you sure as hell are not the prisoner of your own thoughts, nor are you letting your happiness depend on another person. not anymore!!!!!!!!!!ffffffffffff

i was just talking to jieshi about veganism and she asked me about how i did it/ what i ate/ how did i feel as a vegan. this is a lifestyle that truly saved me and whilst im wary of trying not to impose myself too harshly on to others, i figured that if i manage to piece my story properly then people will know that im not just a crazy old veggie lady obsessed over anti-inflammatory foods (although that is actually pretty legit)....

ive never wanted to say this but throughout my teenage life, i was inferior to others. at least, i thought i was because my thoughts had governed my life and the way i looked at it. so i was diagnosed w thyroidism at 14. that wasnt a huge problem. the huge problem was the relationship i had with food after the diagnosis. the doctor put me on hypothyroidism treatment- basically slowing down my metabolism and in other words, i could gain weight easily. after a few thoughts about my diet, i was convinced that i would never get fat because i exercised and trained like hek. i broke out quite a lot and believe you me, but the effects of white/blackheads was emotionally scathing for a 15 year old teenage girl where everyone else was all about ~superficiality and cool kids and skinny~ 

fast food, snacks, chocolate -> bad skin -> inferiority -> dependency on friends -> eternal discontent

i thrusted my happiness onto the shoulders of my close friends. in retrospect i realized i was never happy because i had placed expectations on people w/o actually telling them what i wanted???? i think i must have caused hurt. i was hurting and that was hurting others. i remembered i wanted friends to be integral to my life that i neglected my family. i got into this huge argument with my brother and he called me the worst ugly sister and that honestly killed my soul but that was 15 year old me who had an ego as fragile as an eggshell and yknow puberty, hormones and the like. i had arguments with my family, i had cold wars. i dont talk about my problems bc being the eldest, i reasoned out that mature siblings cant have problems bc that showed weakness. this vicious cycle of self-hurt -> hurting others -> placing expectations.... goddarnit i was so so tired last time. 

my relationship with food was an outward reaction stemmed from what i thought of myself... i think the worst bits were augmented after i did my a levels. maybe it was because my thoughts manifested like wildfire. overthinking, imaginary irrational circumstances play in your head, thinking people hated me for being me, thinking people hated me because of the things i did not do, me wanting to 'prove people wrong' because isnt that what people thought to get that driving force to succeed? 

i had a desire in mind, which was to prove to people that i could lose weight. i was unhappy with what i had, i hated how my thighs rubbed against each other when i ran, i hated how bulky my arms were. i think, everyday, of how anyone could love/appreciate me becos loving myself was impossible in that moment. i was like an empty outer shell of a living body. my soul neglected my body. my soul was desiring what other people had, my soul was wishing to be in the shoes of other people, my soul believed that i would never be happy. thats how i really felt. and i thought that being skinny was the answer. i used the most sensible way to lose the weight- i cut down on my food intake. i rmb how when i was interning, i compared my meal intake w the rest of the others, secretly happy that i was eating the least rice, the least meat or veg. sometimes i had processed cereal and milk for breakfast, some packed biscuits and cheese for lunch, then after school, i'd force myself to work out by running and at dinnertime, - i dont even recall -. i thought i was helping myself but what the hell my life just got worst. i wasnt getting enough nutrients for sure. i felt weak and lethargic which led to my binge eating. that was the start of a tumultuous period of self-discovery, honestly.

it was painful. i remembered stuffing myself with tim tams, downing glasses of milk with oreos, raiding the freezer for chocolates. eating bad foods hurriedly while no one was at home. i had cheese i had reeses i had twisties i ate dead food with zero nutrients and tons of calories because

i was starving 

i was emotionally empty- i wanted people's attention. i wanted my parents to walk in on me and see me causing harm to myself. i wanted to tell them my problems and the hurt i have been feeling all these years. i yearned to tell them the anguish i felt in myself. my parents didnt walk in on me at all. you could see i really was placing irrational unrealistic expectation on others to help me because i felt unable to help myself. this whole episode did not just pile me with a lot more weight than i had started- it caused me to have insane, insane acne which pretty much set me up for a tougher time. i had never felt more disgusted with my life. i wouldnt and couldnt accept myself. whenever i ran at the park, i could sense people looking at me. i cried to myself for a couple nights because i thought that the world cant accept me, the girl with the acne. i unknowingly added fuel to fire by comparing myself to other girls. the girls who were once my friends i saw them as competitors. the girls who started uni and had something to do, events to attend. i worked at a clinic for a period of time and was attending to a patient over the counter and he leaned over the counter wanting to speak to me, then he asked me in a hushed tone whether i had hand foot and mouth disease as he touched his face with his hands. i was so flustered and speechless that i shook my head vigorously and retreated to the dispensary booth where i pretended to be busy because i felt my true fears had been realized. yea working at the clinic was tough. pasted on the walls of the doctor's office were posters of acne treatments and you couldnt believe how many times i compared myself to those. my mom started to get worried for my skin and she did wonderful things for me like bringing me to the skin centre to get antibiotics and signing me up for some thousand dollar laser treatment. at that time i shunned away from the world and was reluctant to see anyone i knew. my life consisted of clinic and home. i cried after everytime my mom helped my place a hot towel to my face in hopes of cleaning the skin. i felt like i was a completely helpless person. my own image of myself had paralysed me into doing anything for myself nor for others. at those times i tried to meet up w my friends i think i was truly forcing myself to put on a facade. i didnt feel like it bc i was truly hurting. it was the feeling of not being able to love yourself which extended on to not being able to be there for others. i remember one night of water works where i was desperate for a solution and this advert started playing automatically. it was about this doctor who claimed that he could cure people with acne without medication whatsoever. the video was believable for me. i felt at that time i needed to clutch at straws in order to survive. in that desperate situation, any solution seemed like a viable solution. i bought that ebook for 37$us and thought to myself, ok i'd better make this ebook worth it for me. it was totally bogus but youd be surprised to know that it kinda opened up a whole new world for me. the doctor was named mike walden and he advocated a diet change to cure acne. it was radical. according to that diet i had to drink lemon water every morning, eat garlic because of its anti inflammatory properties, keep of dairy and wheat products and quite a few other things. 

to put it simply, my life after buying that ebook changed course. i felt it headed in the right direction. that was last year at this time, actually. from oct to dec, i felt ljke i was very much on a roller coaster. i had good days with clean food and i had bad days because i lose confidence of my abilities to pull through. 

i must share that i was prescribed like 4??? tablets of antibiotics a day at my worst period of acne. my mom flustered over asking my dermatologist to provide me more tablets because i was going to australia she constantly reminded me to go for the laser treatments. 

i came to australia with 

this much medication (i am surprised i cleared customs)- it has been a long seven months and i still have *the abovementioned* amount of tablets with me. 

i stopped my antibiotics because despite going against my mom's beliefs, i was fixated with the plant based diet to cure my ills. it was a few months after i motivated myself to have steamed vegetables and raw desserts that i started to see this hint of change. i didnt see it as much but i was thrilled that it seemed to be working. coming to australia, i decided to set my diet in stone. i feel more confident now in the second sem, about what im doing. i feel i have a greater agency to effect change in myself and in others. i dont really know where to start but... after i changed my diet, things started to get a lot better for me. i found a nice spot in my room for clean looking instagram photos to motivate myself and others to sticking to this diet. sometimes i let situations of my life get the better of me, i would stress myself and i must admit that there were a couple of trip-ups last sem with bingeing to make myself fill me up emotionally. i learn each and every day about how to treat my body right with each obstacle and learnt from mistakes. i could now understand that for every binge, there had to be an underlying reason and i set myself to rectify it so that it didnt return. i felt that i could be in control of myself better as i eased into living here. heh, at first i was abashed about sharing my story with others because i was embarrassed of my past and was afraid that others would see me as ->> the disgusting girl who couldnt take care of her body, who was pudgy and inferior <<- but i soon recognized that these were just irrational unhelpful thoughts that did absolutely nothing to benefit me. i shed all my expectations for others so that i could be happier with myself. that meant not hoping that friend A would reply me without me actually asking for it / not being upset ever again if things didnt reach my high expectations. 

i felt that rebuilding my relationship with food somehow weaved in beautifully with how i saw myself as a person. in consuming food that was nourishing, i saw a need for myself to be responsible for my own self. i realize that all throughout my teenage life, i have made far far too much comparisons with my life. i put my opinions below others because often i was afraid of losing them. i gave in to people easily even if it meant that compromised my preferences. honestly i cant even remember having a preference for anything??? but this lifestyle has done a hell lot for me at the point of my life that i thought was a cul-de-sac. sometimes when i binged, i was filled up with emotion and wished my arteries would clog up/ i would be diabetic so it could give me a more legit reason to be healthy. that was one of my moments that i thought i'd reached a dead end. being vegan got me out of that dark period and showed me that i didnt have to starve to be thin. being vegan lifted my restraints on food- i could have any thing i wanted and i wasnt comprimising on my happiness nor my health. being vegan is like being on a lifelong happiness project that i had always wanted to achieve!!!! it has done me so much good that i yearn now for my family to be vegan too so that we can live long and happy. i have so many plans and meal ideas to make for them and isnt this what ive wanted to do all my life?? to make a change in the lives of others. starting first from my family. i decided to fill my mind and being with only positive thoughts. i try to calm myself down when im met with a situation where i felt uncomfortable by looking at the situation from a different perspective. (that helps, a lot!!)

being vegan has rewarded me with something that i have worked hard on. regaining my health. every food documentary i've watched has only cemented my trust i have with natural healing by plants. (read: forks over knives, food inc.) sometimes i feel uncomfortable around my housemates because they offer me something made with sugar/ dairy/ eggs/ wheat- well, i'd just have to handle that better!!!! but i thank them for the acceptance for me and the tolerance towards me lol as i make my morning oats lol or have some vegan thing baking in the oven lol or as i sit at the dining table eating from a container full of peanut butter lolol.

sometimes i look back on the not so smooth experiences i had with my life. i accept all the past selves that i was. in fact, im grateful for them because if not, i wouldnt have stumbled upon my life changing moment. i realize the wonders that not comparing your quality of life to others brings to my quality of life. i honestly have never been more content with where i am right now. my body is not an empty neglected shell anymore because of this. every time i stay true to my values (like sticking to a clean meal/ staying home when going out seemed like a good idea), i feel that there is a lot more respect for myself which is smtg that i never truly did experience before. and i want to just add how integral my housemates have played a part in my journey. we brought to australia something that was uniquely us. stacy and bethea and zhiting really taught me the importance of family and having values that you can stick to. zhiying taught me the importance of a positive being; she is such a surreal-ly cheerful person in every darn situation and it should be respected bcoz i think shes like the 95% percentile on the chart of how happy people can be. peiying has taught me that you yourself can create your own happiness. she can take matters into her own hands and is not afraid of hurting her ego, like i always am. she singlehandedly went down to the fish market to get fresh seafood because she wanted a sushi night for our apartment. (she also skipped lecture that day) i mean, she could have stayed home to study but she chose what she wanted over everything else. i thought it was noteworthy. 

ive started running again and now its not because i want to be thin, but becoz i shouldnt suppress my freedom to experience sydney just bc i "need" to study. i realize now the importance of taking time for myself because thats more beneficial. i was a victim of time as in i was really stingy with it- "i must finish this chapter by this time/ i will study from 12-5 today"

i feel i am a better person because i treat myself better now. i treat myself as a friend not as an enemy/ competitor. i do break out sometimes and i understand that its not because my body rebels against me, but because there is something that needs to be cared for. dis-ease, not disease. 

this picture is awful but that was me like a year ago < i had wanted picture progress to note my journey and im quite glad that noticeable results came with it 

i guess being extremely averse towards inflammatory foods is partly because i cannot bear to be the (left) picture ever again? veganism is something that works

so well for me and thats what my life needs right now (and hopefully forever) 

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

camera roll-in

the wonderful slosh that was today, brilliant in all ways. the cinnamon in these buckwheat/rice flour pancakes complemented the nut butter so well, the meld of flavours made my heart sing

and those caramelized bananas. no wonder bananas taste soooo good glazed. the sweetness just melts out of hot bananas 

a crazy 3.5 hour clean-up resulting in onset of stress and heart palpitations led to this moment: me being in the heart fluttery celebratory mood that lasted for about 10 mins before i headed back to neurophysiology （＾_＾） so thankful for the kind inspector guy and MY HOUSEMATES WERE SUCH ASSHOLES LA THINK I CANNOT PASS RIGHT!!!!?!?! (yall were right bc i was freaking out, i imagined myself being the 1/6 in the house who got the fail grade and got extremely scared. i used copious amounts of disposable cloth to clean my ledge, my table, my mirrors and bathroom *things*)

this is one of my favourite humans in the world, my kind of friend that i know we can talk about from where we left off at any time of our lives. time lags are no problemoez ( ^ω^ ) im so happy for you i could cry sometimes i miss your sarcasm and people might not find you funny but i think its freaking hilarious when you say some sht in a serious tone when its actually humorous thats like sarcasm at a highest level?!!?!! ive been saying hi to you since 2009-2012 cuz youre alw in the same sch w me and thats an awful lot comforting. you deal w my shit bcoz i couldnt handle it on my own and our recent quickie whatsapp convo made me realize how much control we have over our emotions and our lives now. its a huge leap of achievement from the times when we were so closed up with our own emotions. thank you jolene, and aiya you wont see this but i will, in future. the white arrow pokes your nose and thats wut id like to do all my life. i mean i wna annoy you all the time, not just poke your nose mm k

1. my run was amazing. fish market and back

despite the piling stresses, i did not conform to my negative thoughts- i thought i should skip dinner but no i had sweet potato coins and chocolate thereafter (coconut oil, seeds, cacao powder, rice malt syrup)

i thought i wouldnt run bc... "for the sake of time". but f dizzzzzzxzxzx 

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

being fearful of time has never made me more productive!!! now i have listened to some lectures i ought to ketchup on, and im tuning in for the day bc i look fwd to another productive day. 

2. househunting (yet again) stresses me like creeeey but if i do my best, i know i need not worry about anything!!! i have singled out several potential hses w pei. lemme just take it in stride and focus on the now, not the future!!!!! ˊ_>ˋ

3. unintentionally made some fried 'rice' barley for lunch bfr school today. stirred it up w caramelized onions, asparagus, kale and some nori seaweed!!! mmmm, like a deconstructed sushi bowl w coconut oil aftertaste （＾∇＾）

lolcats

hi stacy youre a rocking partner for the proj!!!!! cant ever feel more thankful. let us just win at cscd pls pls pls our 19 hours spent toiling should not go to waste （≧∇≦）

i donut appreciate this photo though 

i read the traffic light choices on what to eat and i got really really worried about my food choices. i love peanut butter to death but i think my housemates were right i am consuming excessive amounts of it. 

fat vegans. i thought choosing a cleaner lifestyle could make me get away from the fat. but even vegans can be fat because of nuts.

i guess it was the phrasing of the book, that made it so terrible that nuts should be shunned. and during lunch i was srsly considering to rid all nuts from my diet. 

part of me says i should eat with intention. if i was stressed avoiding nuts, then my intention of eating them would be to binge and hve a forbidden food. damn it rebecca, just have anything you want. avoiding food will only make your body crave for it, because thats how it works. you should accept it. eat intentionally. dont let yourself be conformed to follow someone else's diet strictly. if you feel happy w where you are then heck, no one should take that away from you. you are your own being and you should treat yourself as how you would treat others. 

these are the few slides that broke me 

i think i might have ate one to many things for lunch today as a result. 

kale chips

veg stir fry

2 ripened pears

2 handfuls of frozen mangoes 

polished my jar of peanut butter

with that, i have succumbed to the temptation of the peanut butter. see, isnt the body ironic! that thing that you want to work against is the same thing that you crave most. think about it. 

my final judgement is to f everything and to eat such that i eat intentionally and safely. 

i was so affected because i was thinking how much of a fat vegan i was; that doing exercise and cardio was all for nought because i love nuts and avocadoes. i forgot to realize that my love for these things was exactly what starting my clean eating in the first place. it led me to the acceptance of cooking stir fry for meals because my taste buds prefer less rich tasting foods. i see change. i sincerely and utterly do. 

i just need to believe in myself more often. believe that i am doing the right thing which im most definitely am. (⌒▽⌒)

1. i usually wouldve beaten myself over not going out w the friends for brunch, so this is a bold step for me- choosing to stay home bc i felt drained of energy from ytd, and making myself a srsly amazing big glass cup of beautimous TEA PARFAIT 

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

i felt terrible about not going to be a good host, but then i realized i cant be a prisoner of my own thoughts and my own expectations. i dont need to force myself to do something i dont want, instead, i have the agency to choose my own path and this morning, it includes staying home for this ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

everyone acts in their own best interest and there's nothing wrong with that. i have acted in my own interest, and theres nothing wrong with that. 

i have to slowly accept and be really, really happy with the choices i make and this is it!!!!!

2. it was nice seeing everyone dress up to the nines yesterday at the dnd; and i got to eat vegetarian thanks to zhits,

and the familiar company made it very much enjoyable （＾ω＾）

i am grateful for the people that stick by me, and the warmness everyone exudes

3. my whatsapp to my aunty made me realize how much love ive yet to give to my family, and the extent to which i held back giving this love. in it, she told me how my cutie 10y/o cousin loved to hang out w his other cousins but doesnt want to say it. this made me think of how much ive missed in all of my cousins' lives. not just him, all 7 of them

but being here in oz, this whole experience has given me life lessons i never had. eg i've learnt to accept myself for my imperfections and to support myself in wtv decisions i make for myself. i made myself go through with my intended plans instead of sabotaging myself, i have learnt to read the labels and avoid foods that harm me- all for self-acceptance. i direly needed this experience and thank god i've finally learned to move on from my past self, bc idk what would happen if i kept hurting myself like that. 

1. it was iglu's evac drill today at 4pm. we intentionally left around 3.30pm because we were evacuating too. evacuating to royal botanic gardens. bethea came along today and the picnic mat was sit-worthy. glad she had room to chill. i ran!!! it was a beautiful route and i felt safe along the water. it is an affluent part of town, like the big houses at coogee beach! it was a quiet path, but calming and serene. i took the kind of breaths that make you know you are alive and living at that moment. the one that sort of fills your lungs up and not before first triggering your olfactory receptors. it detects every mm^3 of air that enters my lungs for unique scents. 

i was aiming for that natural casual picnic mat vibe. this needs to go out more often!!!! 

bethea and i talked about real things, like the future, and what we wanted. it was time well spent with this girl who is driven and strong!! 

2. and with this picture, comes the hashtag: eat with intention. 

how often i eat mindlessly and hurriedly. i notice i get my breaths are light and frantic. eat like you love yourself.

although i am more than blessed to have found something that works for me. something that will last me for the rest of my life. <- i was always afraid of committing to anything long term, but this, i can do!! going veg is ma jammmmm

3.

i figured that stuttering assignment was what i needed to do, and instead of the mindless self-sabotage i put myself through, i shed my fears of time away and got down to business. yes today was good. i had hot tea by my side and my nalgene bottle of water for hydration.