
and veggie meals flavoured with pesto dips or hummus :)

and now with a better mind, i try to overcome this last and final hurdle of the semester;
finals!

edit: hazel also posted this wonderful collage of vlogged memories from her backpacking trip with bren zhihao and accompanying friend and that made me tear up to no end too damn hilarious and overly dramatic...... it was sad because the video was so happy laughter and candid shots of the scenery. it genuinely made me happy for them to experience what the world has to offer. i also miss their faces because the remnants in my head of what is left of them is classified as pre-sydney and right now there's just the current sydney part of life. :-)
although i do feel pleased that i don't have the pent-up overly-insecure thoughts that i used to have!!! that's a first hurhuhrhurhurhur

off to bake granola and c'mon reb....... hsbh 1003 tomorrow.