who am i and why am i confused.

scene: 9.38 pm, darkish, humid.
take us down but we keep trying/ forty thousand feet keep flying.
-a vibration from the phone/ a call-
M: it's so late already, are you coming back soon?
...
M: (concern) we thought something happened to you. daddy went out to look for you.
B: (spurted) huh??? i'm coming home soon. walking along opera estate there.
M: okay.

you finally cared. you finally called. you didn't know i'm bingeing. (why the hell am i bingeing). you take it as if singapore is the most dangerous city in the world. you take it as if singapore is not safe enough for me to run on a stretch of well-lit park connector.you don't know my problems. you take it as if i can never look after myself. you never let me try.
you never did ask about anything. i fuvkd it all up by not caring bfr this/ this looks unimaginably impossible to amend. never did ask how my day went. i never did manage to muster up the courage. i see a younger sibling  just two yrs my junior living the teenage life i had alws envisioned. a life where you didn't give two hoots about arriving at the doorstep near midnight. because the sibling is a he, not a she. b/c being a guy means being safe in the night.
you promised that i could talk to you whenever i had issues. and hell do i. it's a sick unsatiable dependency i have on others. almost 3/4 of my daily caloric intake in less than an hour. this binge cannot be stopped. i wouldn't dare to tell you this. this is such a perfect family. nothing ever goes wrong here.
just five pairs of deft fingers dancing on the iphone screen during meal times together. five physical bodies in close proximity, yet never have i been so distant from each of them. solemn faces, unwilling to open. does this happen to every household, idk.
me getting irritable that every sentence i say has to be repeated for my father. anti-climatic irritability just puts me off saying things anymore. nothing ever works.
welcome to my mind.

lord. i have lost you. this society is too porcelain-perfect for me and my mind to handle. the stresses to be a perfect little family- one that is so dependent on one another, just has the opposite effect on me. i can never be more grateful for the 'peace' in this household. a gratuitous peace. yet something is missing altogether. there is but a hollow shell here in op estate.
around me people have legit reasons to feel terrible about their lives, while i have none. it is only the battle against myself.