I think I speak for many if not all, that you yourself are your own greatest critic. Impressions that are given to you by others or what you derive other's impressions of you really leave more indelible marks than any other thing in the world. My life isn't the toughest thing ever, but neither has it been the easiest stretch of road. Biology dept says "you've to conquer your own self" and quite honestly I was quite overwhelmed because it truly sums up my current way of life, how I just am unable to get over some stuff and I gathered today on my way home that I'm really an aggressively possessive person I really am. And it's quite scary even to me. I've been unknowingly holding on to people and really unwilling and stubborn to do anything else. Things to me, don't really seem normal now cuz yknow there is a stark difference in who I talk to- actually not so. Just that I feel quite suck that things are mad mad different now with the whole divide, it's unnerving. Wish I could rewind and act differently from the way I did then maybe things would be different? Stupid me, driven by my own thoughts to do different things. On a happy note, I really do learn quite a bit from class girls. Like even their mild nonchalance (Jas) and their willingness to love every girl in class who tries. It's truly a refreshing change from my thoughts which are really judgemental sometimes and it's just so hard to kick them away. I've been having many happy moments in life just that I fail to see it sometimes, then it doesn't really become a happy thing already. Today was like a rarity, me Jas and Hazel hanging for 15 mins it's completely rare, but today was it. Laughed and said stupid things a lot it's such a trademark 16/11 thing to do, talking about people and stupid things. I will not treat you any different- I will try not to. I won't think so much into things like I always do. I wish things would be a lot like last year, because I'm a huge hater of change but thinking further, would I have been truly happy? It's so selfish of me to restrict people's happiness, or wish to do so. Like even thinking of doing such a grievous deed is already so bad. Life in TJ is ending soon. Pictures are being taken tomorrow and I just wish with all my might that things will be okay again. It won't happen tomorrow, and I know I won't go all courageous to change shit but I can hopeeee and cross my fingers and toes til it cracks. Sometimes I think so much I completely deviate from the lesson entirely. I should really concentrate more on what is important, focus.
And hence this is why you should be conquering yourself, which is by far the largest thing I ever have to do to get through As.
These times are dreary hard and dumb thoughts cannot put me off any longer because I dislike regretting at the end.
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