hey xy if youre reading this, i wanna wish you a sooper happy birthday bc i haven't seen you in a while and youre one of my closest friends and you deserve better
thanks for everything you've done for me circa COALs and being quarter mistresses > studying for chinese > a levels & best ramen at iluma.
these two days = birthdays of close friends and in my mind it wasn't supposed to be this way but the unspecial plan happened and I thought I should type out the reasons and other things, here. it was what brought me to switch on the mini lamp and my computer when i'm supposed to be sleeping. a lot of stuffs behind this, so pls:
tbrh my feelings about many things have put me in the doldrums and for valid reasons too/ as hard as i try i cannot love myself and as a result loving others has been extremely hard/ sometimes i get obscenely jealous of other people/ my personality is shaped to what i don't want to be- i don't know how to explain.
i broke out as in real acne and so did my tears haha ok i have alw been so uncomfortable talking about this but there is no one i can talk to about it bc i cannot bring myself to, it's like my ultimate weakness i guess but i'd like to think that i'm a human for having such sensitivities??? the reason is i don't know what caused me to break out and.... it's just really bad like i'm trying to find reasons for this shit i've stayed away from dairy unless necessary i've exercised by running and pilates and i swear this is the healthiest i've ever been in my entire life- like my meals are mostly homemade now and lunch dinners are 75% veggies i'm proud of myself for making this change but it just doesn't seem to be working
i guess my mom has been extremely helpful and loving about it, she researches about it and advices me on things to do, i place a towel over my pillow now so i can change it daily, the wheatgrass for detox....... and my skin is still the same.
i've made some speculations myself like it was prbly the previous meds the dermatologist prescribed, one of them was to be applied topically and promised to remove whiteheads but i might have aggravated my skin by applying it too harshly and physical exfoliation is not good but i didn't realise it at that time (~ aug) so the consequences have been presented now... i think this is the worst problem for me ever even though it doesn't seem like much for others but-
the way people look at you now (they don't actually)
and you kind of know what they're thinking right i mean, naturally if i ever see anyone with acne i'd be thinking *mind barf this girl doesn't take care of her skin/ why doesn't she solve it*
i guess you have to live through this yourself to know that it's not her fault and people should be more accepting of that it's the hormones (fml for having extremely a lot of hormone probs in my life so far) and f i feel indignant bc i've really been trying to get it off but it doesn't go away
yesterday during family time i know everyone was being nice and worried for me like what happened/ what made you this way but i really wished they wouldn't bc i can't really stop crying bc it feels like i'm being talked about like some helpless animal feels degrading to a certain extent but i will accept this and honestly it's pretty much what i've been feeling my entire life just that i chose this night to type this out here. i couldn't bring myself to face this issue before.
so hey close friends i really love you guys so so much you don't even know it but i'm sorry i'm being a social hermit now... bless you for seeing what is in me rather than other things and ever since this inferiority complex started, i'm awed by how some people just stay in your life from the very first day you meet them. i realize this bfr, but it's a beautiful thing to experience and i'm thankful for that. i don't know when this will end but i hope it does soon it's just been the most unpleasant most painful thing ever i'm really trying to love myself but this just makes repels me away from that goal.
but i will be very much more accepting to people giving me advice and stuff bc i know it's in their best interest and in mine as well n i will be thankful
i'm genuinely afraid i will never be back to where i was and will remain this diseased looking sickly self and i think that was the highlight of my all-time low moment ytd
i must try to love myself....... and take care of myself more. :-(
i feel so exposed yet writing all of this makes me feel a little bit better because i've been wanting to get this emotional aspect of my acne off my chest for quite some time now. all my life i felt the need to be strong for other people and put a brave front and pretend everything is ok and all that shit but that was bc i didn't know how to love myself first
actually, on a deeper level, -don't ask me how- but my previous perspective of life in general has been srsly out of whack. i actually really harboured a deep hatred for myself and i didn't know how to talk about my feelings very well. and also i've been harshly affected (bc i chose to be..) by the good things that were happening to other people and largely discounted the good things that happened to myself. you guys should rly reflect if you're doing the same thing too. it's this reason that i haven't been able to truly savour what i have, even though i had it all along. it sounds insanely simple and logical now dammit.
i hope to be able to communicate more with my family- no holds barred: that is my ultimate wish for eternity. < needed to write it down.
thx for reading
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