hõla twennie fourteen

i felt i needed to write an extremely concise essay about positive changes i've done for myself and how i want my 2014 to be (finally taking a firm hold of the reigns of my life).
for the most part of 2013- and quite honestly life prior to 2013, my life has always been about (frankly) pleasing others!! and who i was as rebecca the human was suppressed bc (frankly) i was insecure as hell. today i finally take the courage to recognize myself as a rly insecure person who couldnt hold her own. RECOgnition!! i think just recognizing my own weakness helped me get deeper into who i am, understand myself and why i act certain ways- and make me determined to change things positively. i've immaturely treated this insecurity of mine and turned it into some sort of poetry or art form all my adolescent years. regarded it as another phase of my life and didn't do much to figure out why i needed to feel sad all the time and then blog about it. (in retrospect, my previous blog posts were all vaguely sad, sad about my surroundings. i was blind to the blessings because too much of my time focused on the sad.) actually this insecurity (of my image) has somewhat adversely affected my friendships, family- human contact. i was honestly afraid to lose those around me and was insanely in to the "only certain friends worth keeping" attitude. as a result, even the simplest of actions like replying too late (lol irony) put my emotional self into overdrive and made me think the other person didnt care, etc. now that i think about my past actions, i find it such a heartache to know that i lost connections with people just because they did not level with my expectations of them. anyway all of those sort of internal goings-on in my brain of 'who to keep and who to discard' probably took a huge toll of it. i overthink so much it teeters a lot to the insane side yeah. makes me stressed out even though this stress is completely uncalled for.
at the same time i think i don't give enough time for myself?!?!?! what with all the ongoings in my head about other people